Monday, 30 May 2011

Grey day

I've read the words 'black and white thinking' a lot lately. It seems to be an apparently common trait among people with restricting eating disorders. And I thought I knew what it meant. All or nothing, right.

But knowing what it means, and being able to see it in your own actions are two very different beasts.

I was hell bent last night on sabotaging everything. Don't ask me why. I'm not really sure. All I know for sure is I felt rotten, and the only way out was to restrict (oh, and a really long run would have been nice too).

Yep, that would have solved everything.

So those were my *only* options; recovery or relapse.

B&W - get it.

And after all, grey is such a dreary colour, why drag grey into it anyway. I'll tell you why - because it is really relaxing. It is funny and it doesn't care if the washing is done or if the kids all get their homework finished. It just says "this will do for today".

Grey also says it's okay to be grumpy and crap. Grey doesn't make you feel like you have to pretend there's nothing wrong - after all, grey is not sunshine and rainbows

And funnily enough, when I let myself be Little Miss Grumpy Pants today - I got so fed up with myself after about 20 mins of sooking that it actually became quite hilarious. Just trying to hang on to my grump became an amusing distraction (thanks to @weightinghelp @Junia87 and @akaMemily for playing along with me on twitter).

So I'm going to add this to my recovery checklist:
1. nutrition
2. support
3. wide variety of tasty foods
4. aim for grey thinking

I think I'll have to have a few more grey days in the near future - today was pretty fun! - and since I live in Melbourne, that shouldn't be too hard :)


M said...

Love, love, love this, especially the hint of positivity. I know it's hard, but if you didn't want to chuck it in every so often I'd be wondering why not.

Embrace the grey I say. If it weren't for shades of grey like pebble, slate, gunmetal, pewter and my favorite - grizzle, where would we be? Life is better, if a little more complicated, in full colour.

For your amusement:

PJ said...

"...if you didn't want to chuck it in every so often I'd be wondering why not"
LOL - thanks M :)
But seriously it is true - I know I have to accept slips as par for the course and not be so afraid of them. But I want to be as perfect at recovery as I wanted to be at restricting. All or nothing you see :)

Oh, and my favourite greys are fuscous (love the onomatopoeia) and timberwolf)

EmilyH said...

Hi PJ!

Is it really grey skies in Melbourne? Up here in the Pacific Northwest of the United States, bright, sunny days don't come too often. When I think of Australia, I always think of warm weather and sunny skies. Is my assumption false?

I love this post!


Rosie said...

Yes, indeed, sometimes you just have to sit in the grey. Your recovery checklist is really spot on. Thank you for sharing it!