Oh my, what a day. I haven't had a day quite as
intensely distressing as today for a while now.
And up 'till today I would have said I was aware of when I was having a slip. I would have said that I could differentiate the ED voice from my own and I was consciously choosing to use the ED to deal with a stressful event.
Oh but I was wrong!
I had such a moment of clarity today where I was actually able to catch my thoughts and stop myself from thinking, "yes, this is a good idea, I need to do this, I'll just do it for 'X amount of time' and then I'll stop"
I won't do this - no reason is acceptable. It is not okay to just do it for now.
It has to stop.
It was almost like someone else was having the conversation and I was just listening-in thinking "that is such a stupid idea".
It was no longer *my* conversation - it no longer belonged to me.
I would quite happily never have another day like today for as long as I live. In fact I would be quite happy to wake tomorrow recovered. But since that ain't gonna happen I may as well find all the positives I can. I mean I do like to know I am recovering - even though I don't really sometimes... Recovery is jolly complicated actually - but intellectually it's quite interesting :)