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So since she's kind of hopping in part way through the story I should probably start with where I am right now:
Even though I have come a long way in terms of accepting that I have a problem, I still spend a lot of my day thinking things like "there's nothing wrong with me - I could stop this whenever I want to - I just don't want to" or "I'm cured now, I'm fine." It's still really hard to hold onto the idea that this is an ongoing problem that I can't just 'fix'.
Next:
I use the ED to control what I think about - so I don't have to think about things I don't want to. But I'm begining to see that there's more to it than that, otherwise I wouldn't fear weight gain so much. Although I've never thought that I had a body image problem - afterall I don't do this to look like Kate Moss.
However, I do define myself by my size and (more specifically) my fitness - it's something I do better than other people and that means a lot to me - both in how I feel about myself and in how others perceive me. And that is all I am. If I didn't have that I would be meaningless. I would be nothing.
Ouch.
Small self-esteem problem (ya think??). But I previously never thought I had a problem with self-esteem. I mean, I can out-train the trainer. I can still place in fun-runs. Give me 50 sit-ups, I'll do 60. I can play netball, soccer, hockey. I can run - fast. I can swim - fast. I'm really good at sports. Where's the self-esteem problem then?
So why I do I stop eating when I've had a confrontation?
Am I really to blame for everything and therefore don't deserve to eat or feel better. Hmmm...
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Right, so not-talky-talky PJ has chosen to try a therapist who has an interest in body image, self esteem and life-coaching. This will either be life-changing - or an apocalyptic catastrophe. Time will tell...
am I the only one with this stress about 'therapy' - or do you love it?
Is it helpful for you? Please tell me why :)
Is it helpful for you? Please tell me why :)
6 comments:
Awesome post PJ! You're right about starting right where you are at today! Part of recovery is letting go of the past, you can always return there if you need to. It's always stressful meeting a new therapist for just about everyone! Telling someone your deepest secrets is never easy, but if you have the right one, it's a journey worth taking!! Hang in there and you can do it!!
This sounds like a really good start! it seems to me that you process by writing- talk to your T about that. Maybe she'll let you email her before your session, or give you some writing tasks to do to help you to think and process things.
I don't find talking about myself easy in therapy. I'm a fixer and usually take the role of looking after others. The idea if talking about my feelings? I don't have feelings, let alone talk about them! Yet over the last year, S has helped me to begin to recognize what strong feelings are and how to sit with them. She's helped me to uncover the shame and inadequacy that drives much of what I do. As I've changed through this process, I've lost a few friends, who can't cope with the new M who has preferences and wants that are expressed. It's been painfully hard, but also really, really good.
@spiritedlady - I think you are right about telling someone my secrets all over again. I sort feel I've done that and I don't want to have to go back and relive that, but I know that I need to to give this a proper go.
@M I think we are so similar!! And I think it is a positive that those friends who couldn't cope with the new you have gone - it lets you really know who your real friends are. And life is too short to have fake friends. I'm also encouraged that you feel the journey has been good despite it all - something for me to hold on to as I try to keep my exponentially expanding nerves under control :)
Good luck. Wishing positive vibes for your session. x
Hey, I know you, you write what is in my head but somehow make it sound coherent. I can see that where you are is where I need to be but making that first step is so much harder than I ever imagined. I have been trying to make sense of everything that is running through my head by writing it all down in the hope that if it makes sense to me when it is written down, I will be able to convey 'me' to other people. I guess I need to work out where I am now.
I hope you have found a therapist that is a better fit.
Good luck, Poppy xo
I really like the image that is attached to this blog post. It's certainly how I feel in the moment: as though I'm going through eating disorder hell... But since I'm already in it, I might as keep going until I see the light at the end of the tunnel, so-to-speak.
Hang in there.
Blessings,
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Me
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