Monday, 6 August 2012

a word on rumination

cute cows from here
Before I started all this recovery bizzo 'rumination' to me meant something cows did. But apparently, in the psychology world, it also refers to the thinking, thinking and over-thinking thing that I do - especially about mistakes I have made.

I was a cow last night. And not the cute and cuddly one up there, but the mean, cranky, fly-off-the-handle-and-have-a-gold-medal-tanty type of cow. And then I cried. And I cried. And I cried some more. And then I rang my big brother and I cried some more. And then once he'd calmed me down enough for me to stop crying,  I went and apologised to MrPJ. Who said, and I quote, "it's ok, just relax".

What? Just like that we could forget about my tanty? What about all the beating myself up? The endless explanations about why I was so stressed. The guilt, the shame, the waiting for forgiveness. Oh shit, that's right, he's my husband not my father.

MrPJ has a way of just forgiving and moving on. Yep, you were a cow, and thanks for saying sorry. Ok, what's for dinner.

But that almost doesn't feel like enough. If I don't ruminate then I haven't punished myself enough for my terrible behaviour. Surely I need to go over and over and over it again in my head so I can re-live and reinforce just how horrible a person I am.

I think I prefer MrPJs approach. Re-living my tanty doesn't make it better. I am sorry and I said so. And if I'm really lucky I will have learned something from the experience to help me deal with my anxiety better next time it happens. But I actually don't have to punish myself by re-living it 75000 time in living colour. Reinforcing what a bad person I am is ED talking, not me. And I don't listen to ED. He is a dick.

So I think I'll choose to listen to MrPJ.

And just relax.



4 comments:

Maisen Mosley said...

I vote for MrPJ too!!

Mum on the Run said...

Sounds like a great idea.
I have one of those very 'cool cucumbers' over here too.
He balances my 'mad cow' very well.
xx

HikerRD said...

Love this post!

Jennifer said...

I love this too! I ruminate, ruminate and ruminate some more!! About my mistakes, but even about my achievements...were they really what people said they were, as I cant decide for myself because nothing is ever ok enough!
As one of my close friends said, being in my mind must be so exhausting...uhh,yeah!!!
Thank you heaps for this post..i'm going to try to chill-ax. xxoo