Monday, 3 October 2011

update on the plan


After getting so upset at the gp's the other day I thought my 'when the sh*t hits the fan' plan would just take over. But it's not that easy. Something deep inside just couldn't let go of my bad feelings and thoughts. I went very quickly from 'that was a bad incident' to 'I'm a bad person' and it was seriously days before I could climb back on top of it.

Yes everything on my plan is great for averting an impending panic attack - especially one with no apparent reason. But is close to useless for helping me through the self-destructive feelings I go through after a confrontation. My plan helps with the anxiety feeling, but not with my out-of-control train-of-bad-thoughts.

So how to stop the train-of-bad-thoughts?

I don't really know is the honest truth.
Part of my ED voice wants me to feel bad because it helps trigger my ED behaviours. If I'm upset and feel bad about myself I don't eat as much. But this is not how I want to live.

I do not want to get to the end of my life and think "well at least I was miserable all the time because that kept me thin".

I think for now, if I really don't have the inner strength yet that I'm going to need in the long run, then I'm going to need to lean on my supports when I the train derails:
1. I need to talk to my hubby, and anyone and everyone on my Recovery Team list that I think can help me.
2. I really like my newly engraved bangle. I really think having this with me when I am out in the world on my own will be helpful. At a glance I see all the encouraging words really important people have said to me - and these words mean so much.
3. Eat. Nothing fuels my bad thoughts like starvation.
4. Play with my children. Their love and acceptance reminds me that I must never just give up.
5. Write. Being able to see just how fast my train-of-bad-thoughts is careening out of control is helpful. I can detach myself from these thoughts and look at them more objectively. Quite often I don't like what I see and it's enough to remind me of how I would rather be thinking and acting.

How do you stop your train-of-bad-thoughts when it's out of control??

published by: 


scottrecovered said...

Absolutely great advice PJ :) Thinking how we DON'T want this to be how we look upon our lives in the future can be a great motivator :)

Hope you are having a great day!


P.S. I don't know if I have commented before, but I found your blog through twitter :)

Rosie Molinary said...

So honest and true, PJ. I really appreciated both the awareness and the hope in this. And your bangle? I am crazy about it. I used to wear a necklace that said Fearlessness (I actually talk about this in BY) and there was a time where a friend needed the reminder more than I did so I gave her the necklace. a few months later, I ordered the necklace again- I couldn't figure out why though- and a few months after that a student came to me and she REALLY needed the necklace. She told me that she'd find someone who really needed it when she was ready to give it away and pay the necklace forward. I love thinking of it's fearless journey. Anyway, all that to say that I really believe in having a statement piece to carry with you along the way like your bangle. You are appreciated, PJ.

Snippet said...

They taught me many different techniques at The Melb Clinic for trains-of-bad-thougts and managing them, as well as managing my anxiety and negative self-talk. The method I found most helpful was Mindfulness. We must have a coffee so I can let you know a bit about what I was taught... xxB

Susu Paris Chic said...

How glad I am to have found your blog. I also am 37 (too old to have this, huh;) and struggle with restricting. "If I'm upset and feel bad about myself I don't eat as much."

Getting out of the house helps me to clear up my negative thoughts. Seeing the nature, browsing around a park or even just some fresh air.

I shall be back for more inspiring thoughts. It comforts to know that I am not alone.