Thursday, 28 June 2012

analyzing the first pangs of guilt


Analyzing this slip from the inside is quite an interesting game. I think I've been here so many times before that I know it won't last and I'm just riding it while it still 'works'. But tonight I felt my first pangs of guilt. Not because of what I'm doing to myself, but because I ate a perfectly sensible dinner. The sort of dinner I've been eating with my family quite successfully for a few months now - but haven't been having for the last week and a half.

But tonight I was hungry - and dinner was really yummy. So I ate it, all.

First pang of guilt - why did I eat all of it when a) I wasn't going to eat any and then b) I was only going to eat half.

Pang of guilt two - my stomach really hurts, this is all my fault.

Pang of guilt three - I need to go running

Pang of guilt four - I'll have to do sit ups once I don't feel so full

Pang of guilt five - I wonder what the scales will say tomorrow.

What I ate was ok. It tasted nice, it was healthy and I didn't over eat. I should be ok. But my recent restriction and all the crap that is tied up with this and my self-esteem has changed how I feel about what it ok.

No great conclusions - just an interesting observation that the same restriction that was making me feel so awesome is now making me feel guilty because I ate something adequate...

postscript: completely lost my cool this evening and ended up yelling at my eldest child and husband. Very ashamed of myself and still crying. I'm assuming my build up and subsequent explosion of stress and my meal are related...


M said...

I want to say that this explosion isn't just related to the meal - it is related to all that has lead up to the meal, ie the restriction of the last week and a half.

I know it is hard, but would be great if you could actually use this meal as a springboard forward to getting back off the sidelines and continuing on with recovery.

HikerRD said...

If only I could be your dietitian AND your friend! Ughh!
Hope you're working with your therapist and your dietitian!!