Am trying really hard to get over this slip.
I'm not as desperately frightened as I have been in the past though. Which is either because ED is shielding me from the real danger, or because I know how to do this. It's the latter that I think really applies in this case. Even Dr C reminded me this morning that I've done this before. Sure, I've gone down this path, but I've been strong enough to pull myself out.
So I will.
And I'm comforted that I've have a lot more tools in my recovery tool box this time too:
Like support. So much support on which to draw. Just today my brother has emailed me, my PT has phoned me, and several friends have emailed, tweeted and DMd. And all this has happened because I reached out and asked for some support.
I also have Hope. I know I can do this. I know I really want to do this. And I didn't know either of those things even two months ago. But now a slip is not such a scary monster - even though I would rather never have one again.
I have insight. I know that I used this slip. I used it to get through a difficult appointment today which was causing me a lot of anxiety. And although it may have gotten me through, I need to stop doing that. I need to find a better way of dealing with stress that is not harmful to my health. I also know that if I don't eat then things go to hell in a hatbox very quickly. Not eating does not make me stronger, braver and able to think more clearly. It makes me a flippin' basket case.
Slipping and being imperfect is okay. My friend Poppy recently confided in me that she has an eating disorder. So I did what any friend a year further down the recovery track would do - reassured her that recovery was worth the effort. That there is a light at the end of the tunnel and things really do get better - even if she can't see that yet and might not see it for a while. So I worried that by venting I would frighten her and put her off trying. But I think the opposite is true. By showing her the truth - that everyone slips - I'm not only letting her in on the reality of her path, but also showing her that slips are not the end of the path. A slip is not the same as failure. Slips are just another chance to learn and get stronger.
I also made a big decision today which I am feeling okay about. I went back to see K and talked with her about why I was upset (you know, once I unfolded myself and stopped crying long enough to breathe).
And after I left I decided I would not go back.
K is extremely kind and patient, but it just doesn't seem to be a good fit - or perhaps it's just me? I don't know I've never done this before (I'm so not a talky-talky person). But I won't know unless I give someone else a try. And when I first met D she recommended the name of a therapist, so I think I'll start there.
Even after a year of trying, today feels like a new begining.