Saturday, 23 June 2012

restriction - my drug of choice

Trigger warning - this post is about the pros and cons of restriction. Please do not read if you are worried this might be triggering.

[happy pills from here]

My gp says restricting is like a heroin addiction - just because I like it and it makes me feel good doesn't mean it's healthy or good for me.

Problem is, it doesn't just make me feel good. It makes me feel awesome!! Endless energy and power. I am king of the world. I can do anything. I love it. I am high as a kite on it. Why would I want to say no?

But like all drugs, that's just the rush. There's always the morning after. Not just the guilt and regret, but also the knowledge that I am hurting myself. Really badly, possibly permanently, possibly fatally.

But I'm hooked.

I'm a drug addict.

The addiction attacks my brain with it's need to be satisfied.

But I must not give in. It is an addiction and like any addict I can't have 'just a little'. One last drink, one last cigarette, one last hit. No. Not even one. It hurts like hell but I know where it leads.

It's all fun games but it'll end in tears.

5 comments:

C-Girl said...

I cannot even tell you how much I needed to read this tonight. It's like everything that I have been thinking and dwelling on in head all week that I couldn't make sense of in one post… it is exactly like heroine. And the crash is just the same, even from "just a little". This makes more sense than anything I've read in a good while… thank you, and may we both remember that it may be all fun and games but it will end in tears :)

PJ said...

Thank you - I'm so glad it was helpful for you :)

L said...

This is exactly what has been running through my mind today, relying on bingeing then restricting to cope and make me feel better, but it's hurting me and I can't keep using it to get by. I need to utilise my other coping skills to get through it.

Keep fighting, I know you can do this! xo

Anonymous said...

I have been in a slightly (more than usual) self-destructive place of late and I really really needed to read this. I am on the roller coaster of invincibility that dips way down to reality and beyond, from I don't need food to need to stockpile for the exertion ahead with either ending in guilt and bad choices. Reading this made me get up and go and eat a pear. I know it isn't much but it is a start. I head OS on Friday and need to be on top of my game.
Thank you, xo Poppy

HikerRD said...

Yes, the problem is that it works--but only short term--and not without a price.Don't fault yourself for reaching for it, for the eating disorder, when it's all you've known for getting by. That said, work on strengthening your other means of coping, because your eating disorder is deadly and is not the answer.It fixes nothing, but is merely a BandAid that fails to stick.