Wednesday, 25 May 2011

dealing with being hurt

Had my gp appointment this morning. Overall she's very pleased with my progress - especially as I still haven't weighed myself (ahem, that's 5.5 weeks now - OMGosh!). Hello humble brag, much!!!

But it didn't take long for us to stray onto the topic of the fact that I have cancelled my upcoming appointments with K (my councellor). I really like her - she is very lovely. But she really hurt me the last time I was there.

She said what a tragedy it would be for my children if I died.

I know it doesn't sound like such a crime, after all it is true - but unfortunately for K it's not the first time I've been told this, and what I hear when someone says this is "you are a bad mother - you don't love your children enough to choose to get over this"

I know that was not what she said - but I still feel very hurt.

So I decided that I can't afford for anything to upset me that much - the risk of relapse is just too great. Hence my rush to cancel...

Dr C (bless her) did listen to what I was saying, and did understand. But she didn't agree. She did agree that it was okay to let it sit for a few weeks, but then I need to either:
tell K what upset me and that I don't want to talk about it yet, or
tell K what upset me and that I want deal with it right away.

Either way I need to tell her what upset me.

And for a very good reason...
if I can't be hurt and work through it in a safe space, 
how am I going to cope with being hurt in the real world?
That's the real relapse risk.

I like Dr C's style. She has a great way of explaining things so that I understand (although I do have a mental picture of her banging her head against a brick wall most of the time, poor thing - but I am trying :) )


Rosie said...

You know, I bet she doesn't feel as if she is banging her head against a brick wall at all. I think she is probably thrilled with your realness and authenticity. It's so powerful that you were able to feel what you felt and articulate it. What a powerful moment of self-possession, and how empowering that you were able to listen to the wisdom it offered on the other side.

KateBurns76 said...

That sucks. I know it's hard to hear stuff like that, because it simplifies something that is very complicated. It's just not that simple.

Could you try seeing it as a positive? You're in recovery, surely that shows you are taking that kind of talk seriously??

Also, I think it can be really unhelpful to focus on a negative possible outcome a fair way off in the future. Surely it would be better to focus on the moment, on feeling strong and healthy right now, today? Focusing on the moment, and how you are choosing so well RIGHT NOW.

It's like trying to convince a kid not to eat a massive bag of chocolate now, because if they keep doing it over and over in a few years they might get ill, they don't care!!! It's not an effective motivator!! This kind of talk from K is the same, poor motivator, and is proven to make you feel crappy. NOT GOOD.

PJ said...

she really really didn't mean to hurt me - she is so lovely - it is just how I interpreted it. But you're right about about it being a poor motivator. Because even though she didn't mean to hurt me - I guess she did mean to shock me. I dunno...made me cry though

PlanningQueen said...

This is so much more complicated than I could have ever imagined. I don't really have any advice, just wishing you strength. xxxx

HikerRD said...

Ok, please gracefully remove my foot once I put it in my mouth...

First, guilty! Me, that is, of uttering those very same words. Here's how to change what you hear--she is not saying "you are a bad mother..." but rather "you can decide how you mother your kids". Meaning, whether you are physically available to them or even emotionally present. This disturbing comment truly only has an impact on mothers who care about their kids over all else--yes, that's you. That's why it hurts, and that's why it can work to move you forward.

Re managing conflict, running works--but just short term. Kind of like the ED. You could decide to see the therapist once more and no more, if that's your choice. But make a point of going to share your hurt with her. it's likely you'll choose to continue to work with her, but truly the choice remains yours.

M said...


But can I just say that it looks like you've struck GOLD with Dr C! Glad that she was able to make you think about a way ahead that sees you talking to K. I love the way that she has shown that this provides a very safe place to deal with the conflict and your hurt. For what it is worth, given how much you seem to like K in other ways, it sounds worth a try, especially as you have already been able to see that her comment was not intended to hurt you. It seems like there is maybe an opportunity here to not only deal with things between you and K, but to also learn how to respond in situations where people say things that you find hurtful.

PJ said...

@M - I think that learning how to respond in real-world situations where people say hurtful things would actually be an extremely valuable reason for me to go back. And I'm sure this is why Dr C took this particular tack. And she is right. I'm hopeless at confrontation - I avoid it at all costs...the last confrontation I had very nearly ended in me being hospitalised because I stopped eating altogether.
Dr C knows me pretty well :)