Had the session with the new therapist yesterday...
and despite my best intentions, and best efforts, I did everything I promised myself I would not do. I avoided eye contact, I didn't sit up straight, and when it came to a direct question about me I shut down completely. I couldn't even think about the question, my mind was yelling 'run away' - it made so much noise in my head I just couldn't think.
I was doing okay for the first bit. I wasn't myself - but I wasn't too bad either. Seriously I'd love to take one of these people out for a cup of coffee and just a chat about the weather one day so I can prove that I'm really not that person in real life. I really can hold a conversation. I really do laugh and smile. I really do sit up straight - I promise!!
So why do I make such a fool of myself in these sessions? Oh if only I had the answer to that question I guess I wouldn’t need the therapy ;)
Ironically the question that did me in was “if there was one thing about your life that you could change, what would it be?” Ironic, because my answer would have been “to be more assertive, to be able to stick up for myself better and without the self-destructive consequences”
But I couldn’t answer her. I could no longer speak.
So it's official, it's not them, it's me.
But there were definitely some positives about the experience. She was extremely lovely (and she had a beautifully inviting home), and now at least I know it wasn’t any easier there than it was with K. And that in itself is an interesting insight. We also established that I am much more comfortable writing than talking – I do feel under pressure during sessions, like I’m being watched/observed. She also said that I deserve to be more than a vessel for my ED – I deserve to be PJ. Which is definitely a thought to hold on to.
So where does all this leave me? I’m not sure. I think I will need to ask Dr C for advice. But unfortunately Dr C is holidays, and M (dietician) told me last night she will miss our next session too because of holidays. Oh dear (cue unexpected tears in the dietician's office). Absolutely do not begrudge anyone a holiday - but am feeling strangely abandoned...