genius

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This time will be different.

I won't eat dinner. That will fix it. That will help me lose this extra weight.

And once I've lost the weight, then I'll stop doing this and get better, then. I'll just take a little break from recovery until I've lost this weight. But not too much. Just xxxkg. That's perfectly reasonable.

And it will be fine. In fact better than fine. It won't be like last time - it will make me feel much better.

And then I will stop.

This time will be different.

Only guess what? It's not different. I feel awful. I'm lethargic. I'm dehydrated. I'm dizzy and I'm having trouble breathing. I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm having trouble concentrating and I keep forgetting things.

I don't want to go down this path again. I want to feel good - in both my body and mind. And I won't until I consistently give my body the fuel it needs.

Try to remember this for next time please PJ!! The result never changes.


published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com

thought for the day

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I have been a bit quiet on the blogging-side lately. And this is mostly because I've been struggling, and I'm very conscious of not saying too much that might be triggering when I'm struggling - as there are days when I really just for all the world want my eating disorder back.

Really properly back. Back to the days when I did not realise I had a problem and could solve everything with restriction and compulsive exercise. I did not have to think or consider or weigh the pros and cons or feel guilty about my reckless, dangerous choices.

But now. Now my eating disorder is broken. And no amount of wishing can put it back together the way it was before. There will now always be cracks in it through which the light of insight shines.

And believe me I've spent a good deal of the last two weeks berating myself for these cracks. Telling myself how weak I have become now that I have started down the path of recovery.

But after an email conversation with a friend this morning I realised that I'm not too weak to fall back into my eating disorder...

I'm too strong.

published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com 

update on the plan

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After getting so upset at the gp's the other day I thought my 'when the sh*t hits the fan' plan would just take over. But it's not that easy. Something deep inside just couldn't let go of my bad feelings and thoughts. I went very quickly from 'that was a bad incident' to 'I'm a bad person' and it was seriously days before I could climb back on top of it.

Yes everything on my plan is great for averting an impending panic attack - especially one with no apparent reason. But is close to useless for helping me through the self-destructive feelings I go through after a confrontation. My plan helps with the anxiety feeling, but not with my out-of-control train-of-bad-thoughts.

So how to stop the train-of-bad-thoughts?

I don't really know is the honest truth.
Part of my ED voice wants me to feel bad because it helps trigger my ED behaviours. If I'm upset and feel bad about myself I don't eat as much. But this is not how I want to live.

I do not want to get to the end of my life and think "well at least I was miserable all the time because that kept me thin".

I think for now, if I really don't have the inner strength yet that I'm going to need in the long run, then I'm going to need to lean on my supports when I the train derails:
1. I need to talk to my hubby, and anyone and everyone on my Recovery Team list that I think can help me.
2. I really like my newly engraved bangle. I really think having this with me when I am out in the world on my own will be helpful. At a glance I see all the encouraging words really important people have said to me - and these words mean so much.
3. Eat. Nothing fuels my bad thoughts like starvation.
4. Play with my children. Their love and acceptance reminds me that I must never just give up.
5. Write. Being able to see just how fast my train-of-bad-thoughts is careening out of control is helpful. I can detach myself from these thoughts and look at them more objectively. Quite often I don't like what I see and it's enough to remind me of how I would rather be thinking and acting.

How do you stop your train-of-bad-thoughts when it's out of control??

published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com 

portable recovery support

A while ago I read a post by Lori Lieberman at Drop it and Eat all about the Big Apple Circus. Now only Lori could go to the circus and find metaphors that relate to eating disorder recovery ;-) But this post has stuck with me for so many wonderful reasons - one of which was the story of the clown who tries to capture the audience's applause in his little box - and how wonderful it would be if this was actually possible - to keep applause with you at all times, even when your supporters are not on hand.

This got me thinking how I could take my support with me everywhere even when my recovery team are not on hand. I came up with a list of special words from very special people. These are words that have either been said about me or said to me and I've had these words engraved in my bangle.

and that one right there in the middle - hope - that one was from Lori xxx

blame, responsibility and forgiveness

I have (not unexpectedly) been giving a lot of thought to my last post on blame and why I blame myself for everything. A number of you were kind enough to reach out and let me know that I am not alone in this futile pursuit, and thinking about it in the lives of others has helped me to look at the situation more objectively. So again I thank you for sharing your own stories with me :)

This is where I'm at now:

• Blame is of no use. It wastes time and energy and does not fix anything.
  
• It is possible for no-one to be to blame in a situation.
  
• Just because the other person is not to blame does not automatically make me to blame by default.
  
• Taking responsibility is a much more proactive and positive way to reframe my negative thoughts.
  
• I can be responsible for solving a problem without being to blame for causing it.
  
• If an altercation occurs which I am not to blame for, I still have the power of forgiveness.
  
• Forgiveness does not mean having to apologise or feel small.
  
• Forgiveness simply means letting go of blame.

Oh and you'll like this one...

I can still be responsible for my recovery
without being to blame for my illness.

blame

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I spent my last session with my therapist, J, discussing the incident in my previous post.

After some discussion, we came to the conclusion that, regardless of the incident, I blame myself for everything.

Everything.

She asked me at the time what would be different if I stopped blaming myself. And I came up with:
- I would feel more equal to others. I wouldn't feel so small all the time, and
- I would feel more confident to have my own opinions.

To follow on from this J gave me some writing prompts to work on between then and our next session - and I've been thinking very hard about these. I really think this is something that could help move me forward.

How does thinking you are to blame serve you?

This has been a learned behaviour for me. A protective behaviour. I learned a long time ago that I could draw his anger and criticism away from my siblings. I was strong enough to take it, so I would. If I took the blame then he was satisfied and we could all just move on.
I also use it to avoid confrontation with friends and colleagues. I'm terrible at confrontation. And I know will lose in the end and give-in, so it's just quicker and saves my humiliation if I just apologise at the outset of an altercation.

Am I getting anything that brings positivity to me by blaming myself?

Avoiding confrontation is helpful in that I am not left in a heap, but I would like to be stronger in myself to be able to standup for myself better. So I'm going to have to go with no. It is a cop out at best, and really just delaying the inevitable.

When are the times in your life when you genuinely did not feel to blame?

I really struggled with this one. But I did manage to come up with one example: I rang Lifeline back in April. I had not eaten for quite some time and was genuinely scared for my safety, but couldn't see anyway out. It was late at night and I was alone - so I rang the helpline. The guy on the other end was clearly disappointed to get an hysterical girlie who didn't really have anything sensible wrong with her. "well how much do you weigh?" was one of his first questions... followed soon after with "well if you like food why don't you just eat?". I ended the conversation by informing him that he was not being helpful to which he replied something along the line of "whatever", but I had stopped listening.
None of this stupid lack of empathy was my fault. I don't even care if he didn't understand he could at least have been thoughtful or kind. His only role at Lifeline is to help people who feel their lives might be in danger and he did not even try to help me. He clearly thought I was wasting his time - and that was his fault not mine.
The only other time I have rung them the lady stayed on the phone with me for 45 mins until I was able to eat a mandarin. I was so relieved after this phone call and have actually been much better since and have had no other extended periods of restriction. She helped. He did not. And it was his fault not mine.

What are some ways to think about learning to let go of this blaming feeling and behavior?

Um... this one will require more thought...

any suggestions?? Do you tend to blame yourself? Or have you been able to overcome this?

one of my unpublished posts

I seem to write a lot of posts that I don't publish - and this is one of them. I wrote it on wed, through a haze of tears. It was written without much thought - it's just how I was feeling. And as such I'm not sure it's all that fair to my dear sweet gp - which is one of the reasons I have been so hesitant to publish it. But I will, as I have a feeling it is going to have some ongoing repercussions for me (hopefully not all bad, hopefully I can learn from the experience)...

My self worth and self esteem are so tenuous. And although I am getting much stronger at believing in myself and my right to have opinions and my right to just be the true authentic me, it became very clear to me today that I still revert back to my previous coping strategies around Dr C.

When I went to see her this morning I was planning to tell her all about the fantastic week I have been having – but these appointments never go to plan do they. About three words into my appointment Dr C commented on how pale my toddler was looking: “She looks pale, really pale, well don’t *you* think she looks pale? Tell me what’s been going on?* Why is she so pale? Has she been sick? Is she eating? Is she sleeping? She looks really sick!”** I later told Dr C that I felt she had berated me – which she denied. Her words included: “over-reaction”, “overly-sensitive” and “need to pull yourself together a bit”.

Massively hurtful. So cue my pointless ‘shut-down’ response .

Her opinion of me matters to me more than anyone else’s. So I do accept that I over-reacted. But does everything always have to be all my fault? Surely her inability to even entertain the idea that perhaps she had bombarded me without giving me a chance to speak, contributed? Or again, is that just my interpretation and I’m at fault again? And then to make matters worse she kept banging on about being worried about my ‘mental health’. I just couldn’t make her believe that I was doing fine until I walked through her door. That perhaps it was the way she related to me that was the sole cause of me being upset. And that it is only because of how highly I regard her that resulted in my reaction. I really just felt like a naughty child. I felt small and pathetic and ashamed. And I felt like she thought I was negligent and a bad mother.

I know that this fear that people think I’m a bad mother is a common theme when I’m upset. I know that I feel this one more than any other insult even though it is only my interpretation of what has been said and not the actual words. No one has ever said it to me – I just live in fear that someone, like Dr C, will decide I’m unfit to be a mother and take my children away from me. I have nightmares about it. I feel sick just writing it.

So needless to say my ‘when the sh*t hits the fan’ plan is getting a workout today.

*this one was the worst – this one I heard as “why haven’t you been taking proper care of her?”
**my toddler has been unwell with a nasty cold. But I did take last week off work to care for her and I did take her to the dr to get her checked. She is now on the mend.