thanks for the support

nothing quite like tea and a good chat :)

Dear Readers,

I had a post all lined up ready to go about how worthless I feel at the moment...

But I'm not going to publish it.

I have had time to reflect and breathe. And I've been back to talk to my gp again (twice in two days is never good!) but it has helped me make some big life-altering changes which I am still too scared to talk about here yet.

So instead of wallowing in self-pity - not a hobby I am comfortable with - I have re read the comments people have left for me here on my blog. And the support of people going through what I am going through as well as those who care and understand, have meant the world to me. I am so blessed to have discovered the power of blogging - both for communicating my feelings, and for the support it has given me.

So thank you to everyone who has talked to me; here, by email, on twitter and in real life.

It has made a enormous difference to my outlook and to my recovery.
Thank you
:)PJ

why I hate the term 'mental illness'

One word; stigma

I had a great conversation with my dietician the other day and it clarified a few things for me. I told my dietician that she (meaning the ED professional community) needs to come up with a better term than 'mental illness'. The stigma attached to that terminology is too damaging. It really makes no difference what it actually describes - the general community associate the term with psychotic behaviour. It immediately conjures up an image of someone who is a danger to the community and therefore cannot be trusted. True that someone with an ED is inherently (and seriously) a danger to themselves - but I resent the implication that I must be 'mental' to have a 'mental illness'.

My dietician made the comment 'but you don't have to be the one to fix it'. But quite frankly I think I do. I have a voice and I have experience that I think is worth something.

And I find it frustrating when people who are not personally affected by anorexia tell me how I should feel about the term. I find it condescendingly paternalistic that I should be told to accept a label simply because some professional came up with it. It is like an explorer naming a country without asking the current inhabitants what the country is actually called.

It may be a perfectly exactly descriptive name - but the stigma is too damaging. And stigma is everything. It is what the uninformed use as fact to pass judgement. The media encourage it and the masses repeat it and retweet it.

I'm not mental, or even unintelligent. I refuse to be categorised, pigeon-holed and labelled. I don't like the name someone else chose for my country. So I'm not going to call it that.

ANZAED conference

I'm going...

eeek...

ED is getting petulant

this is how I'm going to see my ED from now on!!

I've had a couple of quite big challenges over the last few days - challenges that have left me in tears, and which have had me seriously reconsidering where I am going and whether I like who I am becoming. And all of which I have managed to get through with a reasonable amount of dignity still intact (huge improvement on some serious hissys I've had recently!).

And I've noticed that I've started to become able to separate my thoughts from my actions. My mind is still yelling abuse and telling me what to do (and the consequences if I don't), but my body is on auto-pilot.

Sure ED is telling me not to eat, and how if I just know what I weigh I'll be able to get everything 'back on track' (ED's track you understand).
But my body still goes and makes the meal and eats the meal, and then sits down after - no matter how much my brain says 'go running now'.

ED is saying all the same things, but it's tone of voice is different. It's much quieter, yes. But it's also petulant. And that's quite funny. It's a scowling, arms-crossed, huffy little sook. With it's bottom lip stuck out telling me 'if you eat that I'll scream!'

So? Go ahead and scream you little brat! I couldn't care less.

Hellooo?? I'm the one in charge! Remember?!

a normal day

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• Slept in a little late this morning. Didn't really matter, we weren't in a rush today.
  
• Ate breakfast before dropping kids at school and then went and had morning tea and some cake to celebrate a friend's birthday. It was lovely cake - plum and walnut crumble (yum!)
  
• Came home and made lunch for the toddler and me.
  
• While the toddler was asleep I tidied the house. Lots of energy too - didn't have to stop to rest each time after making one bed. House looked really good. I was quietly pretty chuffed :)
  
• Went and picked up kids from school.
  
• Came home did some washing. Then let kids watch some tv (no homework tonight). We watched Phineas and Ferb together.
  
• Served up dinner and sat and ate together.
  
• Sent kids up to bed. Got toddler ready for bed - brushed her teeth and read to her.
  
• Went up and read to big kids. Griped at them for leaving their towels on the floor.

Yep it was just a normal day

No panic. No screaming. No crying. No thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking

It was just a normal day...thank god :)

This is a much much better way to be, my friends...

good advice from a wise friend

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The amazing, wonderful and all round divine Lori from Drop It and Eat came to my rescue (again!) this week; talking me out of wanting to weigh myself.

To see what wisdom she had for me check out her post:
Trust Yourself. Except When You Can't Be Trusted

Thank you Lori, so much :)

Insight into insight

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Oh my, what a day. I haven't had a day quite as 

intensely distressing as today for a while now. 

And up 'till today I would have said I was aware of when I was having a slip. I would have said that I could differentiate the ED voice from my own and I was consciously choosing to use the ED to deal with a stressful event.

Oh but I was wrong!

I had such a moment of clarity today where I was actually able to catch my thoughts and stop myself from thinking, "yes, this is a good idea, I need to do this, I'll just do it for 'X amount of time' and then I'll stop"

No.

I won't do this - no reason is acceptable. It is not okay to just do it for now.

No.

It has to stop.

It was almost like someone else was having the conversation and I was just listening-in thinking "that is such a stupid idea".

It was no longer *my* conversation - it no longer belonged to me.

I would quite happily never have another day like today for as long as I live. In fact I would be quite happy to wake tomorrow recovered. But since that ain't gonna happen I may as well find all the positives I can. I mean I do like to know I am recovering - even though I don't really sometimes... Recovery is jolly complicated actually - but intellectually it's quite interesting :)