Thursday, 28 June 2012

analyzing the first pangs of guilt


Analyzing this slip from the inside is quite an interesting game. I think I've been here so many times before that I know it won't last and I'm just riding it while it still 'works'. But tonight I felt my first pangs of guilt. Not because of what I'm doing to myself, but because I ate a perfectly sensible dinner. The sort of dinner I've been eating with my family quite successfully for a few months now - but haven't been having for the last week and a half.

But tonight I was hungry - and dinner was really yummy. So I ate it, all.

First pang of guilt - why did I eat all of it when a) I wasn't going to eat any and then b) I was only going to eat half.

Pang of guilt two - my stomach really hurts, this is all my fault.

Pang of guilt three - I need to go running

Pang of guilt four - I'll have to do sit ups once I don't feel so full

Pang of guilt five - I wonder what the scales will say tomorrow.

What I ate was ok. It tasted nice, it was healthy and I didn't over eat. I should be ok. But my recent restriction and all the crap that is tied up with this and my self-esteem has changed how I feel about what it ok.

No great conclusions - just an interesting observation that the same restriction that was making me feel so awesome is now making me feel guilty because I ate something adequate...

postscript: completely lost my cool this evening and ended up yelling at my eldest child and husband. Very ashamed of myself and still crying. I'm assuming my build up and subsequent explosion of stress and my meal are related...

Wednesday, 27 June 2012

wow, just wow...

my ED thinking has been ramping up a lot over the last week or so. And my big problem is, is that I'm loving it. I'm relaxed and relieved at not fighting it - and yes, once again, it's fixing everything. Yay me, right?

So since I don't want to fight back I thought I would humour ED and make a list of everything that being skinny means to me. Yeah...interesting list...

It makes me a better person
It makes me more fun to be around
I'm more confident
I can be taken seriously - when I'm 'overweight' people think I'm a joke
I'm less self conscious
I can wear what ever I like
People won't judge me
If I make a mistake people will be more forgiving
People will accept that I am intelligent
No one will laugh at me
No one will stare at me
I will like myself better
I won't call myself names

I know there's more to add to this list, but you get the idea.
wow, just wow - right...

Saturday, 23 June 2012

restriction - my drug of choice

Trigger warning - this post is about the pros and cons of restriction. Please do not read if you are worried this might be triggering.

[happy pills from here]

My gp says restricting is like a heroin addiction - just because I like it and it makes me feel good doesn't mean it's healthy or good for me.

Problem is, it doesn't just make me feel good. It makes me feel awesome!! Endless energy and power. I am king of the world. I can do anything. I love it. I am high as a kite on it. Why would I want to say no?

But like all drugs, that's just the rush. There's always the morning after. Not just the guilt and regret, but also the knowledge that I am hurting myself. Really badly, possibly permanently, possibly fatally.

But I'm hooked.

I'm a drug addict.

The addiction attacks my brain with it's need to be satisfied.

But I must not give in. It is an addiction and like any addict I can't have 'just a little'. One last drink, one last cigarette, one last hit. No. Not even one. It hurts like hell but I know where it leads.

It's all fun games but it'll end in tears.

Wednesday, 13 June 2012

I had a nightmare


Last night I had a nightmare - only I didn't remember it until I was getting dressed this morning and I caught sight of myself in the mirror. Then the image from my dream came back to me. In my dream I was overweight. And not just a little bit. And it was very specific as well - it was my thighs, they were really huge. In fact it was so vivid that I cried out in relief when I caught my reflection and recalled the dream.

The image from my dream has been playing on my mind today. Ruminating. Over-thinking. Worrying.

I think I'm doing pretty well from being confronted with my nightmare in living colour like that. And I think I can safely say that I'm 50% recovered now - as my response is split down the middle.

One side of my brain is telling me that I was that I'm being warned that I need to stop eating so much. I need to be more careful or the consequence are going to be dire. I'm going to get fat. So fat I won't ever be able to lose the weight again.

The other side of my brain says that this is my ED using it's dirty tricks to try to pull me back in - and that, although I am aware that I am eating 'too much' at the moment, that really I'm ok with that. I know that after a while my eating will settle back down again. I just have so many things I want to eat again after years of restriction - I even ate a hot dog the other day (not recommended btw - blurgh!!!). And I also can't be bothered exercising at the moment - again not something I intend to do forever, but my body just needs a break.

So 50/50. I can see the second response is the most rational - but I'm not quite ready to let go of the first response.

But at least I feel at the moment as though I have the choice between which decision I make :)