Friday, 21 August 2015

gutless

I went back to see the new therapist yesterday, and it actually went ok. In fact I was almost cheerful when I left. She gave me a new way of looking at the idea of an admission; basically I keep falling into these depressive bouts, and although I can get up out of them with time, they always come back. So perhaps I need to try something different. What I've been doing up til now only works for a short time, so it's obviously not a long term solution. So trying something different might be the ticket.

So I got a little bit brave and made an appointment this afternoon to see my gp to ask her some more specific questions - my intention was to tell her that I was willing to give it a go.

But I lost my bottle. In fact I very nearly ran away while I was waiting to be called in. I got as far as the door...

I asked her what she thought I should do. She told me she wasn't going to make the decision for me - it had to be my decision. She said that she felt that I wanted her to tell me what to do. And I've been pondering that. It didn't feel quite right. I really don't want her to tell me what to do - but I do really need her reassurance that it's ok to say yes. I need her to reassure me that I do need this. That's what I couldn't get her to do. It wasn't that I needed her to tell me what to do, it's that I needed her to tell me that I needed it. That I wasn't going to be made fun of for wasting everyone's time.

Or perhaps I am wasting everyone's time. Perhaps she's just bored with me. I know what a total chore I am at the moment. I can feel it in the one line replies from friends who are sick of my complaining. And in the silence from other friends who just don't bother. She's so kind, but everyone has their limits, perhaps I've just outlived my welcome.

Let's face it, I'm sick of me too.


Part of me wants to force her hand, to do something that will make her have to intervene - but I've worked so hard over the last few years to prevent that from happening. Then there's another part of me that just wants to run away and hide. But if I do that, like I always do, nothing is going to change or get better.

I don't want to be told what to do, but I do need some guidance and she won't help me out. I just don't know what to do!

I have another appointment next tuesday to try again. Maybe I can figure this out before then.

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