getting there, slowly...

Had a really good session w Dr C today. We talked about how much my insight has improved over the last 12 months - and I would definitely agree with this. 

My session with Dr C last week was difficult as I needed to go and tell her I was struggling again. 

I had all but dropped my bundle and was crying over every little thing - which is very unlike me. I know that I'm definitely one to hide my emotions at the best of times but crying randomly in public places was starting to do my head in quite frankly. I did stop short of fully disclosing the nature and intensity of my thoughts lately (some of which I discussed here) although I touched on it by saying I had been having some dark and scary moments.

Following last weeks session Dr C decided she wanted me to get some serious sleep and come back again this week. Which I did. I'm not sure I fully realised how much my lack of sleep was profoundly affecting me. I have really been able to get things back in perspective now that I'm not so devastatingly exhausted. I have been getting by on 2 or 3 hours of sleep a night for about a month now and I didn't even notice just how bad it had gotten.

Dr C told me today that she mostly just wanted to check up on me at this week's appointment, but she was already confident that I would be much better by this week as I had identified by myself that I was struggling and I had made the necessary appointments I needed. She knew I would be better by this week because even simply coming to see her showed I was pulling myself out of the slip. I had already made the decision not to continue on the way I was - but rather to seek the support I needed to get back on track and to then follow through in returning this week.

And I really do feel much better.

In fact today, for the first time ever, I realised just how grateful I am to Dr C. I was able to sit and chat with her with an open, calm mind. And I really do owe that to her for pushing me so hard right from that first day. And I have that same feeling I had back in December of being recovered. That same feeling that I can hardly believe the last two and half years ever happened.

But this evening I saw myself in the mirror and once again saw my 'chubby' face - and I remembered that this isn't quite over yet. I am still a work in progress :)


published by http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com

Mental Illness: Why do we need an umbrella term anyway?

This post has been prompted by a post from Laura's Soap Box on the term "brain disorder"

It's not a rant. Really it's not (I know it has been in the past) - but this time it's more just thinking aloud.

One of Laura's responses to a comment in defence of the term was that fear of the term should be unfounded as if we would referred to diabetes as a 'pancreatic disorder' we wouldn't automatically attribute the same concerns to that label as we do to 'brain disorder'.

But I don't see that argument as fair.

If you walked into any shopping mall and conducted a quick vox pop on "What does the term brain disorder (or the currently official umbrella term: mental illness) mean to you?" I guarantee you the answers would all follow the same line:
someone mental
someone crazy
someone who walks down the street talking to people who aren't there
someone psychotic
someone who snaps and kills their neighbours with a sharpened fork

...get the picture.

But my big question today is - why do we need this umbrella term at all? Why do eating disorder sufferers need to face the stigma of being associated with psychotic and dangerous people. Don't we have enough stigma being vain little sillys who just want to look good in our skinny jeans??

Lung cancer, emphysema and cystic fibrosis all severely affect the lungs. But we don't lump them all together as lung disorders. So why do we do this with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, schizophrenia, BPD, PTSD etc etc. They all have different presentations. Yes, I suffer from anxiety and an eating disorder. But it didn't kill me to say both those things separately - so saving time surely can't be the reason.

And if the reason is to better inform the public - that ain't working either!

Any way - just my thoughts - I would be very interested to hear your thoughts. Do you like the term? Do you, like me find that it is too fraught with stigma to be useful?

reasons not to die

When I first started this post, it was going to be a glib little list of 10 reasons why I should keep fighting this rotten patch I'm going through. But it just means more than that. I've been reading a lot lately, and asking a lot of people their thoughts on the meaning of life the universe and everything, and I've found some words that resonate with me.

I have faith. I also have an education based in science - so sometimes I worry that my faith is just a fill-in for the gaps where I have no real answers, and I fall back on it because it is comforting. And I'm basically too scared to face up to realities. I've always been scared of dying. And I've always comforted myself with the simple thought that there are just things that are too complicated, that we are just not supposed to know - at least not in this world.

But these big thoughts make me feel very small. And my feeling of insignificance in the endless universe lead me to thoughts of insignificance in my life. But tackling these fears in the last few days, and asking friends for their insights has given me some perspective.

Firstly,
I'm asking the wrong question. I can't know why I'm here. I'm the invention and only the inventor knows what my purpose is. I can do my best to be my best, but I don't need to try to find the perfect answer.

Secondly,
If there was no life after this world, if this earth was the be all and end all, then why would we bother to live by any codes? Inherently we know that there must be more. Otherwise we would be completely self-centred as our actions would have no long-term consequences. But they do. We must know they do.

Thirdly,
Life is a test. Not in a bad way - I don't believe in that sort of God. But every challenge we face is a test of our character and our strength, and how we handle these tests is a reflection of these. What we do with our lives is up to us - but we must do our best with the gifts we are given. We must use these gifts to better ourselves and the lives of those around us. We must experience as much as we can.

This life is a test - nothing we do is insignificant.


These thoughts are inspired by "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren.

I'm closing comments on this post. I do value your feedback and input with all my heart, but I'm just not up for a philosophical debate today. These are my beliefs and you are more than entitled to have completely contradictory ones. But not here, not today :)

pros and cons of standing on my own two feet

The feeling of standing on my own two feet again is undeniably good. I feel independent again - which is something I haven't felt for a long time. I have been worrying a lot lately that I just couldn't get through a week without some sort of appointment to keep me going - to make sure I was coping. Which to me is horrifying. I'm a grown woman with a career and children of my own. I should not need anyone to hold my hand. Period.

So giving myself the opportunity to test my own strength again is so exciting and empowering. I really feel like I'm giving myself the chance to prove that I can go a few weeks without any extra help. You know, like normal people.

I remember when my first child was born. The hospital I stayed at had a night nursery where the night midwives would settle the baby and bring it back to you when it was hungry - so you had the chance to sleep. On my last night in hospital I insisted that the baby stay with me for the whole night. I just wanted to make sure I could do it while I still had backup on hand if things went pear-shaped.

I guess this experiment is a bit like that. I know my supports are always there should I fall in a heap - but I really need to prove to myself that I haven't become so pathetic and needy that I can't even take care of myself for the duration of the school holidays.

So there's the pros.

But what about the cons?

I noticed tonight that another big chunk of my hair has fallen out... My first thought was I should tell DrC, or J. But then I remembered that I've only been trying to get on on my own for a week or so - surely I could do better than that?? So I thought well maybe I could email a US friend of mine I confide in a lot. But surely that's no different to confiding in J. So does that leave me with not being able to tell anyone that I'm distressed and scared?

Does standing on my own two feet mean standing alone?

I know I'm not alone, I have lots of wonderful friends and an adoring husband and my team are still there if I need them. So I don't feel alone so much as I feel confused. If I don't want to go back to whinging about every little detail of every little thing that happens to me every single week, is there still space for talking about the things that distress me - am I able to find a balance? Or is that still just hand-holding?

Can I stand on my own two feet but still feel the need to talk? Or are the two mutually exclusive?

I am so sick to back teeth of all this crap. I want words like: Recovered. Normal. Uncomplicated. Competent. Calm. Trustworthy. Sensible. Organised. Reliable. Intelligent. Normal. Normal. Normal. Normal. Normal.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Stupid brain...

the power of positive thinking

image

“Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.”

- Mahatma Gandhi

“You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.”
- Christopher Columbus

 

“So many of our dreams at first seems impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable.”
- Christopher Reeve

“You must be the change you want to see in the world.”
- Mahatma Gandhi 

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life’s about creating yourself.”
- George Bernard Shaw  

I love to read the inspirational quotes on twitter. And so many of them seem to suggest that success is for the most part the simple and whole hearted knowledge that if you believe you can succeed, then you will be successful.

Or as I like to put it: Fake it till you make it.

So this is what I have decided to do. I'm going to put all my energy into just being 'recovered'. No more being 'in recovery'. I am recovered. Surely if I work under this assumption then I can make it happen.

The endless half-life of 'recovery' feels too much like marking time. I want to feel normal. I'm tired of feeling like a child who's trying to join in the conversation with the grown-ups.

So, no more.

No more waiting for something to change. No more endless appointments. No more going around in circles. I am making a change. I am going to stand on my own two feet and be the change.

Do you think it is possible?? Do you think positive thinking can be as powerful as all that? Do you think I'm inspired or insane? :)

Lazy Lexapro

pretty pills from here

As it turns out, a lot of my drive to talk/blog/write has been driven by my anxiety.

And I know this because it's disappeared a lot lately. An increase in my daily dose has had a marked effect on my 'need' to blog. And also my 'want' to blog.

I can't decided whether I can't be bothered. I'm too tired. I don't care. Or I just don't have as much to say.


Whatever the reason, the upshot is I have found it very difficult to even open my own blog - and nigh on impossible to read anyone else's. Which is very strange for me.

I'm hoping it is just a settling in period, and I'll adjust to the increase - because I really love to write. But not just to hear my own voice. And if I were to write at the moment that's what it would feel like. I want to write because I am fired up about something. Because there is something burning inside me that I have to share. I don't want to talk just to fill the silence.

So I guess this is a little explanation of where I have been lately. I'm still here, muddling along. With my good days and bad days and everything in between. I'm just not quite myself.

Not that I want to stop taking the meds. I'll take lazy over terrified and starving any day of the week...

so close and yet so far

It lasted about 10 days...

For 10 days I would have said without hesitation that I was recovered.

It was amazing! I was relaxed. I was busy thinking about the holidays and xmas presents and there was no thoughts wasted on calories and rules. I ate without giving it a second thought. I didn't even want to weigh myself - I couldn't be bothered with that rubbish. Why would I care? I was so happy it was ridiculous :)

And then I got really busy at work and didn't take the time to eat, and by the time I got home it was all gone again. I struggled to eat dinner. I told myself I had been so good all day why ruin it now. The magic was gone and the ED was let back in.

J (my therapist) tried to ask me about those 10 days but I couldn't talk about them. I just cried at what I had lost. How happy I had been made me so sad to remember now that it is gone again.

J assures me that being able to string together so many days like that means that I will get it back again. It is not lost forever. I am close.

I'm trying to work back through my mind exactly what I was doing and thinking in those days leading up to when I felt recovered so I can repeat those things to try to recapture the feeling - but the ED thoughts are working very hard to confuse me. I keep thinking how much I want to go back to that recovered feeling only to realise that I am actively doing all the same ED habits I do when I'm trying not to go back.

so close and yet so far

sigh...