Monday, 4 July 2011

how big am I anyway?

I don't think I've had a problem with my body image in the past. Even over the last couple of years as my anorexia returned I always knew I was thin (obviously not so much when pregnant or postnatal!!). Sometimes I didn't feel thin, but if I looked in the mirror I could remember my true size. I never saw a different size to the one I was.

But now...

Now that I'm trying so hard to stick to my meal plan and not exercise; I'm suddenly enormous. My arms, my thighs, my chest, my tummy. All bloated and flabby and just, well, fat. Really fat. I feel like a rapidly inflating balloon. I'm so uncomfortable I can't stand it.

But (with the notable exception of that pair of jeans) just about all my clothes still fit me. So what gives?

I'm sure I'm a hippo. But how can I be?

ED really is a tricky bastard.

thankfully after I wrote this earlier this evening I went back to a recent post a had read on Laura's Soap Box regarding goal weight where I found she had responded to my query about ED thinking getting worse with weight restoration. To my relief Laura validated my fears - so I'm feeling much better about my distress - although I still wish it would go away!!!!


EmilyH said...

Oh boy, do I feel your pain on this one! I've definitely gained some healthy weight in the past months, and it's really hard to wrap my head around accepting my new body. I've had to buy new pants and shirts, and, like you said, I just feel ENORMOUS!

The thing is, I am aware that I am not in a proper place to judge my own body image, so I just try not to. Plus, I have felt so many other benefits of energy and wellness that I don't care as much about the body image thing.

You're right; ED is a tricky bastard, and he's going to try to get you back by making you think that you're enormous without him and his rules. It's just him trying to trick you, so don't listen to him. Do what you know is best for you and trust that, with time, you will develop a new way of looking at your body.

I know you can do it! It will be so worth it!


Jessica said...

It is a really hard feeling to sit with. The hardest part is learning that that feeling is not reality, it is something else.

At some moments I am convinced that I am huge and have gained a good 50lbs - but I know it is not true. Like Emily I am really enjoying the new perks like lots of energy and I try to remind myself of that every time I start to feel "fat."

Forget that tricky bastard...he sucks.

Fighting An Ugly Beast: The Eating Disorder said...

Holy crap! I can totally relate! I try to stick to the whole eating three times a day thing; or eating when hungry thing, and in doing so, I FEEL HUGE!!!!! But... To my shocking surprise, my pants are still fitting the same. They are not skin tight or causing me to have a "muffin top" like I assume they will when I put them on. It's the weirdest thing.

Anonymous said...

EXACTLY! I am always surprised when I pull on my pants/shorts etc. and they still fit. Shocked. I feel like an elephant - a bloated grumpy elephant. But I am learning I can't trust my eyes - I have to go with my energy and how I feel - which is the best I have felt in years. I love your blog, thank you!