But it didn't take long for us to stray onto the topic of the fact that I have cancelled my upcoming appointments with K (my councellor). I really like her - she is very lovely. But she really hurt me the last time I was there.
She said what a tragedy it would be for my children if I died.
I know it doesn't sound like such a crime, after all it is true - but unfortunately for K it's not the first time I've been told this, and what I hear when someone says this is "you are a bad mother - you don't love your children enough to choose to get over this"
I know that was not what she said - but I still feel very hurt.
So I decided that I can't afford for anything to upset me that much - the risk of relapse is just too great. Hence my rush to cancel...
Dr C (bless her) did listen to what I was saying, and did understand. But she didn't agree. She did agree that it was okay to let it sit for a few weeks, but then I need to either:
tell K what upset me and that I don't want to talk about it yet, or
tell K what upset me and that I want deal with it right away.
Either way I need to tell her what upset me.
And for a very good reason...
if I can't be hurt and work through it in a safe space,
how am I going to cope with being hurt in the real world?
That's the real relapse risk.
I like Dr C's style. She has a great way of explaining things so that I understand (although I do have a mental picture of her banging her head against a brick wall most of the time, poor thing - but I am trying :) )