I was musing to a friend recently about my inability to do certain things at the moment, such as take my anti-anxiety medication and attend my appointments. She likened this self-neglect to self-harm, which I thought was interesting. I guess that's what my anorexia was too - harming myself by not allowing myself to eat.
I have confided in a couple of people this weekend what has been happening, and interestingly they all came back with exactly the same advice: "imagine this was happening to your friend or your child, what advice would you give them?" But it's not that easy. I seem to really believe that other people deserve help and care, but I don't. I wish I did, but I don't. I also seem to believe that for other people depression and ED are not their fault. These are treatable biological illnesses that they simply have the misfortune of having. But not for me. For me this is my fault. I won't put in the hard work of therapy, I won't keep my appointments, I won't take my medication, therefore I get what I get.
And yes, even as I type it I can see how hard I'm being on myself. But I also know that won't change anything. I know I won't go see my gp or therapist. But I really don't know why.
I'm betting if I read over all my past blog posts there would be a pretty strong theme of me being frustrated at my own brain, so why don't I ever learn? Why does nothing ever change? My mum suggested I go see my gp the other day. What she doesn't know is that I've been a thousand times. And nothing ever gets better.
Makes me wonder if it ever will.