I'm not exactly proud of my reaction to my dietician (M) telling me she was going on holidays too. Actually I feel pretty guilty about making M feel bad - I tried to 'fix it' and tell her she had no need to apologise and that of course I know she has every right to take a holiday!
I was fine when Dr C told me was going away. So when M said she was going away too, my first reaction should have been "yep, fair enough". After all she has a young child she wants to be with. And, you know, a life.
Ahhh, so why the tears?
My mum used to say that you can't help your first reaction. It's automatic. And I guess that's what this was.
My dad would've said I was being a hormonal woman. There's probably truth in that too (since I discovered later my period was the cause of the bloated tummy and boobs the size of watermelons - oh. yippee. not.)
Perhaps I was just tired? After all I'd had the session with the new therapist that morning too.
But I wonder if the tears were actually a step closer to recovery. I certainly wouldn't have cared 6 months ago. After all I didn't need them, right? There was nothing wrong with me! So maybe this shows a real acceptance of the fact that I have an eating disorder that I am not recovered from yet. And that I don't feel like I'm in control of yet.
So my fear of "what if something happens while they're all away" is real. Because my eating disorder is real.
But if I'm aware of it, and if I remember I now have other supports I can turn to in the event of a problem, I'll be ok. I have family, and friends (both IRL and here online), plus there are some very good help-lines I could ring.
I'm only as alone as I choose to be.