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I have been a bit quiet on the blogging-side lately. And this is mostly because I've been struggling, and I'm very conscious of not saying too much that might be triggering when I'm struggling - as there are days when I really just for all the world want my eating disorder back.
Really properly back. Back to the days when I did not realise I had a problem and could solve everything with restriction and compulsive exercise. I did not have to think or consider or weigh the pros and cons or feel guilty about my reckless, dangerous choices.
But now. Now my eating disorder is broken. And no amount of wishing can put it back together the way it was before. There will now always be cracks in it through which the light of insight shines.
And believe me I've spent a good deal of the last two weeks berating myself for these cracks. Telling myself how weak I have become now that I have started down the path of recovery.
But after an email conversation with a friend this morning I realised that I'm not too weak to fall back into my eating disorder...
I'm too strong.
published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com
6 comments:
Yep. Strong. You are too! Baby stepping is the courageous way to go. The changes that come do so slowly and thus sit on us, and stay.
It takes so much guts to crawl out of ED. To say to yourself "I know how to live". Freely... more and more so.
I feel this way a lot right now. Like I am too weak to be anorexic. It is so far from the truth. You are right, we are too STRONG to go back into ED. He just tricks us into believing otherwise.
You made my day with this post <3
Have a wonderful Monday!
Scott
You've written what I hear spoken in my often by so many struggling like you are. So glad you are looking critically at where you are at, with a move toward recovery.
Hey, PJ! I've actually been thinking about you and wondering where you've been. I just want to say that your honesty about your struggle is not at all triggering (at least for me). Instead, it makes me feel less alone in the fight. Although I am very much in the beginning stages of recovery, I am here for you 100%. You are strong, and we will get through this.
-Emily
Oh, so powerful, PJ. You are too strong. I admire your strength. And am sending you so much love.
and again, I have felt the same recently too and in the last 7 days I have realised that RECOVERY IS TOUGH, ITS HARDER THAN HAVING AN ED, and it ultimately makes us SO much stronger, not weaker.
"Really properly back. Back to the days when I did not realise I had a problem and could solve everything with restriction and compulsive exercise. I did not have to think or consider or weigh the pros and cons or feel guilty about my reckless, dangerous choices."
I felt like this too - and the war in our heads feels overwhelming doesn't it. But falling back to ED is the EASY option.
I keep telling myself;
What a cop out!
Baby steps....
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