Wednesday, 18 January 2012
pros and cons of standing on my own two feet
The feeling of standing on my own two feet again is undeniably good. I feel independent again - which is something I haven't felt for a long time. I have been worrying a lot lately that I just couldn't get through a week without some sort of appointment to keep me going - to make sure I was coping. Which to me is horrifying. I'm a grown woman with a career and children of my own. I should not need anyone to hold my hand. Period.
So giving myself the opportunity to test my own strength again is so exciting and empowering. I really feel like I'm giving myself the chance to prove that I can go a few weeks without any extra help. You know, like normal people.
I remember when my first child was born. The hospital I stayed at had a night nursery where the night midwives would settle the baby and bring it back to you when it was hungry - so you had the chance to sleep. On my last night in hospital I insisted that the baby stay with me for the whole night. I just wanted to make sure I could do it while I still had backup on hand if things went pear-shaped.
I guess this experiment is a bit like that. I know my supports are always there should I fall in a heap - but I really need to prove to myself that I haven't become so pathetic and needy that I can't even take care of myself for the duration of the school holidays.
So there's the pros.
But what about the cons?
I noticed tonight that another big chunk of my hair has fallen out... My first thought was I should tell DrC, or J. But then I remembered that I've only been trying to get on on my own for a week or so - surely I could do better than that?? So I thought well maybe I could email a US friend of mine I confide in a lot. But surely that's no different to confiding in J. So does that leave me with not being able to tell anyone that I'm distressed and scared?
Does standing on my own two feet mean standing alone?
I know I'm not alone, I have lots of wonderful friends and an adoring husband and my team are still there if I need them. So I don't feel alone so much as I feel confused. If I don't want to go back to whinging about every little detail of every little thing that happens to me every single week, is there still space for talking about the things that distress me - am I able to find a balance? Or is that still just hand-holding?
Can I stand on my own two feet but still feel the need to talk? Or are the two mutually exclusive?
I am so sick to back teeth of all this crap. I want words like: Recovered. Normal. Uncomplicated. Competent. Calm. Trustworthy. Sensible. Organised. Reliable. Intelligent. Normal. Normal. Normal. Normal. Normal.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Stupid brain...