Tuesday, 4 August 2015

speed bumps and silence

My gp says I've hit a speed bump.

I'm not sure what I've hit.

I know that when other people have trouble, get sick, relapse, whatever, people come out of the woodwork to support them. I've seen it. I've seen messages of hope and bunches of flowers, and gofundme accounts. But I get nothing. A nothing so big and deep and black and silent. The silence is deafening. The silence engulfs me and makes me lose hope. My gp asked if the silence was what has made me feel so worthless - and through the tears I simply nodded. I'm empty from helping others at the moment and have nothing left. And the emptiness hurts.

So here I am blogging. Talking to myself again like I did so many years ago.

I did go hat in hand onto FB yesterday and ask if anyone could spare time to spend with me to keep from the silence. Thankfully two friends came through.This helped. And I know if I can keep putting one foot in front of the other I will come out on the other side of this. But in the meantime, without any voices of hope to encourage me I'm left to my our inner voice - and all that does is tell me not to ask for help, and to hurt myself as I obviously deserve it; otherwise I too would have spontaneous offerings of support. But I don't.

It's just me, Ed and the silence.

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