Wednesday, 13 June 2012

I had a nightmare


Last night I had a nightmare - only I didn't remember it until I was getting dressed this morning and I caught sight of myself in the mirror. Then the image from my dream came back to me. In my dream I was overweight. And not just a little bit. And it was very specific as well - it was my thighs, they were really huge. In fact it was so vivid that I cried out in relief when I caught my reflection and recalled the dream.

The image from my dream has been playing on my mind today. Ruminating. Over-thinking. Worrying.

I think I'm doing pretty well from being confronted with my nightmare in living colour like that. And I think I can safely say that I'm 50% recovered now - as my response is split down the middle.

One side of my brain is telling me that I was that I'm being warned that I need to stop eating so much. I need to be more careful or the consequence are going to be dire. I'm going to get fat. So fat I won't ever be able to lose the weight again.

The other side of my brain says that this is my ED using it's dirty tricks to try to pull me back in - and that, although I am aware that I am eating 'too much' at the moment, that really I'm ok with that. I know that after a while my eating will settle back down again. I just have so many things I want to eat again after years of restriction - I even ate a hot dog the other day (not recommended btw - blurgh!!!). And I also can't be bothered exercising at the moment - again not something I intend to do forever, but my body just needs a break.

So 50/50. I can see the second response is the most rational - but I'm not quite ready to let go of the first response.

But at least I feel at the moment as though I have the choice between which decision I make :)

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