Wednesday, 25 January 2012

reasons not to die

When I first started this post, it was going to be a glib little list of 10 reasons why I should keep fighting this rotten patch I'm going through. But it just means more than that. I've been reading a lot lately, and asking a lot of people their thoughts on the meaning of life the universe and everything, and I've found some words that resonate with me.

I have faith. I also have an education based in science - so sometimes I worry that my faith is just a fill-in for the gaps where I have no real answers, and I fall back on it because it is comforting. And I'm basically too scared to face up to realities. I've always been scared of dying. And I've always comforted myself with the simple thought that there are just things that are too complicated, that we are just not supposed to know - at least not in this world.

But these big thoughts make me feel very small. And my feeling of insignificance in the endless universe lead me to thoughts of insignificance in my life. But tackling these fears in the last few days, and asking friends for their insights has given me some perspective.

I'm asking the wrong question. I can't know why I'm here. I'm the invention and only the inventor knows what my purpose is. I can do my best to be my best, but I don't need to try to find the perfect answer.

If there was no life after this world, if this earth was the be all and end all, then why would we bother to live by any codes? Inherently we know that there must be more. Otherwise we would be completely self-centred as our actions would have no long-term consequences. But they do. We must know they do.

Life is a test. Not in a bad way - I don't believe in that sort of God. But every challenge we face is a test of our character and our strength, and how we handle these tests is a reflection of these. What we do with our lives is up to us - but we must do our best with the gifts we are given. We must use these gifts to better ourselves and the lives of those around us. We must experience as much as we can.

This life is a test - nothing we do is insignificant.

These thoughts are inspired by "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren.

I'm closing comments on this post. I do value your feedback and input with all my heart, but I'm just not up for a philosophical debate today. These are my beliefs and you are more than entitled to have completely contradictory ones. But not here, not today :)

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

pros and cons of standing on my own two feet

The feeling of standing on my own two feet again is undeniably good. I feel independent again - which is something I haven't felt for a long time. I have been worrying a lot lately that I just couldn't get through a week without some sort of appointment to keep me going - to make sure I was coping. Which to me is horrifying. I'm a grown woman with a career and children of my own. I should not need anyone to hold my hand. Period.

So giving myself the opportunity to test my own strength again is so exciting and empowering. I really feel like I'm giving myself the chance to prove that I can go a few weeks without any extra help. You know, like normal people.

I remember when my first child was born. The hospital I stayed at had a night nursery where the night midwives would settle the baby and bring it back to you when it was hungry - so you had the chance to sleep. On my last night in hospital I insisted that the baby stay with me for the whole night. I just wanted to make sure I could do it while I still had backup on hand if things went pear-shaped.

I guess this experiment is a bit like that. I know my supports are always there should I fall in a heap - but I really need to prove to myself that I haven't become so pathetic and needy that I can't even take care of myself for the duration of the school holidays.

So there's the pros.

But what about the cons?

I noticed tonight that another big chunk of my hair has fallen out... My first thought was I should tell DrC, or J. But then I remembered that I've only been trying to get on on my own for a week or so - surely I could do better than that?? So I thought well maybe I could email a US friend of mine I confide in a lot. But surely that's no different to confiding in J. So does that leave me with not being able to tell anyone that I'm distressed and scared?

Does standing on my own two feet mean standing alone?

I know I'm not alone, I have lots of wonderful friends and an adoring husband and my team are still there if I need them. So I don't feel alone so much as I feel confused. If I don't want to go back to whinging about every little detail of every little thing that happens to me every single week, is there still space for talking about the things that distress me - am I able to find a balance? Or is that still just hand-holding?

Can I stand on my own two feet but still feel the need to talk? Or are the two mutually exclusive?

I am so sick to back teeth of all this crap. I want words like: Recovered. Normal. Uncomplicated. Competent. Calm. Trustworthy. Sensible. Organised. Reliable. Intelligent. Normal. Normal. Normal. Normal. Normal.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Stupid brain...

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

the power of positive thinking

“Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.”
- Mahatma Gandhi

“You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.”
- Christopher Columbus
“So many of our dreams at first seems impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable.”
- Christopher Reeve

“You must be the change you want to see in the world.”
- Mahatma Gandhi 

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life’s about creating yourself.”
- George Bernard Shaw  

I love to read the inspirational quotes on twitter. And so many of them seem to suggest that success is for the most part the simple and whole hearted knowledge that if you believe you can succeed, then you will be successful.

Or as I like to put it: Fake it till you make it.

So this is what I have decided to do. I'm going to put all my energy into just being 'recovered'. No more being 'in recovery'. I am recovered. Surely if I work under this assumption then I can make it happen.

The endless half-life of 'recovery' feels too much like marking time. I want to feel normal. I'm tired of feeling like a child who's trying to join in the conversation with the grown-ups.

So, no more.

No more waiting for something to change. No more endless appointments. No more going around in circles. I am making a change. I am going to stand on my own two feet and be the change.

Do you think it is possible?? Do you think positive thinking can be as powerful as all that? Do you think I'm inspired or insane? :)

Monday, 9 January 2012

Lazy Lexapro

pretty pills from here

As it turns out, a lot of my drive to talk/blog/write has been driven by my anxiety.

And I know this because it's disappeared a lot lately. An increase in my daily dose has had a marked effect on my 'need' to blog. And also my 'want' to blog.

I can't decided whether I can't be bothered. I'm too tired. I don't care. Or I just don't have as much to say.

Whatever the reason, the upshot is I have found it very difficult to even open my own blog - and nigh on impossible to read anyone else's. Which is very strange for me.

I'm hoping it is just a settling in period, and I'll adjust to the increase - because I really love to write. But not just to hear my own voice. And if I were to write at the moment that's what it would feel like. I want to write because I am fired up about something. Because there is something burning inside me that I have to share. I don't want to talk just to fill the silence.

So I guess this is a little explanation of where I have been lately. I'm still here, muddling along. With my good days and bad days and everything in between. I'm just not quite myself.

Not that I want to stop taking the meds. I'll take lazy over terrified and starving any day of the week...