10 things you *SHOULD* say to a mum with an eating disorder

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My "10 things *NOT* to say to a mum with an eating disorder" post the other was intended to help people wishing to support someone they love to avoid saying some of the biggest clangers I've been on the receiving end of.

But it was really only half of the story wasn't it? And when Rosie Molinary suggested I write the other half I simply responded "what a good idea". But it has been much harder to write than the first.

Because sometimes no matter what you say, it will seem like the wrong thing.

So here are some suggestions of comments I have found immensely helpful and encouraging. A lot of these would relate to any adult with an eating disorder, while some are specific to mothers. But just remember - everyone will react differently to things you say for a variety of different reasons. And often what you say will be misinterpreted by the person's eating disorder. I have seen the blank and puzzled look on my husband's face on more than one occasion as I've reacted completely unexpectedly to something he felt was innocuous.

So if your carefully considered comment doesn't goes as planned - don't despair and don't give up...ever!

1. I believe you - to be told this is so much more powerful than you can imagine. I was so sure my gp would laugh at me the first time I went to see her - and when she didn't I felt immediately like I could really trust her.

2. I don't know the right thing to say but I'm here for you - you can't fault honesty, and when your eating disorder is looking for any hint of trickery in someone's voice honesty is always the best policy.

3. I will stand by you through this - this again is one from my gp. She promised to be loyal to me no matter what. So I know no matter how badly I behave one week I can always go back the next and there is nothing to apologise for - ever.

4. You can recover - I did not know this. And even once people started telling me this it took me a long to believe it - so make sure you keep saying it, because it is true!

5. You can still be a good role model for your kids while you are recovering - I worried endlessly that I would only feel like I could be a good mother once I was recovered, but I can see that I am able to share the wonderful insights I am gaining (such as learning to put situations in perspective and positive self talk) with my children in an appropriate way. And this is what good parenting is all about. It's not about waiting until you are a perfect human being.

6. You will be a better, more aware mum now that you've identified you have an eating disorder - I am so conscious to be aware of personality traits my children display which are red-flags for me, such as catastrophising and being down on themselves - and I am now able to support them with the strategies I have learned.

7. What is your most immediate need? And how can I help/support you with this? - Usually I instinctively know what my most immediate need is; such as 'eating', 'going to see my gp', 'being hugged' etc. But not always. Sometimes I am so distressed I have no idea what to do next. But it is nice to be asked none the less.

8. You can trust me - one of my biggest fears has always been that the person I tell will tell someone else; that I will become the subject of a mother's coffee morning gossip session. I need to know that my privacy will be maintained (within reason of course, such as if my gp needs to know).

9. I will help you find the right person to talk to - so important in recovery is finding the right fit with a really good treatment team, and being supported in my decision to change a member of that team was helpful as I didn't really feel I was 'allowed' to. I lacked so much confidence, I needed encouragement - and my recovery has benefited from this decision.

10. I will come with you to your appointment if you want me to - this not only let me know that I was believed and supported, but also that I was worth the time out of their day to 'waste' sitting around in a drs office. They didn't have anywhere more important to be at that time. And that was huge!

And when all else fails hugs are nice. A hug is so helpful when you are feeling completely worthless. So don't hesitate to hug.

And lastly, did you know that support people can also ring helplines such as that offered by The Butterfly Foundation? So if you want some information, advice, or you just want someone nonjudgmental to talk to too you can ring them and they will listen.

Any more to add? What has been helpful for you to hear? Please share. Let's give support people a little bit of confidence to start the most important conversation they will ever have. 

published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com


also check out my flipside post: 10 things *NOT* to say to a mum with an eating disorder

10 things *NOT* to say to a mum with an eating disorder

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Over the past year or so I've had some great friends offer me wonderful advice and support. From people who have freely admitted they don't know anything about eating disorders but will listen anytime I need to talk, to people who have seen it all or lived through it all.

But every now and then I have encountered people, often through no fault of their own, who have said just the wrong things. Things that have set me back. Things that have confused me. And things that have hurt me more than I could ever tell you.

So here's my top ten list of things I have really hated having said to me (in no particular order). Don't get me wrong though - I still actually really appreciate the fact that they said something (mostly) - it is far worse when a friend or loved one suspects or knows you have an eating disorder and chooses not to say anything.


1. I wish I had your problem
Having an eating disorder does not just mean someone is really good at dieting. An eating disorder is not a diet gone wrong. You may wish you were slimmer - but would you wish to have autism or cancer? An eating disorder is an illness, it is not a quick fix to get into your bikini by summer, and nothing will minimise someone's very real pain and suffering faster than if you assume it is.


2. You should recover for your kids.
Now if you are a trained healthcare professional ready to support someone through the fallout of this statement feel free to disagree with me on this one - but it's my list so I'm adding it here. I've had this said to me more times than I care to count, by people thinking it would motivate me. But what I hear is: "You are a lazy bad and worthless mother because you can't even fix this for those beautiful children of yours who you say you'd do anything for". ouch.


3. Surely you're too old to have an eating disorder.
Surprisingly there is no such thing, so just don't say that.


4. You're setting a really bad example for your children.
At the end of the day this may be true. But no one chooses to have an eating disorder, and guilt and blame have no place in recovery or in the support of those trying to recover. You cannot guilt someone into getting better. The guilt only makes it so so much worse.


5. It's just the baby blues, it happens to everyone these days.
Ah, the ubiquitous "stop making a fuss, you're nothing special, get over it" comment. Again, adding guilt is not helpful.


6. You're just bored. You'll get over it once you go back to work.
No, an eating disorder is an illness. Taking up a hobby will not fix this. Someone with an eating disorder may find work really rewarding, but for so many reasons more valuable than just they need a distraction. Building up self-esteem is one of those valuable reasons, but proper treatment is also absolutely necessary.


7. It's the fault of the media.
This implies that firstly that the person with the eating disorder has been sucked in by the media because they're so gullible and easily manipulated. And secondly that once again, it's just a diet gone wrong and they really just want to look like those chicks from Desperate Housewives.

8. Oh man not you too! Does everybody have an eating disorder these days or what?
See #5 if you can't figure out why you shouldn't say this one!


9. Is it just that being a mother is so much harder than you thought, dear?
Well firstly, der, it's much harder than anyone thought. If we all knew how hard it was going to be before we started it, we'd never becomes mums! But seriously, that kind of condescending "I sound like I'm concerned but I'm really just putting you down" comment is not helpful.

10. For heavens sake don't tell anyone!!
And this one I'm not even going to justify with an explanation. If you say this to anyone with an eating disorder then you are worse than a fool, because you are a dangerous fool.

Any more to add? What's the least helpful thing that has ever been said to you by someone trying to offer support? And what advice would you like to give them now?

published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com

EDIT: I've published the flipside - 10 things you *should* say to a mum with an eating disorder

careful, all this power might go to my head!

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I've been on Lexapro now for several months to help control my out-of-control anxiety. And I was told that I would know the Lexapro was working more in how I handle things than in how I actually feel. Well case in point would have to be lunch today.

And no, surprisingly *not* because of the food. But rather, because of the appallingly bad service.

Here in Melbourne there are lots of good cafes, so service this poor is relatively unheard of. And yet after waiting more than forty five minutes for our lunch (nothing complicated either mind you, just standard cafe fare) the kids were getting restless and I decided enough was enough.

I actually asked the waitress when our food would be ready.

Big deal I hear you scoff. Well for me it is. Normally I would shush the kids and remind them to have patience. But they were being really good, and the service was being really slow. Absolutely nothing seemed to be coming out of the kitchen.

So I was told ours was next.

Only it wasn't. It was second or third either.

I got up at this stage and went up to the counter and asked again. "Yep, it's next", they said.

Nope. Wrong. Not this time. I'd been told that answer ten minutes earlier. I very firmly told them they needed to check through their orders and find mine and double check it to make sure it was a) actually there, and b) actually next.

I returned to my seat, and lo and behold the meals arrived within 1 minute, with apologies from the manager, and 20% off the bill.

Now I obviously won't bother going back there again, but that's my choice. I'm not embarrassed by my forthrightness. I wasn't rude. I didn't even get nervous. It was poor service so I said so. Sounds easy...and it was.

I think I know the Lexapro is working. And it was kinda fun...shhhh :)


published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com

genius

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This time will be different.

I won't eat dinner. That will fix it. That will help me lose this extra weight.

And once I've lost the weight, then I'll stop doing this and get better, then. I'll just take a little break from recovery until I've lost this weight. But not too much. Just xxxkg. That's perfectly reasonable.

And it will be fine. In fact better than fine. It won't be like last time - it will make me feel much better.

And then I will stop.

This time will be different.

Only guess what? It's not different. I feel awful. I'm lethargic. I'm dehydrated. I'm dizzy and I'm having trouble breathing. I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm having trouble concentrating and I keep forgetting things.

I don't want to go down this path again. I want to feel good - in both my body and mind. And I won't until I consistently give my body the fuel it needs.

Try to remember this for next time please PJ!! The result never changes.


published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com

thought for the day

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I have been a bit quiet on the blogging-side lately. And this is mostly because I've been struggling, and I'm very conscious of not saying too much that might be triggering when I'm struggling - as there are days when I really just for all the world want my eating disorder back.

Really properly back. Back to the days when I did not realise I had a problem and could solve everything with restriction and compulsive exercise. I did not have to think or consider or weigh the pros and cons or feel guilty about my reckless, dangerous choices.

But now. Now my eating disorder is broken. And no amount of wishing can put it back together the way it was before. There will now always be cracks in it through which the light of insight shines.

And believe me I've spent a good deal of the last two weeks berating myself for these cracks. Telling myself how weak I have become now that I have started down the path of recovery.

But after an email conversation with a friend this morning I realised that I'm not too weak to fall back into my eating disorder...

I'm too strong.

published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com 

update on the plan

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After getting so upset at the gp's the other day I thought my 'when the sh*t hits the fan' plan would just take over. But it's not that easy. Something deep inside just couldn't let go of my bad feelings and thoughts. I went very quickly from 'that was a bad incident' to 'I'm a bad person' and it was seriously days before I could climb back on top of it.

Yes everything on my plan is great for averting an impending panic attack - especially one with no apparent reason. But is close to useless for helping me through the self-destructive feelings I go through after a confrontation. My plan helps with the anxiety feeling, but not with my out-of-control train-of-bad-thoughts.

So how to stop the train-of-bad-thoughts?

I don't really know is the honest truth.
Part of my ED voice wants me to feel bad because it helps trigger my ED behaviours. If I'm upset and feel bad about myself I don't eat as much. But this is not how I want to live.

I do not want to get to the end of my life and think "well at least I was miserable all the time because that kept me thin".

I think for now, if I really don't have the inner strength yet that I'm going to need in the long run, then I'm going to need to lean on my supports when I the train derails:
1. I need to talk to my hubby, and anyone and everyone on my Recovery Team list that I think can help me.
2. I really like my newly engraved bangle. I really think having this with me when I am out in the world on my own will be helpful. At a glance I see all the encouraging words really important people have said to me - and these words mean so much.
3. Eat. Nothing fuels my bad thoughts like starvation.
4. Play with my children. Their love and acceptance reminds me that I must never just give up.
5. Write. Being able to see just how fast my train-of-bad-thoughts is careening out of control is helpful. I can detach myself from these thoughts and look at them more objectively. Quite often I don't like what I see and it's enough to remind me of how I would rather be thinking and acting.

How do you stop your train-of-bad-thoughts when it's out of control??

published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com 

portable recovery support

A while ago I read a post by Lori Lieberman at Drop it and Eat all about the Big Apple Circus. Now only Lori could go to the circus and find metaphors that relate to eating disorder recovery ;-) But this post has stuck with me for so many wonderful reasons - one of which was the story of the clown who tries to capture the audience's applause in his little box - and how wonderful it would be if this was actually possible - to keep applause with you at all times, even when your supporters are not on hand.

This got me thinking how I could take my support with me everywhere even when my recovery team are not on hand. I came up with a list of special words from very special people. These are words that have either been said about me or said to me and I've had these words engraved in my bangle.

and that one right there in the middle - hope - that one was from Lori xxx