"you make me look normal"

this was said to me recently by a friend - so straight away I was laughing -no offence taken.

but she was serious. "no really, you make me look normal"

she went on to explain what she meant - not that I was so nuts that by comparison she appeared far less nuts :-) but rather that to her I was normal. She doesn't see me as nuts, but we share so many things, so many habits and thoughts and worries, that by extension my normality gave her a sense of normality.

I really loved hearing this.

If any of you out there reading my blog think that I am normal and you are nuts, just remember I am every bit as nuts as you, and therefore you are every bit as normal as me.

And to those of you kind enough to be concerned about me after my last post, I'm no more or less nuts that I have been in the past, I'm just saying it out loud a little bit now instead of always bottling it up - so that's really quite a good thing - but thank you xx

*normal pic from here

screw calm

 

 

appropriate pic from here

I don't have a lot to say at the moment.

Actually I have a lot to say - but it's all ranty, screamy, cranky crap that I'm not really sure I should let out here.

Some of it is bitching about my 'so called (IRL) friends' who I'm just *over* at the moment. Over their judgy-judgy games. Over their inane conversations. Quite frankly I'm just over trying to socialise and be nice.

Some of it is really not-appropriate anti-recovery stuff I really don't want to say here. I know that it's good to be real and honest - and show readers that everyone has ups and downs - but I'm conscious of not wanting to give anyone an excuse for embracing a slip or relapse.

And some of it is cranky "I don' want to talk to you" "I don't need your help" ranting directed at J and DrC that I can see perfectly well is just because I'm avoiding stuff.

So no great insights today. No neat wrap-up where I see the error of my ways and turn it into a positive.

Today it's just bollocks, bugger, crap, stupid, leave me alone shit that I don't really feel any better for having voiced But that's life boys and girls.

pros and cons of standing on my own two feet

The feeling of standing on my own two feet again is undeniably good. I feel independent again - which is something I haven't felt for a long time. I have been worrying a lot lately that I just couldn't get through a week without some sort of appointment to keep me going - to make sure I was coping. Which to me is horrifying. I'm a grown woman with a career and children of my own. I should not need anyone to hold my hand. Period.

So giving myself the opportunity to test my own strength again is so exciting and empowering. I really feel like I'm giving myself the chance to prove that I can go a few weeks without any extra help. You know, like normal people.

I remember when my first child was born. The hospital I stayed at had a night nursery where the night midwives would settle the baby and bring it back to you when it was hungry - so you had the chance to sleep. On my last night in hospital I insisted that the baby stay with me for the whole night. I just wanted to make sure I could do it while I still had backup on hand if things went pear-shaped.

I guess this experiment is a bit like that. I know my supports are always there should I fall in a heap - but I really need to prove to myself that I haven't become so pathetic and needy that I can't even take care of myself for the duration of the school holidays.

So there's the pros.

But what about the cons?

I noticed tonight that another big chunk of my hair has fallen out... My first thought was I should tell DrC, or J. But then I remembered that I've only been trying to get on on my own for a week or so - surely I could do better than that?? So I thought well maybe I could email a US friend of mine I confide in a lot. But surely that's no different to confiding in J. So does that leave me with not being able to tell anyone that I'm distressed and scared?

Does standing on my own two feet mean standing alone?

I know I'm not alone, I have lots of wonderful friends and an adoring husband and my team are still there if I need them. So I don't feel alone so much as I feel confused. If I don't want to go back to whinging about every little detail of every little thing that happens to me every single week, is there still space for talking about the things that distress me - am I able to find a balance? Or is that still just hand-holding?

Can I stand on my own two feet but still feel the need to talk? Or are the two mutually exclusive?

I am so sick to back teeth of all this crap. I want words like: Recovered. Normal. Uncomplicated. Competent. Calm. Trustworthy. Sensible. Organised. Reliable. Intelligent. Normal. Normal. Normal. Normal. Normal.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Stupid brain...

If I read one more tweet/blog that tells me I'm not "REAL" I'm going to scream!

I've got my ranty pants on today - and unlike the last time I blogged something to this effect I'm not going to let you make me feel bad about myself.

I've just read those damn words again:

"real women have curves"

But so many of you who say this also say you advocate "Size Acceptance" and "Health at Every Size"?

Interesting.

Now for those of you who just say you advocate for "Fat Acceptance" I don't mind this in the least. You are not implying that you speak for me. As a fat woman you have every right to push back against societal stereotypes and inequities - and you know what - I support you! I think society is very unfair, biased and down-right appalling in it's general treatment of fat people.

But I'm here (complete with ranty pants) to tell you that if you want to speak for "Heath at EVERY size" you sure better include MY size in that - as well as EVERYONE elses.

Because I exist.  

And what is it exactly that you think makes you a MORE real woman than me?

I'm a woman.

I have had three babies.

I have a loving husband and wonderful friends.

I laugh and love and cry and dream.

I am strong.

I have a career I love.

I am getting healthier every day.

I am not the size of my trousers any more than you are!

And don't you dare say that I am a fat-hater. At no point anywhere in my blog or in my life have I judged anyone by their size. You know nothing of my history or my experiences. So that won't ever be justification for how inferior you have tried to make me feel.

This issue has nothing to do with being fat or being skinny. It's about accepting people for who they are - regardless of size. That REAL WOMEN come in all shapes and sizes, and being skinny does not make you less, any more than being fat does.

So if you think it is offensive for someone to judge you based on your size, well guess what sister - that's exactly what you just did to me  - and I am offended. And you are a hypocrite.

Your words have power, and meaning, and they hurt.

And if you insist on telling me you are more real than I am I will call you on it. I have found my voice and I am not afraid to be me anymore.

I am not better than you. But I sure as hell am not any less real than you either.

10 things *NOT* to say to a mum with an eating disorder

image

Over the past year or so I've had some great friends offer me wonderful advice and support. From people who have freely admitted they don't know anything about eating disorders but will listen anytime I need to talk, to people who have seen it all or lived through it all.

But every now and then I have encountered people, often through no fault of their own, who have said just the wrong things. Things that have set me back. Things that have confused me. And things that have hurt me more than I could ever tell you.

So here's my top ten list of things I have really hated having said to me (in no particular order). Don't get me wrong though - I still actually really appreciate the fact that they said something (mostly) - it is far worse when a friend or loved one suspects or knows you have an eating disorder and chooses not to say anything.


1. I wish I had your problem
Having an eating disorder does not just mean someone is really good at dieting. An eating disorder is not a diet gone wrong. You may wish you were slimmer - but would you wish to have autism or cancer? An eating disorder is an illness, it is not a quick fix to get into your bikini by summer, and nothing will minimise someone's very real pain and suffering faster than if you assume it is.


2. You should recover for your kids.
Now if you are a trained healthcare professional ready to support someone through the fallout of this statement feel free to disagree with me on this one - but it's my list so I'm adding it here. I've had this said to me more times than I care to count, by people thinking it would motivate me. But what I hear is: "You are a lazy bad and worthless mother because you can't even fix this for those beautiful children of yours who you say you'd do anything for". ouch.


3. Surely you're too old to have an eating disorder.
Surprisingly there is no such thing, so just don't say that.


4. You're setting a really bad example for your children.
At the end of the day this may be true. But no one chooses to have an eating disorder, and guilt and blame have no place in recovery or in the support of those trying to recover. You cannot guilt someone into getting better. The guilt only makes it so so much worse.


5. It's just the baby blues, it happens to everyone these days.
Ah, the ubiquitous "stop making a fuss, you're nothing special, get over it" comment. Again, adding guilt is not helpful.


6. You're just bored. You'll get over it once you go back to work.
No, an eating disorder is an illness. Taking up a hobby will not fix this. Someone with an eating disorder may find work really rewarding, but for so many reasons more valuable than just they need a distraction. Building up self-esteem is one of those valuable reasons, but proper treatment is also absolutely necessary.


7. It's the fault of the media.
This implies that firstly that the person with the eating disorder has been sucked in by the media because they're so gullible and easily manipulated. And secondly that once again, it's just a diet gone wrong and they really just want to look like those chicks from Desperate Housewives.

8. Oh man not you too! Does everybody have an eating disorder these days or what?
See #5 if you can't figure out why you shouldn't say this one!


9. Is it just that being a mother is so much harder than you thought, dear?
Well firstly, der, it's much harder than anyone thought. If we all knew how hard it was going to be before we started it, we'd never becomes mums! But seriously, that kind of condescending "I sound like I'm concerned but I'm really just putting you down" comment is not helpful.

10. For heavens sake don't tell anyone!!
And this one I'm not even going to justify with an explanation. If you say this to anyone with an eating disorder then you are worse than a fool, because you are a dangerous fool.

Any more to add? What's the least helpful thing that has ever been said to you by someone trying to offer support? And what advice would you like to give them now?

published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com

EDIT: I've published the flipside - 10 things you *should* say to a mum with an eating disorder

careful, all this power might go to my head!

image

I've been on Lexapro now for several months to help control my out-of-control anxiety. And I was told that I would know the Lexapro was working more in how I handle things than in how I actually feel. Well case in point would have to be lunch today.

And no, surprisingly *not* because of the food. But rather, because of the appallingly bad service.

Here in Melbourne there are lots of good cafes, so service this poor is relatively unheard of. And yet after waiting more than forty five minutes for our lunch (nothing complicated either mind you, just standard cafe fare) the kids were getting restless and I decided enough was enough.

I actually asked the waitress when our food would be ready.

Big deal I hear you scoff. Well for me it is. Normally I would shush the kids and remind them to have patience. But they were being really good, and the service was being really slow. Absolutely nothing seemed to be coming out of the kitchen.

So I was told ours was next.

Only it wasn't. It was second or third either.

I got up at this stage and went up to the counter and asked again. "Yep, it's next", they said.

Nope. Wrong. Not this time. I'd been told that answer ten minutes earlier. I very firmly told them they needed to check through their orders and find mine and double check it to make sure it was a) actually there, and b) actually next.

I returned to my seat, and lo and behold the meals arrived within 1 minute, with apologies from the manager, and 20% off the bill.

Now I obviously won't bother going back there again, but that's my choice. I'm not embarrassed by my forthrightness. I wasn't rude. I didn't even get nervous. It was poor service so I said so. Sounds easy...and it was.

I think I know the Lexapro is working. And it was kinda fun...shhhh :)


published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com

ticked-off-orexia

An article was published this week by the online mag Mamamia; a good fun site with lots of great parenting articles that I love to read. So why am I so ticked-off this time?

Oooo, well, it *might* have something to do with this:

Quote from Why do so many women lie about what they eat
"...Liarexic. Yes, we know that some people object to the trivialisation of anorexia by other forms of disordered eating adopting their suffix.
But we didn’t make up this name, we’re just telling you about it.
Apparently Liarexia is the notion that people, namely women, will eat large amounts of food (or a particular type of food eg: burgers and fries) in public yet strictly limit their portions in private. A new eating disorder if you will."

Two things immediately ticked-me-off regarding the contents of this article (written by a freelance graphic designer):
firstly the perpetuation of media-concocted-passing-itself-off-as-medical bollocks, and
secondly the flippant and arrogant way in which are instructed not to be annoyed by the fact that they doing exactly that; perpetuating the bollocks.

Yes fine, you didn't make up the term, but you know what - the "she started it" excuse didn't wash with your mum, so why try it on with us?

But of course it is not this article in isolation that is so damaging - it is the rapidly increasing trend by the media to just make stuff up!! In addition to Liarexia, here are some of the others I've heard recently (all [abridged] definitions courtesy of such paragons of wisdom as:  Urban Dictionary and Wikipedia):

tanorexia (a disease like anorexia, no matter how tan a person is they never think they are tan enough)
  
Brideorexia (When a bride goes overboard trying to get skinny for her wedding day)

Sexual-anorexia (loss of "appetite" for romantic-sexual interaction)

drunkorexia (The practice of replacing meals with booze.)

wannarexia (An imaginary disease most commonly found amongst preteen to teenage, overweight, females whom claim to have the eating disorder anorexia)

pregorexia  (The state of being extremely skinny to the point of being nearly anorexic when pregnant)

exorexia (someone who exercises far too much, to the point of obsession)

and, oh joy...
fatorexia (opposite anorexia. Thinking ones self is too thin)


But surely just repeating these new little invented nick-names is just a bit of fun? Yay! I mean this kind of thing wouldn't embarrass someone into hiding an eating disorder would it? Well then perhaps you can explain to me why we don't make up witty names to have a good laugh about how smokers are increasing their risk of cancer? Perhaps we could call them cancer-groupies. No? Why not? Because it would be disgusting. Abhorrent. And completely unacceptable.

So why is the trivialisation of the most deadly mental illness acceptable?

Continued minimisation not only reduces the seriousness of this disease in the eyes of the general public, but it humiliates sufferers and perpetuates the stigma associated with it.

But it's all in good fun, so it couldn't really be serious...

At the time I wrote this 11,155 people 'liked' this website. That's a lot of people who have just been influenced to think anorexia is a joke.

how big am I anyway?

I don't think I've had a problem with my body image in the past. Even over the last couple of years as my anorexia returned I always knew I was thin (obviously not so much when pregnant or postnatal!!). Sometimes I didn't feel thin, but if I looked in the mirror I could remember my true size. I never saw a different size to the one I was.

But now...

Now that I'm trying so hard to stick to my meal plan and not exercise; I'm suddenly enormous. My arms, my thighs, my chest, my tummy. All bloated and flabby and just, well, fat. Really fat. I feel like a rapidly inflating balloon. I'm so uncomfortable I can't stand it.

But (with the notable exception of that pair of jeans) just about all my clothes still fit me. So what gives?

I'm sure I'm a hippo. But how can I be?

ED really is a tricky bastard.


thankfully after I wrote this earlier this evening I went back to a recent post a had read on Laura's Soap Box regarding goal weight where I found she had responded to my query about ED thinking getting worse with weight restoration. To my relief Laura validated my fears - so I'm feeling much better about my distress - although I still wish it would go away!!!!

I screamed

My black and white thinking resurfaced this morning in a rather ugly way - but at least I'm starting to be able to catch myself thinking these thoughts. So there's hope I will be able to one day stop them in their tracks. But not today...

I could feel the panic rising. I've been so very tired lately and have let so many jobs around the house pile up. And pile up they have. And this morning it all became too much.

I was stupid and useless and pathetic and a complete failure because the clothes weren't put away. I was the most hopeless, lazy, stupid person ever because my house wasn't perfect. Everyone else can manage. Everyone else's houses and lives are perfect. I just couldn't get anything done. I couldn't find clothes for the children fast enough, and I couldn't get myself dressed early enough. I wanted to be ready to go first thing, and first thing was getting later and later...

Where was that perfect uncomplaining wife I planned to be (yes my own parents are divorced). Get the children ready, have everything perfect, don't bother anyone with mundane complaints about my unimportant day, be perfect and happy all the time and everything will be fine.

But everything's changing. I don't know who to be anymore. How can I be the perfect wife if I'm fat and useless?The only thing I'm any good at is exercising, and I'm not allowed to do that!!

I hated myself and I screamed.

Sadly all this did was make my baby cry and worry my husband - who was not rushing me or pressuring me in anyway - that was me projecting (I know that, and I'm so sorry).

But I stopped. It didn't go on for more than a minute or so, and although it took me while to recover from the resultant headache, I could see what happened. I could also see that I had about 30 minutes of warning signs before hand where I could have prevented it. I could have said I was feeling pressured and stressed. Could we slow down? Could he help me? (yes, he did ask and 'PJ the perfect matyr' said "no").
But was it even triggered by the events of this morning? Or was it coming on since yesterday? Was it because I restricted yesterday because I was 'busy' at work? Or was it the pasta I had at dinner? Or was it the post I read about someone discovering she likes to run - which made me feel so sad about not being able to. Any of this could have been the 'reason', and any of this I could have shared with Mr PJ.

But I didn't, so I had the panic attack instead.

However, it was at least a really short one. And no I'm not all those awful things I said. And I'm going to be that acrobat I like so much from Lori's metaphor. Yes I fumbled, yes I slipped. But I'm going to pick myself up quickly and move on without too much fuss. Because the sooner you stop wallowing and start doing again, the better.

So on with my day :)

Can you take a day off?

Wondering tonight about the merits of taking a day off recovery.

Honestly, when all the pushing uphill becomes just too much effort, is it okay to take a day off? Or is this a cop out? Or does this constitute a slip?

My thoughts are that surely a planned day off doesn't count as a slip. After all, I can't do anything else that I need to do to diffuse this feeling - so maybe a little break is acceptable for stress relief?

But then I know that these are all just excuses - and I know that no excuses are acceptable when it comes to recovery.

So here's what I should do:
1. accept that I feel disgusting and uncomfortable and sick. I do. And that's just tough luck.
2. talk to Mr PJ - remind him of my warning signs checklist, and tell him I'm going to need it again
3. put today behind me. Go to bed (it's after 10:30pm) and start again tomorrow
4. if I still feel like this tomorrow, ring my gp and schedule in an appointment for this week - don't wait for a relapse to really take hold
5. breathe

but all of this takes courage...

'helpful' websites should know better!

am I the only one who has ever found some of the information on 'help' websites triggering? 'Cos I found a real doozy tonight...

I should have known from the outset that I was in the wrong place.

Pictures of women's midriffs adorning the home page -- should have closed the window. The one in particular along with the caption 'eating disorders' -- that flat, flat (she's never had three enormous babies) tummy and prominent hip bones -- should have closed the window.

Why did I read on?

Why, because it told me it was a 'caring' space. Pro-recovery. And I had been sent there following a tweet which promised "resources for adult eating disorders". All I want at the moment is someone to give me some guidance on how to maintain my motivation and stick to my eating plan. So I stupidly went on until I found the section entitled 'mid-life anorexia'. Ah, I think, this is where I'll find some answers.

All I found was a majorly condescending fluff piece article about one woman's experience. Not only does it actually go as far as to validate everything that ED has been telling me about how pathetic and shallow I am to have an eating disorder at my age -- but it then follows this up by talking about her current weight.

quick PJ...off to google lbs to kg conversion.
but wait, my weight must be creeping up to that now -- so if she's in recovery, then I'm overweight! crap.

reading this site was supposed to be helpful! Why didn't I close the window?

I can't tell you how much I wish I hadn't read this. Stupid stupid mistake -- and they should know better. Really really ticked off with this website. Really hurt and betrayed.

Careful what you read people. Not everyone is as careful and understanding and knowledgeable as they think they are.

Jerks.