I could feel the panic rising. I've been so very tired lately and have let so many jobs around the house pile up. And pile up they have. And this morning it all became too much.
I was stupid and useless and pathetic and a complete failure because the clothes weren't put away. I was the most hopeless, lazy, stupid person ever because my house wasn't perfect. Everyone else can manage. Everyone else's houses and lives are perfect. I just couldn't get anything done. I couldn't find clothes for the children fast enough, and I couldn't get myself dressed early enough. I wanted to be ready to go first thing, and first thing was getting later and later...
Where was that perfect uncomplaining wife I planned to be (yes my own parents are divorced). Get the children ready, have everything perfect, don't bother anyone with mundane complaints about my unimportant day, be perfect and happy all the time and everything will be fine.
But everything's changing. I don't know who to be anymore. How can I be the perfect wife if I'm fat and useless?The only thing I'm any good at is exercising, and I'm not allowed to do that!!
I hated myself and I screamed.
Sadly all this did was make my baby cry and worry my husband - who was not rushing me or pressuring me in anyway - that was me projecting (I know that, and I'm so sorry).
But I stopped. It didn't go on for more than a minute or so, and although it took me while to recover from the resultant headache, I could see what happened. I could also see that I had about 30 minutes of warning signs before hand where I could have prevented it. I could have said I was feeling pressured and stressed. Could we slow down? Could he help me? (yes, he did ask and 'PJ the perfect matyr' said "no").
But was it even triggered by the events of this morning? Or was it coming on since yesterday? Was it because I restricted yesterday because I was 'busy' at work? Or was it the pasta I had at dinner? Or was it the post I read about someone discovering she likes to run - which made me feel so sad about not being able to. Any of this could have been the 'reason', and any of this I could have shared with Mr PJ.
But I didn't, so I had the panic attack instead.
However, it was at least a really short one. And no I'm not all those awful things I said. And I'm going to be that acrobat I like so much from Lori's metaphor. Yes I fumbled, yes I slipped. But I'm going to pick myself up quickly and move on without too much fuss. Because the sooner you stop wallowing and start doing again, the better.
So on with my day :)