hiding...

[source]

Ever have one of those times where random people out in the world just seem to feel an overwhelming urge to invade your personal space and tell you what they think?

Well I've been having one of those months. And quite frankly if I have to put up with any more judgement from friends, colleagues, healthcare providers and random strangers in restaurants I'm going to completely fall apart.

So I've gone into hiding.

I've cancelled my appointments, cancelled my personal trainer, even cancelled my house-cleaner. I've retreated. I can't win, so I'm waving the white flag.

But only for now.

I have a big social event coming up in a week and a half and I really really want to be in one coherent piece; so I'm not taking any risks. No one is going to get the chance to derail me.

So comments are off on this post. I will be limiting my email, twitter etc. All in the name of "just in case".

"you make me look normal"

this was said to me recently by a friend - so straight away I was laughing -no offence taken.

but she was serious. "no really, you make me look normal"

she went on to explain what she meant - not that I was so nuts that by comparison she appeared far less nuts :-) but rather that to her I was normal. She doesn't see me as nuts, but we share so many things, so many habits and thoughts and worries, that by extension my normality gave her a sense of normality.

I really loved hearing this.

If any of you out there reading my blog think that I am normal and you are nuts, just remember I am every bit as nuts as you, and therefore you are every bit as normal as me.

And to those of you kind enough to be concerned about me after my last post, I'm no more or less nuts that I have been in the past, I'm just saying it out loud a little bit now instead of always bottling it up - so that's really quite a good thing - but thank you xx

*normal pic from here

I've finally become the rollercoaster cliche

source

I can now see how this goes!

I feel distressed so I seek support. The support helps and slowly I start to feel better. I start to eat better. My mind calms down and I start to think clearly again.

I feel strong again. I feel happy and like my old self - ready to tackle any challenge. So I set myself a little one. Just a little one, I'll just lose 1 or 2 kilos. Because that won't hurt me, but then I'll just feel a bit better. And that's ok. I'm not going to go overboard. I'm back under control now. It will all be fine.

So I restrict, just a little. Because I'm fine now. And I up my exercise, just a little. Because I'm fine now.

And that little bit, even one skipped meal, is enough space for ED to squeeze back into my mind.

And so I start to really believe my own bullshit.

And so I'm really extra amazingly fine. In fact I'm so bloody fine I don't need any of these appointments! I've got everything under control and it's fine and nobody is going to steal my motivation away from me. I'm on a roll now. This is great.

And so I cancel my appointments.

And the rug comes sweeping out from under me. I start to panic. but I can't panic, because everything is going really well, you see. I'M FINE, you see. Don't need anyone. I'm wasting their time. Can't talk about it. God I'm stupid, what did I think I was doing. I can't go back and re-make those appointments now, they'll think I'm an idiot who can't take care of herself for two minutes without whining.

And so I panic some more. Lock myself away in my own dark little mind where the only light is provided by my scales and the pain in my stomach.

And then it all gets too much. I blurt it out to someone. And I realise that I really do need some support - otherwise why did I just blurt it out like that. I needed to tell someone. Because I am the olympic superstar at covering up my pain - so if I don't talk no one will know I need help. I have to be the one to initiate the process.

And so in my distress I reach out for support. The support helps and slowly I start to feel better. I start to eat better. My mind calms down and I start to think clearly again.

I feel strong again. I feel happy and like my old self - ready to tackle any challenge...

getting there, slowly...

Had a really good session w Dr C today. We talked about how much my insight has improved over the last 12 months - and I would definitely agree with this. 

My session with Dr C last week was difficult as I needed to go and tell her I was struggling again. 

I had all but dropped my bundle and was crying over every little thing - which is very unlike me. I know that I'm definitely one to hide my emotions at the best of times but crying randomly in public places was starting to do my head in quite frankly. I did stop short of fully disclosing the nature and intensity of my thoughts lately (some of which I discussed here) although I touched on it by saying I had been having some dark and scary moments.

Following last weeks session Dr C decided she wanted me to get some serious sleep and come back again this week. Which I did. I'm not sure I fully realised how much my lack of sleep was profoundly affecting me. I have really been able to get things back in perspective now that I'm not so devastatingly exhausted. I have been getting by on 2 or 3 hours of sleep a night for about a month now and I didn't even notice just how bad it had gotten.

Dr C told me today that she mostly just wanted to check up on me at this week's appointment, but she was already confident that I would be much better by this week as I had identified by myself that I was struggling and I had made the necessary appointments I needed. She knew I would be better by this week because even simply coming to see her showed I was pulling myself out of the slip. I had already made the decision not to continue on the way I was - but rather to seek the support I needed to get back on track and to then follow through in returning this week.

And I really do feel much better.

In fact today, for the first time ever, I realised just how grateful I am to Dr C. I was able to sit and chat with her with an open, calm mind. And I really do owe that to her for pushing me so hard right from that first day. And I have that same feeling I had back in December of being recovered. That same feeling that I can hardly believe the last two and half years ever happened.

But this evening I saw myself in the mirror and once again saw my 'chubby' face - and I remembered that this isn't quite over yet. I am still a work in progress :)


published by http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com

pros and cons of standing on my own two feet

The feeling of standing on my own two feet again is undeniably good. I feel independent again - which is something I haven't felt for a long time. I have been worrying a lot lately that I just couldn't get through a week without some sort of appointment to keep me going - to make sure I was coping. Which to me is horrifying. I'm a grown woman with a career and children of my own. I should not need anyone to hold my hand. Period.

So giving myself the opportunity to test my own strength again is so exciting and empowering. I really feel like I'm giving myself the chance to prove that I can go a few weeks without any extra help. You know, like normal people.

I remember when my first child was born. The hospital I stayed at had a night nursery where the night midwives would settle the baby and bring it back to you when it was hungry - so you had the chance to sleep. On my last night in hospital I insisted that the baby stay with me for the whole night. I just wanted to make sure I could do it while I still had backup on hand if things went pear-shaped.

I guess this experiment is a bit like that. I know my supports are always there should I fall in a heap - but I really need to prove to myself that I haven't become so pathetic and needy that I can't even take care of myself for the duration of the school holidays.

So there's the pros.

But what about the cons?

I noticed tonight that another big chunk of my hair has fallen out... My first thought was I should tell DrC, or J. But then I remembered that I've only been trying to get on on my own for a week or so - surely I could do better than that?? So I thought well maybe I could email a US friend of mine I confide in a lot. But surely that's no different to confiding in J. So does that leave me with not being able to tell anyone that I'm distressed and scared?

Does standing on my own two feet mean standing alone?

I know I'm not alone, I have lots of wonderful friends and an adoring husband and my team are still there if I need them. So I don't feel alone so much as I feel confused. If I don't want to go back to whinging about every little detail of every little thing that happens to me every single week, is there still space for talking about the things that distress me - am I able to find a balance? Or is that still just hand-holding?

Can I stand on my own two feet but still feel the need to talk? Or are the two mutually exclusive?

I am so sick to back teeth of all this crap. I want words like: Recovered. Normal. Uncomplicated. Competent. Calm. Trustworthy. Sensible. Organised. Reliable. Intelligent. Normal. Normal. Normal. Normal. Normal.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Stupid brain...

the power of positive thinking

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“Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.”

- Mahatma Gandhi

“You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.”
- Christopher Columbus

 

“So many of our dreams at first seems impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable.”
- Christopher Reeve

“You must be the change you want to see in the world.”
- Mahatma Gandhi 

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life’s about creating yourself.”
- George Bernard Shaw  

I love to read the inspirational quotes on twitter. And so many of them seem to suggest that success is for the most part the simple and whole hearted knowledge that if you believe you can succeed, then you will be successful.

Or as I like to put it: Fake it till you make it.

So this is what I have decided to do. I'm going to put all my energy into just being 'recovered'. No more being 'in recovery'. I am recovered. Surely if I work under this assumption then I can make it happen.

The endless half-life of 'recovery' feels too much like marking time. I want to feel normal. I'm tired of feeling like a child who's trying to join in the conversation with the grown-ups.

So, no more.

No more waiting for something to change. No more endless appointments. No more going around in circles. I am making a change. I am going to stand on my own two feet and be the change.

Do you think it is possible?? Do you think positive thinking can be as powerful as all that? Do you think I'm inspired or insane? :)

Lazy Lexapro

pretty pills from here

As it turns out, a lot of my drive to talk/blog/write has been driven by my anxiety.

And I know this because it's disappeared a lot lately. An increase in my daily dose has had a marked effect on my 'need' to blog. And also my 'want' to blog.

I can't decided whether I can't be bothered. I'm too tired. I don't care. Or I just don't have as much to say.


Whatever the reason, the upshot is I have found it very difficult to even open my own blog - and nigh on impossible to read anyone else's. Which is very strange for me.

I'm hoping it is just a settling in period, and I'll adjust to the increase - because I really love to write. But not just to hear my own voice. And if I were to write at the moment that's what it would feel like. I want to write because I am fired up about something. Because there is something burning inside me that I have to share. I don't want to talk just to fill the silence.

So I guess this is a little explanation of where I have been lately. I'm still here, muddling along. With my good days and bad days and everything in between. I'm just not quite myself.

Not that I want to stop taking the meds. I'll take lazy over terrified and starving any day of the week...

so close and yet so far

It lasted about 10 days...

For 10 days I would have said without hesitation that I was recovered.

It was amazing! I was relaxed. I was busy thinking about the holidays and xmas presents and there was no thoughts wasted on calories and rules. I ate without giving it a second thought. I didn't even want to weigh myself - I couldn't be bothered with that rubbish. Why would I care? I was so happy it was ridiculous :)

And then I got really busy at work and didn't take the time to eat, and by the time I got home it was all gone again. I struggled to eat dinner. I told myself I had been so good all day why ruin it now. The magic was gone and the ED was let back in.

J (my therapist) tried to ask me about those 10 days but I couldn't talk about them. I just cried at what I had lost. How happy I had been made me so sad to remember now that it is gone again.

J assures me that being able to string together so many days like that means that I will get it back again. It is not lost forever. I am close.

I'm trying to work back through my mind exactly what I was doing and thinking in those days leading up to when I felt recovered so I can repeat those things to try to recapture the feeling - but the ED thoughts are working very hard to confuse me. I keep thinking how much I want to go back to that recovered feeling only to realise that I am actively doing all the same ED habits I do when I'm trying not to go back.

so close and yet so far

sigh...

If I read one more tweet/blog that tells me I'm not "REAL" I'm going to scream!

I've got my ranty pants on today - and unlike the last time I blogged something to this effect I'm not going to let you make me feel bad about myself.

I've just read those damn words again:

"real women have curves"

But so many of you who say this also say you advocate "Size Acceptance" and "Health at Every Size"?

Interesting.

Now for those of you who just say you advocate for "Fat Acceptance" I don't mind this in the least. You are not implying that you speak for me. As a fat woman you have every right to push back against societal stereotypes and inequities - and you know what - I support you! I think society is very unfair, biased and down-right appalling in it's general treatment of fat people.

But I'm here (complete with ranty pants) to tell you that if you want to speak for "Heath at EVERY size" you sure better include MY size in that - as well as EVERYONE elses.

Because I exist.  

And what is it exactly that you think makes you a MORE real woman than me?

I'm a woman.

I have had three babies.

I have a loving husband and wonderful friends.

I laugh and love and cry and dream.

I am strong.

I have a career I love.

I am getting healthier every day.

I am not the size of my trousers any more than you are!

And don't you dare say that I am a fat-hater. At no point anywhere in my blog or in my life have I judged anyone by their size. You know nothing of my history or my experiences. So that won't ever be justification for how inferior you have tried to make me feel.

This issue has nothing to do with being fat or being skinny. It's about accepting people for who they are - regardless of size. That REAL WOMEN come in all shapes and sizes, and being skinny does not make you less, any more than being fat does.

So if you think it is offensive for someone to judge you based on your size, well guess what sister - that's exactly what you just did to me  - and I am offended. And you are a hypocrite.

Your words have power, and meaning, and they hurt.

And if you insist on telling me you are more real than I am I will call you on it. I have found my voice and I am not afraid to be me anymore.

I am not better than you. But I sure as hell am not any less real than you either.

my golden rule

PJ's Golden Rule: when in doubt ask yourself 

"do I want to do this for the rest of my life?"

I'm suddenly really scared of food again. I was doing quite well with my eating, I put on some weight, and then a little bit more, and then a little bit more, and then I got scared.

Somewhere along the line I seem to have apparently decided that to be 'safe' I need to be really 'careful' about what I eat. Yes, I still want to eat, but to stop myself from going overboard (whatever that may mean) I need to be really particular about how much I eat, when I eat it and then how much exercise I do. I've even been writing it down so I can keep track of it and make sure that I have what I think is enough but not any more - just to be on the safe side.

And I don't know about you, but that sounds distinctly like an eating disorder to me.

So even though I don't actually think I'm doing anything dangerous - I'm not restricting and I'm not over-exercising, and from the outside I probably look like I'm doing a really good job - but if I apply my golden rule, the answer would have to be "no"; this is not what I want to do for the rest of my life. This is only existing. This is not living. I'm trying much too hard to do everything 'right'. But I want to be free from even this level of stress and need to control what I eat.

So for the first time in about 10 weeks I'm going to see my dietician (M) to talk to her about this. My instinct is to tell her I'm so afraid of putting on weight she needs to give me a meal plan which I can follow and remove some of that worry - hand over the decision making to her and let her calculate exactly what I can eat to maintain my current weight and not put on any more.

But that's not the answer.

That's not what I want to do for the rest of my life either.

So what is the answer? I don't know. But I think telling M everything that I just wrote here would be a very good start...

7 observations of ED recovery - from a partner's perspective

PJ's pretty amazing, don't you think? I do.

But I wasn't so sure about writing something for her blog. It's not really my thing. She asked me to write a top 10 observations of ED recovery from my perspective, to match her recent posts So with a bit of a struggle, I've come up with a top 7. Yes, I can count and I know that 7 is not 10. 7 is not even my favourite number. But it is what it is, a bit like life.

1. Rational/irrational
The rational person will always struggle with the irrational. ED is irrational. PJ's the most rational person I know. Don't confuse the two - but that can be easier said than done some days.

2. It's an illness with a label, but what does it mean?
It follows from the rational bit, but simply labelling ED as ED doesn't really provide a meaningful explanation of some of the stuff we've seen. Labels are really not useful. Not useful in ED, and not really useful in life either - life and ED are more complex than a two letter acronym.
There's some stuff on the web, but PJ's blog is hopefully helping others figure out what it means.

3. Life experiences
I don't quite know when it happened, but I've noticed that I'm not the young buck any more at work. (No snide comments about nose hairs either, thanks!) I've been around a while, and seen a bit. The curmudgeonly old man has come out occasionally recently, and I don't quite remember getting older. And I still don't get Twitter or Facebook.
But life experience is useful, and age has softened my views on plenty of things. PJ and I have been through plenty of highs and lows and everything in-between. We'll get through this challenge too. We're probably just as stubborn as each other and that's a good thing in dealing with ED.

4. The paradox of expectations
For those of you who don't know Seth Godin, you really should follow him. His daily aphorisms are succinct and thought provoking on life, marketing and business. His 30 Oct blog was particularly apt … http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2011/10/the-paradox-of-expectations.html:

"Low expectations are often a self-fulfilling prophecy. We insulate ourselves from failure, don't try as hard, brace for the worst and often get it.
High expectations, on the other hand, will inevitably lead to disappointment. Keep raising what you expect and sooner or later (probably sooner) it's not going to happen. And we know that a good outcome that's less than the great one we hoped for actually feels like failure.
Perhaps it's worth considering no expectations. Intense effort followed by an acceptance of what you get in return. It doesn't make good TV, but it's a discipline that can turn you into a professional."

I think that this can easily translate to tacking ED - it's not going to be a quick fix, but discipline/sticking with it will lead to recovery. Celebrate the good outcomes, and a great one will come along too … in time. Reaching out for help, finding educated/skilled helpers, networking and writing about ED are all good outcomes.

5. Humour
There's nothing funny about ED. Nothing.  
In a self-reflective moment I've been thinking that we're going to need to find more ways to lighten up and laugh a bit. Putting ED aside (if it was only that easy, hey), life's not bad. It's a little like that expectations thing … laugh at the funny bits, be appropriately serious at the serious bits, but seek out more of the funny than the serious.

6. Find what works
 I read somewhere (it's that old age thing again) recently something along the lines of coffee, tea and water will help you work things out; drinking spirits will not. To quote the web forums … YMMV  (I'm old enough to understand forums, as I started out with dial up BBSs - you do know what they are don't you?). 
 And what works today, might not work tomorrow. Adjust. Refine. And adjust again. We won't be fixed into a single course of action. Mix it up.

7. The F-word
No, not that F-word. The other one … feelings. I'm bloody hopeless at talking about them. I'm an Aussie man, with a stiff-upper-lip kind of upbringing and professional training. Talking about feelings might be a sign of weakness that might be exploited - isn't that right? Guys don't really talk about feelings do they? Perhaps we should … perhaps I should. Would it help or would the incompetence from a severe lack of practice get in the way of being constructive for PJ?
Listening to PJ (which I actually do every now and again, but could probably do much, much better), it sounds like we might need to have a F-word conversation. Now that's going to be uncomfortable for me … but this isn't about me, is it.


And there it is. The blog post I really didn't think that I'd ever be able to write. 
Again, I know it's 7 not 10. Who's counting?

 

the impending guest post

Stephen Fry left his wallet on the plane on his return trip from Australia recently. His tweet to this effect started:

Oh Jesus arsemothering fuck...

and right about now this is exactly how I feel. Why? Because for better or for worse I have just asked Mr PJ to write a guest post for my blog. I told him just to be honest about the ED experience from his perspective - and that it didn't have to be nice, because the bad stuff is every bit as valid a part of his experience as the good.

So hold your breath with me please people, because he said yes...

learning to trust

Rewind to Dec of last year. It was my second ever visit to my first therapist, K, and my toddler was sick so I had to take her along with me. She just had a rash, she was actually fine, but rash automatically means 'no creche'. The session went ok. I had been pretty organised and brought along enough food and activities to keep her amused. And apart from one trip and fall and cry towards the end, toddler was pretty good. But in the back of my mind I was worried about the inconvenience I was causing by having her there. And right at the end this back-of-my-mind thought came right up to the front.

K leaned back in her chair and said "I just want to tell you..."

and then: pause...

in that split second pause I managed to think a thousand thoughts: starting with "oh sh*t here it comes" and progressing at lightning speed to "I don't care what she says, I don't have to come back here any way". In that split second I imagined she was going to tell me how bringing along my toddler showed a lack of commitment to my recovery and she wouldn't be able to continue to work with me. In that split second I put up a wall so big I was ready to get up and walk out and not even let her finish her sentence.

So when she finished with "...I think you're a really good mother" I was so shocked I actually blurted out "I thought you were going to tell me off".

Fast forward to last week's session with J - and the identical situation arose. Toddler was too sick to go to creche and I had to take her to my session. Again I tried to keep toddler amused, but this time I was very conscious that toddler really was quite sick so I was more than willing to put her needs ahead of the effectiveness of the session.

And sure enough, towards the end of the session J made a comment, and then there was *that* pause.

Two very interesting things have sprung up from this pause however:

Firstly, I was able to catch my thoughts this time. Yes I drew breath, but I was able to remind myself that my worst fear didn't eventuate last time so it was unlikely to eventuate this time. Relax and wait and see what she says.
And secondly the moment came and went, and I don't actually remember what was said. I remember the moment, I remember my feelings, but the exact words have faded. They are not indelibly etched on my brain; burned into my memory for all time. The terror of the first situation was not there this time.

I have learned to trust. Trust that J is not just faking being nice to me and will turn on me at any moment. Trust that I am not doing anything wrong that I will get into trouble for. I can trust her to help me and support me with kindness and constructive advice - not just put me down and bully me as a means of motivating me to excel simply to avoid the shame of failure.

I trust J. Yes I still hold a lot back from her - and I probably always will. But at least I know that the bits I chose to share with her will be heard and dealt with fairly and non judgmentally. So even if the wall never comes all the way down, it's certainly getting smaller.

10 things you *SHOULD* say to a mum with an eating disorder

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My "10 things *NOT* to say to a mum with an eating disorder" post the other was intended to help people wishing to support someone they love to avoid saying some of the biggest clangers I've been on the receiving end of.

But it was really only half of the story wasn't it? And when Rosie Molinary suggested I write the other half I simply responded "what a good idea". But it has been much harder to write than the first.

Because sometimes no matter what you say, it will seem like the wrong thing.

So here are some suggestions of comments I have found immensely helpful and encouraging. A lot of these would relate to any adult with an eating disorder, while some are specific to mothers. But just remember - everyone will react differently to things you say for a variety of different reasons. And often what you say will be misinterpreted by the person's eating disorder. I have seen the blank and puzzled look on my husband's face on more than one occasion as I've reacted completely unexpectedly to something he felt was innocuous.

So if your carefully considered comment doesn't goes as planned - don't despair and don't give up...ever!

1. I believe you - to be told this is so much more powerful than you can imagine. I was so sure my gp would laugh at me the first time I went to see her - and when she didn't I felt immediately like I could really trust her.

2. I don't know the right thing to say but I'm here for you - you can't fault honesty, and when your eating disorder is looking for any hint of trickery in someone's voice honesty is always the best policy.

3. I will stand by you through this - this again is one from my gp. She promised to be loyal to me no matter what. So I know no matter how badly I behave one week I can always go back the next and there is nothing to apologise for - ever.

4. You can recover - I did not know this. And even once people started telling me this it took me a long to believe it - so make sure you keep saying it, because it is true!

5. You can still be a good role model for your kids while you are recovering - I worried endlessly that I would only feel like I could be a good mother once I was recovered, but I can see that I am able to share the wonderful insights I am gaining (such as learning to put situations in perspective and positive self talk) with my children in an appropriate way. And this is what good parenting is all about. It's not about waiting until you are a perfect human being.

6. You will be a better, more aware mum now that you've identified you have an eating disorder - I am so conscious to be aware of personality traits my children display which are red-flags for me, such as catastrophising and being down on themselves - and I am now able to support them with the strategies I have learned.

7. What is your most immediate need? And how can I help/support you with this? - Usually I instinctively know what my most immediate need is; such as 'eating', 'going to see my gp', 'being hugged' etc. But not always. Sometimes I am so distressed I have no idea what to do next. But it is nice to be asked none the less.

8. You can trust me - one of my biggest fears has always been that the person I tell will tell someone else; that I will become the subject of a mother's coffee morning gossip session. I need to know that my privacy will be maintained (within reason of course, such as if my gp needs to know).

9. I will help you find the right person to talk to - so important in recovery is finding the right fit with a really good treatment team, and being supported in my decision to change a member of that team was helpful as I didn't really feel I was 'allowed' to. I lacked so much confidence, I needed encouragement - and my recovery has benefited from this decision.

10. I will come with you to your appointment if you want me to - this not only let me know that I was believed and supported, but also that I was worth the time out of their day to 'waste' sitting around in a drs office. They didn't have anywhere more important to be at that time. And that was huge!

And when all else fails hugs are nice. A hug is so helpful when you are feeling completely worthless. So don't hesitate to hug.

And lastly, did you know that support people can also ring helplines such as that offered by The Butterfly Foundation? So if you want some information, advice, or you just want someone nonjudgmental to talk to too you can ring them and they will listen.

Any more to add? What has been helpful for you to hear? Please share. Let's give support people a little bit of confidence to start the most important conversation they will ever have. 

published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com


also check out my flipside post: 10 things *NOT* to say to a mum with an eating disorder

10 things *NOT* to say to a mum with an eating disorder

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Over the past year or so I've had some great friends offer me wonderful advice and support. From people who have freely admitted they don't know anything about eating disorders but will listen anytime I need to talk, to people who have seen it all or lived through it all.

But every now and then I have encountered people, often through no fault of their own, who have said just the wrong things. Things that have set me back. Things that have confused me. And things that have hurt me more than I could ever tell you.

So here's my top ten list of things I have really hated having said to me (in no particular order). Don't get me wrong though - I still actually really appreciate the fact that they said something (mostly) - it is far worse when a friend or loved one suspects or knows you have an eating disorder and chooses not to say anything.


1. I wish I had your problem
Having an eating disorder does not just mean someone is really good at dieting. An eating disorder is not a diet gone wrong. You may wish you were slimmer - but would you wish to have autism or cancer? An eating disorder is an illness, it is not a quick fix to get into your bikini by summer, and nothing will minimise someone's very real pain and suffering faster than if you assume it is.


2. You should recover for your kids.
Now if you are a trained healthcare professional ready to support someone through the fallout of this statement feel free to disagree with me on this one - but it's my list so I'm adding it here. I've had this said to me more times than I care to count, by people thinking it would motivate me. But what I hear is: "You are a lazy bad and worthless mother because you can't even fix this for those beautiful children of yours who you say you'd do anything for". ouch.


3. Surely you're too old to have an eating disorder.
Surprisingly there is no such thing, so just don't say that.


4. You're setting a really bad example for your children.
At the end of the day this may be true. But no one chooses to have an eating disorder, and guilt and blame have no place in recovery or in the support of those trying to recover. You cannot guilt someone into getting better. The guilt only makes it so so much worse.


5. It's just the baby blues, it happens to everyone these days.
Ah, the ubiquitous "stop making a fuss, you're nothing special, get over it" comment. Again, adding guilt is not helpful.


6. You're just bored. You'll get over it once you go back to work.
No, an eating disorder is an illness. Taking up a hobby will not fix this. Someone with an eating disorder may find work really rewarding, but for so many reasons more valuable than just they need a distraction. Building up self-esteem is one of those valuable reasons, but proper treatment is also absolutely necessary.


7. It's the fault of the media.
This implies that firstly that the person with the eating disorder has been sucked in by the media because they're so gullible and easily manipulated. And secondly that once again, it's just a diet gone wrong and they really just want to look like those chicks from Desperate Housewives.

8. Oh man not you too! Does everybody have an eating disorder these days or what?
See #5 if you can't figure out why you shouldn't say this one!


9. Is it just that being a mother is so much harder than you thought, dear?
Well firstly, der, it's much harder than anyone thought. If we all knew how hard it was going to be before we started it, we'd never becomes mums! But seriously, that kind of condescending "I sound like I'm concerned but I'm really just putting you down" comment is not helpful.

10. For heavens sake don't tell anyone!!
And this one I'm not even going to justify with an explanation. If you say this to anyone with an eating disorder then you are worse than a fool, because you are a dangerous fool.

Any more to add? What's the least helpful thing that has ever been said to you by someone trying to offer support? And what advice would you like to give them now?

published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com

EDIT: I've published the flipside - 10 things you *should* say to a mum with an eating disorder

careful, all this power might go to my head!

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I've been on Lexapro now for several months to help control my out-of-control anxiety. And I was told that I would know the Lexapro was working more in how I handle things than in how I actually feel. Well case in point would have to be lunch today.

And no, surprisingly *not* because of the food. But rather, because of the appallingly bad service.

Here in Melbourne there are lots of good cafes, so service this poor is relatively unheard of. And yet after waiting more than forty five minutes for our lunch (nothing complicated either mind you, just standard cafe fare) the kids were getting restless and I decided enough was enough.

I actually asked the waitress when our food would be ready.

Big deal I hear you scoff. Well for me it is. Normally I would shush the kids and remind them to have patience. But they were being really good, and the service was being really slow. Absolutely nothing seemed to be coming out of the kitchen.

So I was told ours was next.

Only it wasn't. It was second or third either.

I got up at this stage and went up to the counter and asked again. "Yep, it's next", they said.

Nope. Wrong. Not this time. I'd been told that answer ten minutes earlier. I very firmly told them they needed to check through their orders and find mine and double check it to make sure it was a) actually there, and b) actually next.

I returned to my seat, and lo and behold the meals arrived within 1 minute, with apologies from the manager, and 20% off the bill.

Now I obviously won't bother going back there again, but that's my choice. I'm not embarrassed by my forthrightness. I wasn't rude. I didn't even get nervous. It was poor service so I said so. Sounds easy...and it was.

I think I know the Lexapro is working. And it was kinda fun...shhhh :)


published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com

genius

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This time will be different.

I won't eat dinner. That will fix it. That will help me lose this extra weight.

And once I've lost the weight, then I'll stop doing this and get better, then. I'll just take a little break from recovery until I've lost this weight. But not too much. Just xxxkg. That's perfectly reasonable.

And it will be fine. In fact better than fine. It won't be like last time - it will make me feel much better.

And then I will stop.

This time will be different.

Only guess what? It's not different. I feel awful. I'm lethargic. I'm dehydrated. I'm dizzy and I'm having trouble breathing. I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm having trouble concentrating and I keep forgetting things.

I don't want to go down this path again. I want to feel good - in both my body and mind. And I won't until I consistently give my body the fuel it needs.

Try to remember this for next time please PJ!! The result never changes.


published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com

thought for the day

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I have been a bit quiet on the blogging-side lately. And this is mostly because I've been struggling, and I'm very conscious of not saying too much that might be triggering when I'm struggling - as there are days when I really just for all the world want my eating disorder back.

Really properly back. Back to the days when I did not realise I had a problem and could solve everything with restriction and compulsive exercise. I did not have to think or consider or weigh the pros and cons or feel guilty about my reckless, dangerous choices.

But now. Now my eating disorder is broken. And no amount of wishing can put it back together the way it was before. There will now always be cracks in it through which the light of insight shines.

And believe me I've spent a good deal of the last two weeks berating myself for these cracks. Telling myself how weak I have become now that I have started down the path of recovery.

But after an email conversation with a friend this morning I realised that I'm not too weak to fall back into my eating disorder...

I'm too strong.

published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com 

update on the plan

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After getting so upset at the gp's the other day I thought my 'when the sh*t hits the fan' plan would just take over. But it's not that easy. Something deep inside just couldn't let go of my bad feelings and thoughts. I went very quickly from 'that was a bad incident' to 'I'm a bad person' and it was seriously days before I could climb back on top of it.

Yes everything on my plan is great for averting an impending panic attack - especially one with no apparent reason. But is close to useless for helping me through the self-destructive feelings I go through after a confrontation. My plan helps with the anxiety feeling, but not with my out-of-control train-of-bad-thoughts.

So how to stop the train-of-bad-thoughts?

I don't really know is the honest truth.
Part of my ED voice wants me to feel bad because it helps trigger my ED behaviours. If I'm upset and feel bad about myself I don't eat as much. But this is not how I want to live.

I do not want to get to the end of my life and think "well at least I was miserable all the time because that kept me thin".

I think for now, if I really don't have the inner strength yet that I'm going to need in the long run, then I'm going to need to lean on my supports when I the train derails:
1. I need to talk to my hubby, and anyone and everyone on my Recovery Team list that I think can help me.
2. I really like my newly engraved bangle. I really think having this with me when I am out in the world on my own will be helpful. At a glance I see all the encouraging words really important people have said to me - and these words mean so much.
3. Eat. Nothing fuels my bad thoughts like starvation.
4. Play with my children. Their love and acceptance reminds me that I must never just give up.
5. Write. Being able to see just how fast my train-of-bad-thoughts is careening out of control is helpful. I can detach myself from these thoughts and look at them more objectively. Quite often I don't like what I see and it's enough to remind me of how I would rather be thinking and acting.

How do you stop your train-of-bad-thoughts when it's out of control??

published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com 

portable recovery support

A while ago I read a post by Lori Lieberman at Drop it and Eat all about the Big Apple Circus. Now only Lori could go to the circus and find metaphors that relate to eating disorder recovery ;-) But this post has stuck with me for so many wonderful reasons - one of which was the story of the clown who tries to capture the audience's applause in his little box - and how wonderful it would be if this was actually possible - to keep applause with you at all times, even when your supporters are not on hand.

This got me thinking how I could take my support with me everywhere even when my recovery team are not on hand. I came up with a list of special words from very special people. These are words that have either been said about me or said to me and I've had these words engraved in my bangle.

and that one right there in the middle - hope - that one was from Lori xxx