Saturday, 4 June 2011

I screamed

My black and white thinking resurfaced this morning in a rather ugly way - but at least I'm starting to be able to catch myself thinking these thoughts. So there's hope I will be able to one day stop them in their tracks. But not today...

I could feel the panic rising. I've been so very tired lately and have let so many jobs around the house pile up. And pile up they have. And this morning it all became too much.
I was stupid and useless and pathetic and a complete failure because the clothes weren't put away. I was the most hopeless, lazy, stupid person ever because my house wasn't perfect. Everyone else can manage. Everyone else's houses and lives are perfect. I just couldn't get anything done. I couldn't find clothes for the children fast enough, and I couldn't get myself dressed early enough. I wanted to be ready to go first thing, and first thing was getting later and later...
Where was that perfect uncomplaining wife I planned to be (yes my own parents are divorced). Get the children ready, have everything perfect, don't bother anyone with mundane complaints about my unimportant day, be perfect and happy all the time and everything will be fine.
But everything's changing. I don't know who to be anymore. How can I be the perfect wife if I'm fat and useless?The only thing I'm any good at is exercising, and I'm not allowed to do that!!

I hated myself and I screamed.

Sadly all this did was make my baby cry and worry my husband - who was not rushing me or pressuring me in anyway - that was me projecting (I know that, and I'm so sorry).

But I stopped. It didn't go on for more than a minute or so, and although it took me while to recover from the resultant headache, I could see what happened. I could also see that I had about 30 minutes of warning signs before hand where I could have prevented it. I could have said I was feeling pressured and stressed. Could we slow down? Could he help me? (yes, he did ask and 'PJ the perfect matyr' said "no").
But was it even triggered by the events of this morning? Or was it coming on since yesterday? Was it because I restricted yesterday because I was 'busy' at work? Or was it the pasta I had at dinner? Or was it the post I read about someone discovering she likes to run - which made me feel so sad about not being able to. Any of this could have been the 'reason', and any of this I could have shared with Mr PJ.

But I didn't, so I had the panic attack instead.

However, it was at least a really short one. And no I'm not all those awful things I said. And I'm going to be that acrobat I like so much from Lori's metaphor. Yes I fumbled, yes I slipped. But I'm going to pick myself up quickly and move on without too much fuss. Because the sooner you stop wallowing and start doing again, the better.

So on with my day :)


PlanningQueen said...

I was wondering how you were doing. Do be gentle on yourself. xxxx

HikerRD said...

Oh, PJ, there's so much positive to be said about the content of this post.

First, about the "perfect" non-complaining wife who only strives to keep things in order was not happy, and I suspect not the person you really want to be. So, good that you are moving away from that place!

As you feed yourself and lose the"benefits", the numbing the ED provides, you're gonna feel things you'd rather not feel. Yes, that's a challenge, but you're good at challenges and yes, you'll get through.

About all those perfect homes...while I am not a therapist I will tell you that that is simply projection and over generalization. Must I post photos of the inside of my home at the moment? I will if you need me to ; )
It sounds like you've got a supportive spouse--don't lock him out!
Please email me if ever you need to! You know how to find me.

EmilyH said...

Hi PJ!

I really related to the introspective thinking that you did to figure out what actually triggered your chain of negative thinking. I do that a lot and often can't figure out what triggered me to be so hard on myself. Sometimes it's a bunch of little things that adds up to a lot of frustration.

I can tell that, as a mom, you care a lot about your family, and that's a wonderful thing. Practice, practice, practice being kind to yourself (I know I am!). Thank you for sharing how you're doing. I love to keep in touch.


MoniqueS said...

All you can do is try and move forward. The bad moments are going to happen. Its just the way it is. But you are so right, the sooner the stop wallowing and start doing again, the better. It can be SO hard, but its your days will turn out so much better for it, with this attitude. So good for you!

Rosie said...

PJ, I hope you see this experience as the victory of self-awareness that it is. It's these moments where I see myself and what I'm doing and feeling and can figure out how to stop them, readjust and perhaps do differently next time that most serve me- more than not having the learning at all. And, wow, I think most (all, likely) of us would say we have nowhere close to perfectly kept homes, I promise. We're never caught up on dusting, vaccuming, dishes, or anything else. I imagine it'll be that way until we (BF and me) no longer have the eye sight to notice. Ha.

Lindsey said...

I recently just discovered that those people that seem to have everything just right and perfect and can start their day just as easily, really don't always do that...that gives a perfectionist like myself a little comfort, knowing that not everyone is perfect.

I made a spontaneous visit to a friend, without fair warning, and boy was she rattled. She almost didn't let me in her apartment because it was "a wreck" so she said. I finally twisted her arm enough for her to believe me that I wouldn't judge her on her "messes" etc. Because really, who can have it together all the time? Not me, that's for sure. I ended up spending the night, too.

Just because you can't have everything just right, doesn't mean things aren't going to be okay, or that you're not okay. Kick that perfectionism in the booty and tell it that it's not going to get the best of you!

Jess said...

Pj, I have only just come across your blog and have been reading through (baby on boob) and toddler happily watching a bit of tellie. Wow. I can relate. I can relate to this post so much. The internal dialogue. The feelings of failure and the rising, uncontrollable anxiety that I try so hard to push down so no one can see.

Thank you for sharing here. ReAding this has triggered something in me - I know I need some help. I'm going to go out and get it as you have.