Wednesday, 8 February 2012

getting there, slowly...

Had a really good session w Dr C today. We talked about how much my insight has improved over the last 12 months - and I would definitely agree with this. 

My session with Dr C last week was difficult as I needed to go and tell her I was struggling again. 

I had all but dropped my bundle and was crying over every little thing - which is very unlike me. I know that I'm definitely one to hide my emotions at the best of times but crying randomly in public places was starting to do my head in quite frankly. I did stop short of fully disclosing the nature and intensity of my thoughts lately (some of which I discussed here) although I touched on it by saying I had been having some dark and scary moments.

Following last weeks session Dr C decided she wanted me to get some serious sleep and come back again this week. Which I did. I'm not sure I fully realised how much my lack of sleep was profoundly affecting me. I have really been able to get things back in perspective now that I'm not so devastatingly exhausted. I have been getting by on 2 or 3 hours of sleep a night for about a month now and I didn't even notice just how bad it had gotten.

Dr C told me today that she mostly just wanted to check up on me at this week's appointment, but she was already confident that I would be much better by this week as I had identified by myself that I was struggling and I had made the necessary appointments I needed. She knew I would be better by this week because even simply coming to see her showed I was pulling myself out of the slip. I had already made the decision not to continue on the way I was - but rather to seek the support I needed to get back on track and to then follow through in returning this week.

And I really do feel much better.

In fact today, for the first time ever, I realised just how grateful I am to Dr C. I was able to sit and chat with her with an open, calm mind. And I really do owe that to her for pushing me so hard right from that first day. And I have that same feeling I had back in December of being recovered. That same feeling that I can hardly believe the last two and half years ever happened.

But this evening I saw myself in the mirror and once again saw my 'chubby' face - and I remembered that this isn't quite over yet. I am still a work in progress :)

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Mum on the Run said...

It's a dangerous place - the depths of sleep deprivation.
Rest up.

Maisen Mosley said...

So glad you're feeling better PJ! It's amazing what lack of sleep can do to a person's frame of mind!! Awesome that you're seeking out what you need. As they say, when the going gets tough, the tough get going! Hang in there!

HikerRD said...

Glad you're starting to feel better! It's not unusual for you to be feeling things more (good and bad) as you peel off the layers of the eating disorder. I'm confident you'll get through this, though!

Katesome said...

Oh, so proud. Sticking with it!! Sleep deprivation is just horrifying, sends me to crazy and the most horrible thoughts come very easily.


C-Girl said...

I have been in that same deprivation before and it took me nearly stumbling on my face to realize I needed sleep, I needed food, I needed a break and I needed a reality check. I am so glad that I came to this knowledge on my own, though it was so painful getting there…. it sounds like you have made some incredible breakthroughs in thought, though not every passing moment will seem as though you are heading forward. Being grateful for Dr. C's challenges and realizing on your own that you were struggling is huge… I had that same realization this past week, it's almost too deep to put into words, but I know the feeling. Acknowledging your step back is the next two steps forward, and THAT is to celebrate. May you find rest in every way, Chloe`

PlanningQueen said...

It must be so hard. Sending sleep wishes to you and plenty of hugs.