Wednesday, 7 December 2011

so close and yet so far

It lasted about 10 days...

For 10 days I would have said without hesitation that I was recovered.

It was amazing! I was relaxed. I was busy thinking about the holidays and xmas presents and there was no thoughts wasted on calories and rules. I ate without giving it a second thought. I didn't even want to weigh myself - I couldn't be bothered with that rubbish. Why would I care? I was so happy it was ridiculous :)

And then I got really busy at work and didn't take the time to eat, and by the time I got home it was all gone again. I struggled to eat dinner. I told myself I had been so good all day why ruin it now. The magic was gone and the ED was let back in.

J (my therapist) tried to ask me about those 10 days but I couldn't talk about them. I just cried at what I had lost. How happy I had been made me so sad to remember now that it is gone again.

J assures me that being able to string together so many days like that means that I will get it back again. It is not lost forever. I am close.

I'm trying to work back through my mind exactly what I was doing and thinking in those days leading up to when I felt recovered so I can repeat those things to try to recapture the feeling - but the ED thoughts are working very hard to confuse me. I keep thinking how much I want to go back to that recovered feeling only to realise that I am actively doing all the same ED habits I do when I'm trying not to go back.

so close and yet so far



Sarah Robertson said...

I love the honesty in this honey. I really do. I have the same conversations with W, my therapist and F, my dietician.
You have done amazingly to feel like that for 10 straight days. At the moment I get excited if it is 10 hours, so be proud and be positive because you are SO SO SO unbelievably close. But remember, take it from this obsessive perfectionist. I am learning that this isn't linear - its NOT all perfect and happy 24/7 - life isn't. So you are basically doing AMAZING. End of.

Anonymous said...

I completely understand. I had such an awesome day one day. I was not in my ED head and felt "normal". At least I had that feeling and know that it is possible. I find that if I skip any meal or even skimp in anyway with my meal plan ED gets loud very quickly. I think it will always be this way and that is why we have to make sure not to miss or push back eating. I sometimes feel like a toddler having to stop and eat snacks at certain times, but if that is what it takes to keep ED quiet, so be it.

Emily said...

Hi PJ!

I have so felt the same thing. One week, I feel like I'm on the verge of recovery, and then, the next week, I feel like the previous week was just ED was tricking me the entire time.

I do believe in my heart that recovery is possible if we keep fighting. I'm thinking of you!!


Mum on the Run said...

I'm so sorry those ten days ended.
But you got there.
You will get there again.

HikerRD said...

Welcome to recovery! The good news is that you rally want it to continue. And, that the stretches of slips will be less frequent and less intense as you continue to work on your recovery. Try to focus on the white, not the black. You had 10 days!!--a true taste of what the future holds for you!

Sooz said...

We need to remember those good days more. Dont get stuck in hating the bad, focus on loving the good. Falling flat on your face hurts so much more when you've finally managed to stand back up straight, but at least you now know your legs can still carry you. So dont go back to crawling. Get back on your feet and get back into that IMDOINGIT!!high. You can do it. You know you can. You just proved it!

The Dandelion Girl said...

Hey dollface!

Remember those feelings. Remember how it felt. Don't think about the fact that it faded or left... think about the fact that you did FEEL that.

I was jotting down thoughts early and I think this one is fitting, "Recovery is about coming back up to the surface for a breath… and later for a few breaths. Eventually emerging for good."

scottrecovered said...

I know exactly how you feel :( I know it sucks to go back into the ED way of thinking, but just remember how wonderfully free those 10 days were! Your therapist is right, you can do this, and those 10 days will become 2 weeks, and keep growing from there :)

this 10 days is an accomplishment, and a growing experience, not a failure in any way <3