|pooped puppy from here|
I'm exhausted this evening. Exhausted and emotional - but also very hopeful. A real, new glimmer of hope appeared today.
I had a session with M, my dietician this afternoon. And somewhere amid my sobbing over my regrets and my guilt, we actually managed to find some meeting point. I managed to let my guard down for just long enough to question her on something.
She commented that it didn't seem like I was able to restrict at the moment.
Cue my ED response - I'm just not trying hard enough, I'm a fat pathetic loser because I'm not strong enough to do it. I'll have to try harder, I'll get it back.
Cue my courage - I asked her what it said about me if I can't restrict at the moment.
Her exact answer has been lost in my memory through the haze of competing thoughts and voices, but the gist of it was that not being able to restrict is something to be proud of not ashamed of. If shows that my will to live is stronger than my will to starve myself to death.
That it is the sign of a healthy mind.
I really liked hearing this. Really, really :-)
In a funny way I'm shocked that I was even able to ask her the question in the first place. I was so sure what her answer would be (that I'm not strong/brave/good enough anymore) that asking felt like setting myself up to be judged. But I'm so glad I asked. Because I was wrong. ED was wrong.
So what am going to do with my new healthy mind? We've pinpointed the one time of the day when I have no routine or structure for eating - lunchtime. It is my most often skipped meal these days now that I am regularly eating dinner with my children. But lunch - I wouldn't even know where to start. Which is risky. We talked about impulse eating if I get too hungry, and also about the desire to not eat if I skip a meal - neither of which are good outcomes.
So without setting myself 'rules' I'm going to work at eating 3 meals and 3 snacks which also fulfill the recommended servings each day. And for the first time I actually want to do this. I really feel like being healthy is something I want.
Yeah, yeah ED, that's not the same thing as being fat. Shut up ED.