Thursday, 14 July 2011

Insight into insight

image



Oh my, what a day. I haven't had a day quite as 
intensely distressing as today for a while now. 

And up 'till today I would have said I was aware of when I was having a slip. I would have said that I could differentiate the ED voice from my own and I was consciously choosing to use the ED to deal with a stressful event.

Oh but I was wrong!

I had such a moment of clarity today where I was actually able to catch my thoughts and stop myself from thinking, "yes, this is a good idea, I need to do this, I'll just do it for 'X amount of time' and then I'll stop"

No.

I won't do this - no reason is acceptable. It is not okay to just do it for now.

No.

It has to stop.

It was almost like someone else was having the conversation and I was just listening-in thinking "that is such a stupid idea".

It was no longer *my* conversation - it no longer belonged to me.

I would quite happily never have another day like today for as long as I live. In fact I would be quite happy to wake tomorrow recovered. But since that ain't gonna happen I may as well find all the positives I can. I mean I do like to know I am recovering - even though I don't really sometimes... Recovery is jolly complicated actually - but intellectually it's quite interesting :)

3 comments:

Missy said...

YES! Seeing the conversation, the voice rather than being it...that distinguishing and differentiation is such progress!! Celebrate it.

That quote is awesome and SO true. I think I am going nowhere and then I look back and I'm like...wow! I can't believe I have maintained this weight or not restricted in months and months and it's not even an option!

PJ said...

@Missy - I thought that quote was great too - I can't believe I've been doing this now for a year and although I don't think I've made progress when I look back I can see just how far I've come :)

Madam Bipolar said...

Sending good vibes.