Saturday, 2 July 2011

more on feeling abandoned


I'm not exactly proud of my reaction to my dietician (M) telling me she was going on holidays too. Actually I feel pretty guilty about making M feel bad - I tried to 'fix it' and tell her she had no need to apologise and that of course I know she has every right to take a holiday!

I was fine when Dr C told me was going away. So when M said she was going away too, my first reaction should have been "yep, fair enough". After all she has a young child she wants to be with. And, you know, a life.

Ahhh, so why the tears?

My mum used to say that you can't help your first reaction. It's automatic. And I guess that's what this was.

My dad would've said I was being a hormonal woman. There's probably truth in that too (since I discovered later my period was the cause of the bloated tummy and boobs the size of watermelons - oh. yippee. not.)

Perhaps I was just tired? After all I'd had the session with the new therapist that morning too.

But I wonder if the tears were actually a step closer to recovery. I certainly wouldn't have cared 6 months ago. After all I didn't need them, right? There was nothing wrong with me! So maybe this shows a real acceptance of the fact that I have an eating disorder that I am not recovered from yet. And that I don't feel like I'm in control of yet.

So my fear of "what if something happens while they're all away" is real. Because my eating disorder is real.

But if I'm aware of it, and if I remember I now have other supports I can turn to in the event of a problem, I'll be ok. I have family, and friends (both IRL and here online), plus there are some very good help-lines I could ring.

I'm only as alone as I choose to be.


Fighting An Ugly Beast: The Eating Disorder said...

Hang in there. I certainly hope all works out okay for you. I also can relate: my therapist and physician are out of the office on vacation (holiday) for most of the month of July. We shall be strong together! :)

HikerRD said...

Such a sweet comment, FAUB: TEDS!
As you start to recover you WILL feel more--that's the down side of recovery. But think about all the positives! Now you have to work on managing those feelings ; ) and yes, using your resources.
You'll get through, and when you do, you'll be that much stronger for the next time.

Alyssa said...

I love that! "I'm only as alone as I choose to be." It's kind of a tangent off of my own mantra: "Everything I do is by choice. There is always another option." Choice is such a wonderful thing! And when it comes to loneliness vs. solitutde, "choice" is essential. I still struggle with it. I believe I will be making good use of that saying, thank you!

MelSAnderson said...

Wow, PJ, this is so insightful and I think, very true.

I try to remind myself in my own life that the tears and sometimes feeling like a raw nerve, as unpleasant as it might be at least lets me know that I feeling something, that I'm alive, that I'm real, which IS a huge step.

I hope you're proud of you.

You're not alone. Thinking of you.

Lisa said...

I found your blog through Alyssa's and I have to say- I LOVE IT. I'm going to start following and you're right...on many things

especially the last line of this post...

if you could check out my blog that'd be great too!

Mum on the Run said...

I'm only as alone as I choose to be.
Thank you.