Thursday, 9 June 2011

do you weigh yourself?

I don't.

And I think I can say this with some degree of certainty now after 8 weeks. Plus I even managed to stop the nurse who was weighing me for my recent ECG from telling me my weight or writing it where I could see it (even though she had *no idea* what I was on about and I could so easily have cheated).

But I still really want to.

I liken it to a smoker who knows they have to give up smoking for their health but still really wants to do it. Ask in them in 6 months (or even 6 years) if they would like to take it up again and I bet 9 out of 10 times the answer is 'yes' - but they don't do it because they know it's not good for them.

So I'm not expecting to be happy about it. I just know I shouldn't.

Mostly because it is not the great stress reliever I thought it was. I thought it was helping me to relax because I knew what I weighed, so I was either 'good' or 'bad' (in which case I needed to 'work harder').


But now that I've stopped I can see that there are far less consequences to everything, which is helpful:
  • I am able to eat without worrying what the scales will say
  • I can stop exercising without worrying what the scales will say
  • I can sleep through the night without having to get up just to check what the scales say
And without the scales having so much to say all the time, there's far more chance for me to hear what I have to say:
  • I say I need to eat because my body cannot sustain starvation
  • I say I need to eat because I need my mind to function properly
  • I say I need to stop exercising at the moment to allow my heart to heal.
  • I say I am in charge - not the scales and not ED.

After all, my life is worth more than a number on the scales. I am important in the lives of others and that gives me value which cannot be measured. So even though my jeans didn't fit this morning, and even though I have cried far too much over this fact, I will still not be weighing myself. Will you?


    spiritedladyliving said...

    Love this post PJ and it is so true! I too, haven't weighed myself in over 12 years and it is so very freeing!! Fabulous!!!

    Sarah said...

    This is beautiful. Soo true! It matters what YOU say :) NOT the scales. I haven't weighed myself since October last year. Very freeing. And how nice is it to allow yourself to relax if exercise isn't what your body needs that day! Listening to our bodies and not the scales is a big step towards recovery! You are doing well. Very proud :)xx

    superrelish said...

    I like what you say. I think I need to say this too.
    Great work. xo

    HikerRD said...

    So proud of you, PJ! It is definitely a critical move forward.
    As for the jeans, you know the clothes drier tends to shrink things ; )

    In our culture, there is virtually no reinforcement for getting bigger (unless you are pregnant), even when you are underweight, so you need to do your part to change that. At least not having a physical reminder around your waist may help. Do get new jeans that feel comfortable, so you can focus on the positive aspects of your recovery.

    Serra said...

    damn this is inspiring!

    Fighting An Ugly Beast: The Eating Disorder said...

    Man- I wish I would have found your blog sooner. I feel as though I can relate to many of the things in which you reference you are going through (i.e., the battle of the scale!). Keep going. Keep fighting. It's comforting to we're not all alone in this battle against the disease of ED.