I've finally become the rollercoaster cliche

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I can now see how this goes!

I feel distressed so I seek support. The support helps and slowly I start to feel better. I start to eat better. My mind calms down and I start to think clearly again.

I feel strong again. I feel happy and like my old self - ready to tackle any challenge. So I set myself a little one. Just a little one, I'll just lose 1 or 2 kilos. Because that won't hurt me, but then I'll just feel a bit better. And that's ok. I'm not going to go overboard. I'm back under control now. It will all be fine.

So I restrict, just a little. Because I'm fine now. And I up my exercise, just a little. Because I'm fine now.

And that little bit, even one skipped meal, is enough space for ED to squeeze back into my mind.

And so I start to really believe my own bullshit.

And so I'm really extra amazingly fine. In fact I'm so bloody fine I don't need any of these appointments! I've got everything under control and it's fine and nobody is going to steal my motivation away from me. I'm on a roll now. This is great.

And so I cancel my appointments.

And the rug comes sweeping out from under me. I start to panic. but I can't panic, because everything is going really well, you see. I'M FINE, you see. Don't need anyone. I'm wasting their time. Can't talk about it. God I'm stupid, what did I think I was doing. I can't go back and re-make those appointments now, they'll think I'm an idiot who can't take care of herself for two minutes without whining.

And so I panic some more. Lock myself away in my own dark little mind where the only light is provided by my scales and the pain in my stomach.

And then it all gets too much. I blurt it out to someone. And I realise that I really do need some support - otherwise why did I just blurt it out like that. I needed to tell someone. Because I am the olympic superstar at covering up my pain - so if I don't talk no one will know I need help. I have to be the one to initiate the process.

And so in my distress I reach out for support. The support helps and slowly I start to feel better. I start to eat better. My mind calms down and I start to think clearly again.

I feel strong again. I feel happy and like my old self - ready to tackle any challenge...

getting there, slowly...

Had a really good session w Dr C today. We talked about how much my insight has improved over the last 12 months - and I would definitely agree with this. 

My session with Dr C last week was difficult as I needed to go and tell her I was struggling again. 

I had all but dropped my bundle and was crying over every little thing - which is very unlike me. I know that I'm definitely one to hide my emotions at the best of times but crying randomly in public places was starting to do my head in quite frankly. I did stop short of fully disclosing the nature and intensity of my thoughts lately (some of which I discussed here) although I touched on it by saying I had been having some dark and scary moments.

Following last weeks session Dr C decided she wanted me to get some serious sleep and come back again this week. Which I did. I'm not sure I fully realised how much my lack of sleep was profoundly affecting me. I have really been able to get things back in perspective now that I'm not so devastatingly exhausted. I have been getting by on 2 or 3 hours of sleep a night for about a month now and I didn't even notice just how bad it had gotten.

Dr C told me today that she mostly just wanted to check up on me at this week's appointment, but she was already confident that I would be much better by this week as I had identified by myself that I was struggling and I had made the necessary appointments I needed. She knew I would be better by this week because even simply coming to see her showed I was pulling myself out of the slip. I had already made the decision not to continue on the way I was - but rather to seek the support I needed to get back on track and to then follow through in returning this week.

And I really do feel much better.

In fact today, for the first time ever, I realised just how grateful I am to Dr C. I was able to sit and chat with her with an open, calm mind. And I really do owe that to her for pushing me so hard right from that first day. And I have that same feeling I had back in December of being recovered. That same feeling that I can hardly believe the last two and half years ever happened.

But this evening I saw myself in the mirror and once again saw my 'chubby' face - and I remembered that this isn't quite over yet. I am still a work in progress :)


published by http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com

pros and cons of standing on my own two feet

The feeling of standing on my own two feet again is undeniably good. I feel independent again - which is something I haven't felt for a long time. I have been worrying a lot lately that I just couldn't get through a week without some sort of appointment to keep me going - to make sure I was coping. Which to me is horrifying. I'm a grown woman with a career and children of my own. I should not need anyone to hold my hand. Period.

So giving myself the opportunity to test my own strength again is so exciting and empowering. I really feel like I'm giving myself the chance to prove that I can go a few weeks without any extra help. You know, like normal people.

I remember when my first child was born. The hospital I stayed at had a night nursery where the night midwives would settle the baby and bring it back to you when it was hungry - so you had the chance to sleep. On my last night in hospital I insisted that the baby stay with me for the whole night. I just wanted to make sure I could do it while I still had backup on hand if things went pear-shaped.

I guess this experiment is a bit like that. I know my supports are always there should I fall in a heap - but I really need to prove to myself that I haven't become so pathetic and needy that I can't even take care of myself for the duration of the school holidays.

So there's the pros.

But what about the cons?

I noticed tonight that another big chunk of my hair has fallen out... My first thought was I should tell DrC, or J. But then I remembered that I've only been trying to get on on my own for a week or so - surely I could do better than that?? So I thought well maybe I could email a US friend of mine I confide in a lot. But surely that's no different to confiding in J. So does that leave me with not being able to tell anyone that I'm distressed and scared?

Does standing on my own two feet mean standing alone?

I know I'm not alone, I have lots of wonderful friends and an adoring husband and my team are still there if I need them. So I don't feel alone so much as I feel confused. If I don't want to go back to whinging about every little detail of every little thing that happens to me every single week, is there still space for talking about the things that distress me - am I able to find a balance? Or is that still just hand-holding?

Can I stand on my own two feet but still feel the need to talk? Or are the two mutually exclusive?

I am so sick to back teeth of all this crap. I want words like: Recovered. Normal. Uncomplicated. Competent. Calm. Trustworthy. Sensible. Organised. Reliable. Intelligent. Normal. Normal. Normal. Normal. Normal.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Stupid brain...

the power of positive thinking

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“Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.”

- Mahatma Gandhi

“You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.”
- Christopher Columbus

 

“So many of our dreams at first seems impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable.”
- Christopher Reeve

“You must be the change you want to see in the world.”
- Mahatma Gandhi 

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life’s about creating yourself.”
- George Bernard Shaw  

I love to read the inspirational quotes on twitter. And so many of them seem to suggest that success is for the most part the simple and whole hearted knowledge that if you believe you can succeed, then you will be successful.

Or as I like to put it: Fake it till you make it.

So this is what I have decided to do. I'm going to put all my energy into just being 'recovered'. No more being 'in recovery'. I am recovered. Surely if I work under this assumption then I can make it happen.

The endless half-life of 'recovery' feels too much like marking time. I want to feel normal. I'm tired of feeling like a child who's trying to join in the conversation with the grown-ups.

So, no more.

No more waiting for something to change. No more endless appointments. No more going around in circles. I am making a change. I am going to stand on my own two feet and be the change.

Do you think it is possible?? Do you think positive thinking can be as powerful as all that? Do you think I'm inspired or insane? :)

so close and yet so far

It lasted about 10 days...

For 10 days I would have said without hesitation that I was recovered.

It was amazing! I was relaxed. I was busy thinking about the holidays and xmas presents and there was no thoughts wasted on calories and rules. I ate without giving it a second thought. I didn't even want to weigh myself - I couldn't be bothered with that rubbish. Why would I care? I was so happy it was ridiculous :)

And then I got really busy at work and didn't take the time to eat, and by the time I got home it was all gone again. I struggled to eat dinner. I told myself I had been so good all day why ruin it now. The magic was gone and the ED was let back in.

J (my therapist) tried to ask me about those 10 days but I couldn't talk about them. I just cried at what I had lost. How happy I had been made me so sad to remember now that it is gone again.

J assures me that being able to string together so many days like that means that I will get it back again. It is not lost forever. I am close.

I'm trying to work back through my mind exactly what I was doing and thinking in those days leading up to when I felt recovered so I can repeat those things to try to recapture the feeling - but the ED thoughts are working very hard to confuse me. I keep thinking how much I want to go back to that recovered feeling only to realise that I am actively doing all the same ED habits I do when I'm trying not to go back.

so close and yet so far

sigh...

my golden rule

PJ's Golden Rule: when in doubt ask yourself 

"do I want to do this for the rest of my life?"

I'm suddenly really scared of food again. I was doing quite well with my eating, I put on some weight, and then a little bit more, and then a little bit more, and then I got scared.

Somewhere along the line I seem to have apparently decided that to be 'safe' I need to be really 'careful' about what I eat. Yes, I still want to eat, but to stop myself from going overboard (whatever that may mean) I need to be really particular about how much I eat, when I eat it and then how much exercise I do. I've even been writing it down so I can keep track of it and make sure that I have what I think is enough but not any more - just to be on the safe side.

And I don't know about you, but that sounds distinctly like an eating disorder to me.

So even though I don't actually think I'm doing anything dangerous - I'm not restricting and I'm not over-exercising, and from the outside I probably look like I'm doing a really good job - but if I apply my golden rule, the answer would have to be "no"; this is not what I want to do for the rest of my life. This is only existing. This is not living. I'm trying much too hard to do everything 'right'. But I want to be free from even this level of stress and need to control what I eat.

So for the first time in about 10 weeks I'm going to see my dietician (M) to talk to her about this. My instinct is to tell her I'm so afraid of putting on weight she needs to give me a meal plan which I can follow and remove some of that worry - hand over the decision making to her and let her calculate exactly what I can eat to maintain my current weight and not put on any more.

But that's not the answer.

That's not what I want to do for the rest of my life either.

So what is the answer? I don't know. But I think telling M everything that I just wrote here would be a very good start...

10 things you *SHOULD* say to a mum with an eating disorder

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My "10 things *NOT* to say to a mum with an eating disorder" post the other was intended to help people wishing to support someone they love to avoid saying some of the biggest clangers I've been on the receiving end of.

But it was really only half of the story wasn't it? And when Rosie Molinary suggested I write the other half I simply responded "what a good idea". But it has been much harder to write than the first.

Because sometimes no matter what you say, it will seem like the wrong thing.

So here are some suggestions of comments I have found immensely helpful and encouraging. A lot of these would relate to any adult with an eating disorder, while some are specific to mothers. But just remember - everyone will react differently to things you say for a variety of different reasons. And often what you say will be misinterpreted by the person's eating disorder. I have seen the blank and puzzled look on my husband's face on more than one occasion as I've reacted completely unexpectedly to something he felt was innocuous.

So if your carefully considered comment doesn't goes as planned - don't despair and don't give up...ever!

1. I believe you - to be told this is so much more powerful than you can imagine. I was so sure my gp would laugh at me the first time I went to see her - and when she didn't I felt immediately like I could really trust her.

2. I don't know the right thing to say but I'm here for you - you can't fault honesty, and when your eating disorder is looking for any hint of trickery in someone's voice honesty is always the best policy.

3. I will stand by you through this - this again is one from my gp. She promised to be loyal to me no matter what. So I know no matter how badly I behave one week I can always go back the next and there is nothing to apologise for - ever.

4. You can recover - I did not know this. And even once people started telling me this it took me a long to believe it - so make sure you keep saying it, because it is true!

5. You can still be a good role model for your kids while you are recovering - I worried endlessly that I would only feel like I could be a good mother once I was recovered, but I can see that I am able to share the wonderful insights I am gaining (such as learning to put situations in perspective and positive self talk) with my children in an appropriate way. And this is what good parenting is all about. It's not about waiting until you are a perfect human being.

6. You will be a better, more aware mum now that you've identified you have an eating disorder - I am so conscious to be aware of personality traits my children display which are red-flags for me, such as catastrophising and being down on themselves - and I am now able to support them with the strategies I have learned.

7. What is your most immediate need? And how can I help/support you with this? - Usually I instinctively know what my most immediate need is; such as 'eating', 'going to see my gp', 'being hugged' etc. But not always. Sometimes I am so distressed I have no idea what to do next. But it is nice to be asked none the less.

8. You can trust me - one of my biggest fears has always been that the person I tell will tell someone else; that I will become the subject of a mother's coffee morning gossip session. I need to know that my privacy will be maintained (within reason of course, such as if my gp needs to know).

9. I will help you find the right person to talk to - so important in recovery is finding the right fit with a really good treatment team, and being supported in my decision to change a member of that team was helpful as I didn't really feel I was 'allowed' to. I lacked so much confidence, I needed encouragement - and my recovery has benefited from this decision.

10. I will come with you to your appointment if you want me to - this not only let me know that I was believed and supported, but also that I was worth the time out of their day to 'waste' sitting around in a drs office. They didn't have anywhere more important to be at that time. And that was huge!

And when all else fails hugs are nice. A hug is so helpful when you are feeling completely worthless. So don't hesitate to hug.

And lastly, did you know that support people can also ring helplines such as that offered by The Butterfly Foundation? So if you want some information, advice, or you just want someone nonjudgmental to talk to too you can ring them and they will listen.

Any more to add? What has been helpful for you to hear? Please share. Let's give support people a little bit of confidence to start the most important conversation they will ever have. 

published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com


also check out my flipside post: 10 things *NOT* to say to a mum with an eating disorder

careful, all this power might go to my head!

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I've been on Lexapro now for several months to help control my out-of-control anxiety. And I was told that I would know the Lexapro was working more in how I handle things than in how I actually feel. Well case in point would have to be lunch today.

And no, surprisingly *not* because of the food. But rather, because of the appallingly bad service.

Here in Melbourne there are lots of good cafes, so service this poor is relatively unheard of. And yet after waiting more than forty five minutes for our lunch (nothing complicated either mind you, just standard cafe fare) the kids were getting restless and I decided enough was enough.

I actually asked the waitress when our food would be ready.

Big deal I hear you scoff. Well for me it is. Normally I would shush the kids and remind them to have patience. But they were being really good, and the service was being really slow. Absolutely nothing seemed to be coming out of the kitchen.

So I was told ours was next.

Only it wasn't. It was second or third either.

I got up at this stage and went up to the counter and asked again. "Yep, it's next", they said.

Nope. Wrong. Not this time. I'd been told that answer ten minutes earlier. I very firmly told them they needed to check through their orders and find mine and double check it to make sure it was a) actually there, and b) actually next.

I returned to my seat, and lo and behold the meals arrived within 1 minute, with apologies from the manager, and 20% off the bill.

Now I obviously won't bother going back there again, but that's my choice. I'm not embarrassed by my forthrightness. I wasn't rude. I didn't even get nervous. It was poor service so I said so. Sounds easy...and it was.

I think I know the Lexapro is working. And it was kinda fun...shhhh :)


published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com

genius

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This time will be different.

I won't eat dinner. That will fix it. That will help me lose this extra weight.

And once I've lost the weight, then I'll stop doing this and get better, then. I'll just take a little break from recovery until I've lost this weight. But not too much. Just xxxkg. That's perfectly reasonable.

And it will be fine. In fact better than fine. It won't be like last time - it will make me feel much better.

And then I will stop.

This time will be different.

Only guess what? It's not different. I feel awful. I'm lethargic. I'm dehydrated. I'm dizzy and I'm having trouble breathing. I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm having trouble concentrating and I keep forgetting things.

I don't want to go down this path again. I want to feel good - in both my body and mind. And I won't until I consistently give my body the fuel it needs.

Try to remember this for next time please PJ!! The result never changes.


published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com

thought for the day

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I have been a bit quiet on the blogging-side lately. And this is mostly because I've been struggling, and I'm very conscious of not saying too much that might be triggering when I'm struggling - as there are days when I really just for all the world want my eating disorder back.

Really properly back. Back to the days when I did not realise I had a problem and could solve everything with restriction and compulsive exercise. I did not have to think or consider or weigh the pros and cons or feel guilty about my reckless, dangerous choices.

But now. Now my eating disorder is broken. And no amount of wishing can put it back together the way it was before. There will now always be cracks in it through which the light of insight shines.

And believe me I've spent a good deal of the last two weeks berating myself for these cracks. Telling myself how weak I have become now that I have started down the path of recovery.

But after an email conversation with a friend this morning I realised that I'm not too weak to fall back into my eating disorder...

I'm too strong.

published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com 

update on the plan

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After getting so upset at the gp's the other day I thought my 'when the sh*t hits the fan' plan would just take over. But it's not that easy. Something deep inside just couldn't let go of my bad feelings and thoughts. I went very quickly from 'that was a bad incident' to 'I'm a bad person' and it was seriously days before I could climb back on top of it.

Yes everything on my plan is great for averting an impending panic attack - especially one with no apparent reason. But is close to useless for helping me through the self-destructive feelings I go through after a confrontation. My plan helps with the anxiety feeling, but not with my out-of-control train-of-bad-thoughts.

So how to stop the train-of-bad-thoughts?

I don't really know is the honest truth.
Part of my ED voice wants me to feel bad because it helps trigger my ED behaviours. If I'm upset and feel bad about myself I don't eat as much. But this is not how I want to live.

I do not want to get to the end of my life and think "well at least I was miserable all the time because that kept me thin".

I think for now, if I really don't have the inner strength yet that I'm going to need in the long run, then I'm going to need to lean on my supports when I the train derails:
1. I need to talk to my hubby, and anyone and everyone on my Recovery Team list that I think can help me.
2. I really like my newly engraved bangle. I really think having this with me when I am out in the world on my own will be helpful. At a glance I see all the encouraging words really important people have said to me - and these words mean so much.
3. Eat. Nothing fuels my bad thoughts like starvation.
4. Play with my children. Their love and acceptance reminds me that I must never just give up.
5. Write. Being able to see just how fast my train-of-bad-thoughts is careening out of control is helpful. I can detach myself from these thoughts and look at them more objectively. Quite often I don't like what I see and it's enough to remind me of how I would rather be thinking and acting.

How do you stop your train-of-bad-thoughts when it's out of control??

published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com 

portable recovery support

A while ago I read a post by Lori Lieberman at Drop it and Eat all about the Big Apple Circus. Now only Lori could go to the circus and find metaphors that relate to eating disorder recovery ;-) But this post has stuck with me for so many wonderful reasons - one of which was the story of the clown who tries to capture the audience's applause in his little box - and how wonderful it would be if this was actually possible - to keep applause with you at all times, even when your supporters are not on hand.

This got me thinking how I could take my support with me everywhere even when my recovery team are not on hand. I came up with a list of special words from very special people. These are words that have either been said about me or said to me and I've had these words engraved in my bangle.

and that one right there in the middle - hope - that one was from Lori xxx

blame, responsibility and forgiveness

I have (not unexpectedly) been giving a lot of thought to my last post on blame and why I blame myself for everything. A number of you were kind enough to reach out and let me know that I am not alone in this futile pursuit, and thinking about it in the lives of others has helped me to look at the situation more objectively. So again I thank you for sharing your own stories with me :)

This is where I'm at now:

• Blame is of no use. It wastes time and energy and does not fix anything.
  
• It is possible for no-one to be to blame in a situation.
  
• Just because the other person is not to blame does not automatically make me to blame by default.
  
• Taking responsibility is a much more proactive and positive way to reframe my negative thoughts.
  
• I can be responsible for solving a problem without being to blame for causing it.
  
• If an altercation occurs which I am not to blame for, I still have the power of forgiveness.
  
• Forgiveness does not mean having to apologise or feel small.
  
• Forgiveness simply means letting go of blame.

Oh and you'll like this one...

I can still be responsible for my recovery
without being to blame for my illness.

What if...

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What if I just ate what was on my meal plan...

What if I exercised only for the love of it...

What if I could spend the day with my friends and not worry about the 'time wasted'...

What if I stayed truly present when I am with my children...

What if I only said nice things about myself...

What if I was happy to be me and not compare myself with others...

What if I made my own health a priority...

What if I dyed my hair pink...

What if I got a tattoo...

What if I got drunk...

What if I made a fool of myself...

What if I ate a whole packet of Tim Tams...

What if I laughed more and worried less...

What if I ordered the meal on the menu simply because it sounded good...

What if I really didn't care what the scales said...

What if I let go of my eating disorder...

...would the world end?

parenting through an anxiety attack

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A lot of my ED habits are an attempt to keep my anxiety under control. And for me this is surprising, as I never knew I had a problem with anxiety before. Yes, my eating disorder has been that successful in keeping anxiety under control that I have only started having anxiety attacks this year, now that I am working to eliminate my ED.

So now that I know, I need to learn how to reduce the symptoms of the anxiety without resorting to my dangerous habits. Returning to ED habits will simply prolong my recovery, it will not cure the anxiety, so that's not an option.

So what is an option?

Well, being able to walk away from parenting, certainly isn't.  But so much of the information I have read on how to deal with anxiety attacks assumes that you are able to just disappear for a few hours to recover.

But 99% of the time I can't. There's still a house-full of small people who need to be fed, washed, dressed and driven around - and I have no family here to help me.

So here's what I find helpful.

1. stay away from the caffeine

I like coffee and tea, a lot. It is warm and comforting. But a really bad idea if my heart rate is already through the roof. So I switch to peppermint tea for the duration.

2. prioritise

What can I just skip it today? The swimming lessons? The supermarket? Am I ok with letting them just watch tv or play at the park for an hour instead of rushing around?
I like to work out what I have to do immediately and what can just be 'let go' this time.

3. break it down

If I'm having an anxiety attack I'm not myself.
Normally I'm a can-do-anything type person. In the middle of an attack everything is a struggle and completely overwhelming. But breaking down my evening and my tasks into 15 minute intervals is helpful for me.
eg: here's what my anxiety evening might look like in my head.
(Note, I'm going to 'let go' of reading to the kids and doing the dishes that night because nothing terrible will happen if I don't do those things.)

**Any time I have left over in each 15min block I can have to sit down and breathe. That is then my time as each task doesn't need to start until the next 15min block**
No rushing.

4. breathe

It's that simple. Slow deep, eyes shut, breathing. Slow everything down. No rushing.

5. block it out

If need be I will also put my ipod on quietly in my ears to block out a lot of the chatter that I don't need to hear right away. I can still hear them perfectly well if I need to, but I don't need to hear all the "don't push" "shut up" "give it me" "I was here first" "That's my chair" "don't!" "stop it!" "muuuuuuuuuum I wanted that first" "why can't I have one" "everyone else's mum said yes"
Alright, you get the idea. And you don't need to hear all of that on your anxiety night!

And once I've got them all to bed I go and take a nice hot shower.

And breathe.

And then go to bed...

and remember, I'm new to all this, so if you have some great suggestions of what works for you I'd love you to share! Thanks :)

words to live for

"Mum, when I grow up can I live next door to you? And then when I go to work, you can look after my baby."

Every minute of every day might be a struggle. Sometimes it's a struggle just to breathe. But who could pass up an offer like that?

Not me.

thanks for the support

nothing quite like tea and a good chat :)

Dear Readers,

I had a post all lined up ready to go about how worthless I feel at the moment...

But I'm not going to publish it.

I have had time to reflect and breathe. And I've been back to talk to my gp again (twice in two days is never good!) but it has helped me make some big life-altering changes which I am still too scared to talk about here yet.

So instead of wallowing in self-pity - not a hobby I am comfortable with - I have re read the comments people have left for me here on my blog. And the support of people going through what I am going through as well as those who care and understand, have meant the world to me. I am so blessed to have discovered the power of blogging - both for communicating my feelings, and for the support it has given me.

So thank you to everyone who has talked to me; here, by email, on twitter and in real life.

It has made a enormous difference to my outlook and to my recovery.
Thank you
:)PJ

why I hate the term 'mental illness'

One word; stigma

I had a great conversation with my dietician the other day and it clarified a few things for me. I told my dietician that she (meaning the ED professional community) needs to come up with a better term than 'mental illness'. The stigma attached to that terminology is too damaging. It really makes no difference what it actually describes - the general community associate the term with psychotic behaviour. It immediately conjures up an image of someone who is a danger to the community and therefore cannot be trusted. True that someone with an ED is inherently (and seriously) a danger to themselves - but I resent the implication that I must be 'mental' to have a 'mental illness'.

My dietician made the comment 'but you don't have to be the one to fix it'. But quite frankly I think I do. I have a voice and I have experience that I think is worth something.

And I find it frustrating when people who are not personally affected by anorexia tell me how I should feel about the term. I find it condescendingly paternalistic that I should be told to accept a label simply because some professional came up with it. It is like an explorer naming a country without asking the current inhabitants what the country is actually called.

It may be a perfectly exactly descriptive name - but the stigma is too damaging. And stigma is everything. It is what the uninformed use as fact to pass judgement. The media encourage it and the masses repeat it and retweet it.

I'm not mental, or even unintelligent. I refuse to be categorised, pigeon-holed and labelled. I don't like the name someone else chose for my country. So I'm not going to call it that.

ED is getting petulant

this is how I'm going to see my ED from now on!!

I've had a couple of quite big challenges over the last few days - challenges that have left me in tears, and which have had me seriously reconsidering where I am going and whether I like who I am becoming. And all of which I have managed to get through with a reasonable amount of dignity still intact (huge improvement on some serious hissys I've had recently!).

And I've noticed that I've started to become able to separate my thoughts from my actions. My mind is still yelling abuse and telling me what to do (and the consequences if I don't), but my body is on auto-pilot.

Sure ED is telling me not to eat, and how if I just know what I weigh I'll be able to get everything 'back on track' (ED's track you understand).
But my body still goes and makes the meal and eats the meal, and then sits down after - no matter how much my brain says 'go running now'.

ED is saying all the same things, but it's tone of voice is different. It's much quieter, yes. But it's also petulant. And that's quite funny. It's a scowling, arms-crossed, huffy little sook. With it's bottom lip stuck out telling me 'if you eat that I'll scream!'

So? Go ahead and scream you little brat! I couldn't care less.

Hellooo?? I'm the one in charge! Remember?!

a normal day

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• Slept in a little late this morning. Didn't really matter, we weren't in a rush today.
  
• Ate breakfast before dropping kids at school and then went and had morning tea and some cake to celebrate a friend's birthday. It was lovely cake - plum and walnut crumble (yum!)
  
• Came home and made lunch for the toddler and me.
  
• While the toddler was asleep I tidied the house. Lots of energy too - didn't have to stop to rest each time after making one bed. House looked really good. I was quietly pretty chuffed :)
  
• Went and picked up kids from school.
  
• Came home did some washing. Then let kids watch some tv (no homework tonight). We watched Phineas and Ferb together.
  
• Served up dinner and sat and ate together.
  
• Sent kids up to bed. Got toddler ready for bed - brushed her teeth and read to her.
  
• Went up and read to big kids. Griped at them for leaving their towels on the floor.

Yep it was just a normal day

No panic. No screaming. No crying. No thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking

It was just a normal day...thank god :)

This is a much much better way to be, my friends...