Top of my warning signs checklist is "I feel fine" - and this has been a warning sign for me long before I recognised I had a problem that required a warning signs checklist. Ahh, denial and I have been together for such a long time.
So why does this statement feel so different this time.
When I say it to myself, I'm not yelling it. There's no angry, defensive bite to it. It's not sulky and scared. It sounds happy and natural. It's even a different colour - not all black - but a bright blue-sky colour. I feel lighter, there's no chaos in my head. I can relax and I can sleep. I can smile. I can concentrate on what my children are saying and take joy in their happiness and daily commentaries. I can sit alongside them quietly without my mind racing away somewhere else. I have energy and I can enjoy the day. And I have confidence again. I don't want to hide when my phone rings and I can check my work email without being sure I've done something wrong.
I feel so much better - I really do feel fine.
I can't believe that just two months ago I honestly thought I was going to die and that I was powerless to prevent it - I certainly never expected to feel like this ever again. I hope this is what recovery is going to feel like. I like this feeling. I really hope it lasts.
And I really hope it's not relapse in disguise...but I don't think it is...