Wednesday, 22 June 2011

PJ's spectacular slipathon continues...

Am trying really hard to get over this slip.

I'm not as desperately frightened as I have been in the past though. Which is either because ED is shielding me from the real danger, or because I know how to do this. It's the latter that I think really applies in this case. Even Dr C reminded me this morning that I've done this before. Sure, I've gone down this path, but I've been strong enough to pull myself out.

So I will.

And I'm comforted that I've have a lot more tools in my recovery tool box this time too:
Like support. So much support on which to draw. Just today my brother has emailed me, my PT has phoned me, and several friends have emailed, tweeted and DMd. And all this has happened because I reached out and asked for some support.

I also have Hope. I know I can do this. I know I really want to do this. And I didn't know either of those things even two months ago. But now a slip is not such a scary monster - even though I would rather never have one again.

I have insight. I know that I used this slip. I used it to get through a difficult appointment today which was causing me a lot of anxiety. And although it may have gotten me through, I need to stop doing that. I need to find a better way of dealing with stress that is not harmful to my health. I also know that if I don't eat then things go to hell in a hatbox very quickly. Not eating does not make me stronger, braver and able to think more clearly. It makes me a flippin' basket case.

Slipping and being imperfect is okay. My friend Poppy recently confided in me that she has an eating disorder. So I did what any friend a year further down the recovery track would do - reassured her that recovery was worth the effort. That there is a light at the end of the tunnel and things really do get better - even if she can't see that yet and might not see it for a while. So I worried that by venting I would frighten her and put her off trying. But I think the opposite is true. By showing her the truth - that everyone slips - I'm not only letting her in on the reality of her path, but also showing her that slips are not the end of the path. A slip is not the same as failure. Slips are just another chance to learn and get stronger.

I also made a big decision today which I am feeling okay about. I went back to see K and talked with her about why I was upset (you know, once I unfolded myself and stopped crying long enough to breathe).
And after I left I decided I would not go back.
K is extremely kind and patient, but it just doesn't seem to be a good fit - or perhaps it's just me? I don't know I've never done this before (I'm so not a talky-talky person). But I won't know unless I give someone else a try. And when I first met D she recommended the name of a therapist, so I think I'll start there.

Even after a year of trying, today feels like a new begining.


Anonymous said...

Thanks PJ, you really are helping me, you are helping me more than you can ever possibly imagine. Every day I get closer to seeking professional help. Reading your story and knowing you are there for me, just as I am there for you any time you need.

Thank you, Poppy xo

M said...

Loving this PJ. Good on you for seeing K and being honest. Nothing wrong with deciding a particular therapist is not for you. It is such a personal and intimate thing. Follow up the lead that Dr C gave you. It took me ages to find S, who I credit with giving me my life back. Keep fighting. You are a real inspiration.

HikerRD said...

Brace yourself for a long, but positive story.

Many years ago I walked into my workout place, approached the desk and casually asked "Can you tell me where unemployment is?" It freaked me out as I meant to as for lost and found).I called my MD, who engaged me on the phone. Ten mins later he said "nothing to worry about". He had assessed my processing in this casual way and concluded I was safe.

Same thing here, my friend. while I can't speak for medical stability, it's clear you have made great strides not only in understanding (ie insight) but in the consequences of your behaviors, the difference between changing therapists vs avoiding therapy, and that you see the negative consequences of your slips on many levels, particularly imminent impact.

So like my wise doc, I'm reassuring you that you're okay, in spite of your slips. And you know I'll call you on anything I hear that truly sounds worrisome!

Rosie said...

PJ, What a gift that you have shared all this processing. I really appreciated the powerful truth of this sentiment: "Not eating does not make me stronger, braver and able to think more clearly. It makes me a flippin' basket case." So true, so poignant. Two other thoughts: I think it is so important and valuable that you have shared your truth and one of the reasons that is so is because I believe that when we keep secrets, we perpetuate the myth that there are perfect people out there. When we confess our struggles, others realize that they aren't alone (and we do, too) and that can be revolutionary for self-acceptance. Finally, I think that counseling is one of the best investments one can make in herself but the first counselor you come across isn't necessarily the best fit for you. It is sorta like dating- not everyone is right for you. You might have to break up with a counselor and date a new one to find the right fit. I think it is so great that you shared with K what upset you because it shows you that you can take care of you and speak up and also allows her to learn. That was really brave of you- I'm in awe as I think that would have been especially hard for me to do. You aren't slipping, PJ. You are, in fact, blossoming. Thank you for letting us blossom with you.