Monday, 24 October 2011



This time will be different.

I won't eat dinner. That will fix it. That will help me lose this extra weight.

And once I've lost the weight, then I'll stop doing this and get better, then. I'll just take a little break from recovery until I've lost this weight. But not too much. Just xxxkg. That's perfectly reasonable.

And it will be fine. In fact better than fine. It won't be like last time - it will make me feel much better.

And then I will stop.

This time will be different.

Only guess what? It's not different. I feel awful. I'm lethargic. I'm dehydrated. I'm dizzy and I'm having trouble breathing. I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm having trouble concentrating and I keep forgetting things.

I don't want to go down this path again. I want to feel good - in both my body and mind. And I won't until I consistently give my body the fuel it needs.

Try to remember this for next time please PJ!! The result never changes.

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Wednesday, 19 October 2011

thought for the day


I have been a bit quiet on the blogging-side lately. And this is mostly because I've been struggling, and I'm very conscious of not saying too much that might be triggering when I'm struggling - as there are days when I really just for all the world want my eating disorder back.

Really properly back. Back to the days when I did not realise I had a problem and could solve everything with restriction and compulsive exercise. I did not have to think or consider or weigh the pros and cons or feel guilty about my reckless, dangerous choices.

But now. Now my eating disorder is broken. And no amount of wishing can put it back together the way it was before. There will now always be cracks in it through which the light of insight shines.

And believe me I've spent a good deal of the last two weeks berating myself for these cracks. Telling myself how weak I have become now that I have started down the path of recovery.

But after an email conversation with a friend this morning I realised that I'm not too weak to fall back into my eating disorder...

I'm too strong.

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Monday, 3 October 2011

update on the plan


After getting so upset at the gp's the other day I thought my 'when the sh*t hits the fan' plan would just take over. But it's not that easy. Something deep inside just couldn't let go of my bad feelings and thoughts. I went very quickly from 'that was a bad incident' to 'I'm a bad person' and it was seriously days before I could climb back on top of it.

Yes everything on my plan is great for averting an impending panic attack - especially one with no apparent reason. But is close to useless for helping me through the self-destructive feelings I go through after a confrontation. My plan helps with the anxiety feeling, but not with my out-of-control train-of-bad-thoughts.

So how to stop the train-of-bad-thoughts?

I don't really know is the honest truth.
Part of my ED voice wants me to feel bad because it helps trigger my ED behaviours. If I'm upset and feel bad about myself I don't eat as much. But this is not how I want to live.

I do not want to get to the end of my life and think "well at least I was miserable all the time because that kept me thin".

I think for now, if I really don't have the inner strength yet that I'm going to need in the long run, then I'm going to need to lean on my supports when I the train derails:
1. I need to talk to my hubby, and anyone and everyone on my Recovery Team list that I think can help me.
2. I really like my newly engraved bangle. I really think having this with me when I am out in the world on my own will be helpful. At a glance I see all the encouraging words really important people have said to me - and these words mean so much.
3. Eat. Nothing fuels my bad thoughts like starvation.
4. Play with my children. Their love and acceptance reminds me that I must never just give up.
5. Write. Being able to see just how fast my train-of-bad-thoughts is careening out of control is helpful. I can detach myself from these thoughts and look at them more objectively. Quite often I don't like what I see and it's enough to remind me of how I would rather be thinking and acting.

How do you stop your train-of-bad-thoughts when it's out of control??

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Sunday, 2 October 2011

portable recovery support

A while ago I read a post by Lori Lieberman at Drop it and Eat all about the Big Apple Circus. Now only Lori could go to the circus and find metaphors that relate to eating disorder recovery ;-) But this post has stuck with me for so many wonderful reasons - one of which was the story of the clown who tries to capture the audience's applause in his little box - and how wonderful it would be if this was actually possible - to keep applause with you at all times, even when your supporters are not on hand.

This got me thinking how I could take my support with me everywhere even when my recovery team are not on hand. I came up with a list of special words from very special people. These are words that have either been said about me or said to me and I've had these words engraved in my bangle.

and that one right there in the middle - hope - that one was from Lori xxx