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getting there, slowly...

Had a really good session w Dr C today. We talked about how much my insight has improved over the last 12 months - and I would definitely agree with this. 

My session with Dr C last week was difficult as I needed to go and tell her I was struggling again. 

I had all but dropped my bundle and was crying over every little thing - which is very unlike me. I know that I'm definitely one to hide my emotions at the best of times but crying randomly in public places was starting to do my head in quite frankly. I did stop short of fully disclosing the nature and intensity of my thoughts lately (some of which I discussed here) although I touched on it by saying I had been having some dark and scary moments.

Following last weeks session Dr C decided she wanted me to get some serious sleep and come back again this week. Which I did. I'm not sure I fully realised how much my lack of sleep was profoundly affecting me. I have really been able to get things back in perspective now that I'm not so devastatingly exhausted. I have been getting by on 2 or 3 hours of sleep a night for about a month now and I didn't even notice just how bad it had gotten.

Dr C told me today that she mostly just wanted to check up on me at this week's appointment, but she was already confident that I would be much better by this week as I had identified by myself that I was struggling and I had made the necessary appointments I needed. She knew I would be better by this week because even simply coming to see her showed I was pulling myself out of the slip. I had already made the decision not to continue on the way I was - but rather to seek the support I needed to get back on track and to then follow through in returning this week.

And I really do feel much better.

In fact today, for the first time ever, I realised just how grateful I am to Dr C. I was able to sit and chat with her with an open, calm mind. And I really do owe that to her for pushing me so hard right from that first day. And I have that same feeling I had back in December of being recovered. That same feeling that I can hardly believe the last two and half years ever happened.

But this evening I saw myself in the mirror and once again saw my 'chubby' face - and I remembered that this isn't quite over yet. I am still a work in progress :)


published by http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com

so close and yet so far

It lasted about 10 days...

For 10 days I would have said without hesitation that I was recovered.

It was amazing! I was relaxed. I was busy thinking about the holidays and xmas presents and there was no thoughts wasted on calories and rules. I ate without giving it a second thought. I didn't even want to weigh myself - I couldn't be bothered with that rubbish. Why would I care? I was so happy it was ridiculous :)

And then I got really busy at work and didn't take the time to eat, and by the time I got home it was all gone again. I struggled to eat dinner. I told myself I had been so good all day why ruin it now. The magic was gone and the ED was let back in.

J (my therapist) tried to ask me about those 10 days but I couldn't talk about them. I just cried at what I had lost. How happy I had been made me so sad to remember now that it is gone again.

J assures me that being able to string together so many days like that means that I will get it back again. It is not lost forever. I am close.

I'm trying to work back through my mind exactly what I was doing and thinking in those days leading up to when I felt recovered so I can repeat those things to try to recapture the feeling - but the ED thoughts are working very hard to confuse me. I keep thinking how much I want to go back to that recovered feeling only to realise that I am actively doing all the same ED habits I do when I'm trying not to go back.

so close and yet so far

sigh...

If I read one more tweet/blog that tells me I'm not "REAL" I'm going to scream!

I've got my ranty pants on today - and unlike the last time I blogged something to this effect I'm not going to let you make me feel bad about myself.

I've just read those damn words again:

"real women have curves"

But so many of you who say this also say you advocate "Size Acceptance" and "Health at Every Size"?

Interesting.

Now for those of you who just say you advocate for "Fat Acceptance" I don't mind this in the least. You are not implying that you speak for me. As a fat woman you have every right to push back against societal stereotypes and inequities - and you know what - I support you! I think society is very unfair, biased and down-right appalling in it's general treatment of fat people.

But I'm here (complete with ranty pants) to tell you that if you want to speak for "Heath at EVERY size" you sure better include MY size in that - as well as EVERYONE elses.

Because I exist.  

And what is it exactly that you think makes you a MORE real woman than me?

I'm a woman.

I have had three babies.

I have a loving husband and wonderful friends.

I laugh and love and cry and dream.

I am strong.

I have a career I love.

I am getting healthier every day.

I am not the size of my trousers any more than you are!

And don't you dare say that I am a fat-hater. At no point anywhere in my blog or in my life have I judged anyone by their size. You know nothing of my history or my experiences. So that won't ever be justification for how inferior you have tried to make me feel.

This issue has nothing to do with being fat or being skinny. It's about accepting people for who they are - regardless of size. That REAL WOMEN come in all shapes and sizes, and being skinny does not make you less, any more than being fat does.

So if you think it is offensive for someone to judge you based on your size, well guess what sister - that's exactly what you just did to me  - and I am offended. And you are a hypocrite.

Your words have power, and meaning, and they hurt.

And if you insist on telling me you are more real than I am I will call you on it. I have found my voice and I am not afraid to be me anymore.

I am not better than you. But I sure as hell am not any less real than you either.

10 things you *SHOULD* say to a mum with an eating disorder

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My "10 things *NOT* to say to a mum with an eating disorder" post the other was intended to help people wishing to support someone they love to avoid saying some of the biggest clangers I've been on the receiving end of.

But it was really only half of the story wasn't it? And when Rosie Molinary suggested I write the other half I simply responded "what a good idea". But it has been much harder to write than the first.

Because sometimes no matter what you say, it will seem like the wrong thing.

So here are some suggestions of comments I have found immensely helpful and encouraging. A lot of these would relate to any adult with an eating disorder, while some are specific to mothers. But just remember - everyone will react differently to things you say for a variety of different reasons. And often what you say will be misinterpreted by the person's eating disorder. I have seen the blank and puzzled look on my husband's face on more than one occasion as I've reacted completely unexpectedly to something he felt was innocuous.

So if your carefully considered comment doesn't goes as planned - don't despair and don't give up...ever!

1. I believe you - to be told this is so much more powerful than you can imagine. I was so sure my gp would laugh at me the first time I went to see her - and when she didn't I felt immediately like I could really trust her.

2. I don't know the right thing to say but I'm here for you - you can't fault honesty, and when your eating disorder is looking for any hint of trickery in someone's voice honesty is always the best policy.

3. I will stand by you through this - this again is one from my gp. She promised to be loyal to me no matter what. So I know no matter how badly I behave one week I can always go back the next and there is nothing to apologise for - ever.

4. You can recover - I did not know this. And even once people started telling me this it took me a long to believe it - so make sure you keep saying it, because it is true!

5. You can still be a good role model for your kids while you are recovering - I worried endlessly that I would only feel like I could be a good mother once I was recovered, but I can see that I am able to share the wonderful insights I am gaining (such as learning to put situations in perspective and positive self talk) with my children in an appropriate way. And this is what good parenting is all about. It's not about waiting until you are a perfect human being.

6. You will be a better, more aware mum now that you've identified you have an eating disorder - I am so conscious to be aware of personality traits my children display which are red-flags for me, such as catastrophising and being down on themselves - and I am now able to support them with the strategies I have learned.

7. What is your most immediate need? And how can I help/support you with this? - Usually I instinctively know what my most immediate need is; such as 'eating', 'going to see my gp', 'being hugged' etc. But not always. Sometimes I am so distressed I have no idea what to do next. But it is nice to be asked none the less.

8. You can trust me - one of my biggest fears has always been that the person I tell will tell someone else; that I will become the subject of a mother's coffee morning gossip session. I need to know that my privacy will be maintained (within reason of course, such as if my gp needs to know).

9. I will help you find the right person to talk to - so important in recovery is finding the right fit with a really good treatment team, and being supported in my decision to change a member of that team was helpful as I didn't really feel I was 'allowed' to. I lacked so much confidence, I needed encouragement - and my recovery has benefited from this decision.

10. I will come with you to your appointment if you want me to - this not only let me know that I was believed and supported, but also that I was worth the time out of their day to 'waste' sitting around in a drs office. They didn't have anywhere more important to be at that time. And that was huge!

And when all else fails hugs are nice. A hug is so helpful when you are feeling completely worthless. So don't hesitate to hug.

And lastly, did you know that support people can also ring helplines such as that offered by The Butterfly Foundation? So if you want some information, advice, or you just want someone nonjudgmental to talk to too you can ring them and they will listen.

Any more to add? What has been helpful for you to hear? Please share. Let's give support people a little bit of confidence to start the most important conversation they will ever have. 

published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com


also check out my flipside post: 10 things *NOT* to say to a mum with an eating disorder

genius

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This time will be different.

I won't eat dinner. That will fix it. That will help me lose this extra weight.

And once I've lost the weight, then I'll stop doing this and get better, then. I'll just take a little break from recovery until I've lost this weight. But not too much. Just xxxkg. That's perfectly reasonable.

And it will be fine. In fact better than fine. It won't be like last time - it will make me feel much better.

And then I will stop.

This time will be different.

Only guess what? It's not different. I feel awful. I'm lethargic. I'm dehydrated. I'm dizzy and I'm having trouble breathing. I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm having trouble concentrating and I keep forgetting things.

I don't want to go down this path again. I want to feel good - in both my body and mind. And I won't until I consistently give my body the fuel it needs.

Try to remember this for next time please PJ!! The result never changes.


published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com

thought for the day

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I have been a bit quiet on the blogging-side lately. And this is mostly because I've been struggling, and I'm very conscious of not saying too much that might be triggering when I'm struggling - as there are days when I really just for all the world want my eating disorder back.

Really properly back. Back to the days when I did not realise I had a problem and could solve everything with restriction and compulsive exercise. I did not have to think or consider or weigh the pros and cons or feel guilty about my reckless, dangerous choices.

But now. Now my eating disorder is broken. And no amount of wishing can put it back together the way it was before. There will now always be cracks in it through which the light of insight shines.

And believe me I've spent a good deal of the last two weeks berating myself for these cracks. Telling myself how weak I have become now that I have started down the path of recovery.

But after an email conversation with a friend this morning I realised that I'm not too weak to fall back into my eating disorder...

I'm too strong.

published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com 

parenting through an anxiety attack

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A lot of my ED habits are an attempt to keep my anxiety under control. And for me this is surprising, as I never knew I had a problem with anxiety before. Yes, my eating disorder has been that successful in keeping anxiety under control that I have only started having anxiety attacks this year, now that I am working to eliminate my ED.

So now that I know, I need to learn how to reduce the symptoms of the anxiety without resorting to my dangerous habits. Returning to ED habits will simply prolong my recovery, it will not cure the anxiety, so that's not an option.

So what is an option?

Well, being able to walk away from parenting, certainly isn't.  But so much of the information I have read on how to deal with anxiety attacks assumes that you are able to just disappear for a few hours to recover.

But 99% of the time I can't. There's still a house-full of small people who need to be fed, washed, dressed and driven around - and I have no family here to help me.

So here's what I find helpful.

1. stay away from the caffeine

I like coffee and tea, a lot. It is warm and comforting. But a really bad idea if my heart rate is already through the roof. So I switch to peppermint tea for the duration.

2. prioritise

What can I just skip it today? The swimming lessons? The supermarket? Am I ok with letting them just watch tv or play at the park for an hour instead of rushing around?
I like to work out what I have to do immediately and what can just be 'let go' this time.

3. break it down

If I'm having an anxiety attack I'm not myself.
Normally I'm a can-do-anything type person. In the middle of an attack everything is a struggle and completely overwhelming. But breaking down my evening and my tasks into 15 minute intervals is helpful for me.
eg: here's what my anxiety evening might look like in my head.
(Note, I'm going to 'let go' of reading to the kids and doing the dishes that night because nothing terrible will happen if I don't do those things.)

**Any time I have left over in each 15min block I can have to sit down and breathe. That is then my time as each task doesn't need to start until the next 15min block**
No rushing.

4. breathe

It's that simple. Slow deep, eyes shut, breathing. Slow everything down. No rushing.

5. block it out

If need be I will also put my ipod on quietly in my ears to block out a lot of the chatter that I don't need to hear right away. I can still hear them perfectly well if I need to, but I don't need to hear all the "don't push" "shut up" "give it me" "I was here first" "That's my chair" "don't!" "stop it!" "muuuuuuuuuum I wanted that first" "why can't I have one" "everyone else's mum said yes"
Alright, you get the idea. And you don't need to hear all of that on your anxiety night!

And once I've got them all to bed I go and take a nice hot shower.

And breathe.

And then go to bed...

and remember, I'm new to all this, so if you have some great suggestions of what works for you I'd love you to share! Thanks :)

my armour

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The new therapist, J, asked me if I would like to do some writing activities to help me get my thoughts out - which I thought was probably a good starting point given my general reluctance to talk too much during sessions. So when we last met J brought along some writing prompts, one of which was to do with discussing how I use armour to protect myself in daily life - how this helps and how this restricts me.

At first I interpreted this to mean how does ED act as my armour - which I thought was interesting since I had never thought of ED as protecting me. But try as I might I couldn't make this model fit. The best I could come up with was 'tissue paper' armour that dissolved at the first sign of rain.

In actuality ED is more that frenemy we all had in high school that would talk us into doing something stupid or dangerous and promise they'd be 'right behind you'. But of course as soon as there was trouble they were not there to back you up.

But as I re-read the writing prompt it didn't actually mention ED at all. It simply says talk about 'your armour'. Which is really more the front I put on for others. Which I definitely do - all the time. K (the old therapist) once commented that I had turned 'fake it 'till you make it' into some sort of olympic sport. But I suspect I'm not the only one who does this??

So who am I protecting with all this armour? Me? My reputation? My kids? My husband? Take your pick. ED will tell me that all of these are in terrible danger if the truth were to get out. I think my biggest fears would be losing my job and my kids getting bullied for having a 'mental mum'.


But I'm starting to let go of this. Firstly I think there are worse things in life that your mum having an eating disorder. And since I'm planning on beating this thing I hope I will raise them to be proud of me. And secondly I'm not really sure I care if I lose my job. Yes I love love love my job - but if anyone thinks I'm any different once they know about my eating disorder than I was 10 secs before they knew, well I'm not sure I want to know them.

But I guess my armour does restrict me. It stops me from finding out who my true friends really are for a start. And that is something I have decided needs to go pretty high on my list of priorities. I am not going to bother socialising with anyone who doesn't support me (in any sense of that word). Life is too short for fair-weather friends.

Have you ever thought about your armour? Does it really protect you? 

Do you think you will always wear it?

those damn scales again

I’ve been pushing my dietician to find out my weight from my gp. I know my gp won’t tell me and I thought I would have a better chance of getting this information out of M, so that’s where I’ve been focusing my efforts. But truthfully I think deep down I didn’t expect her to tell me. So although she didn’t tell me the numbers, I was still very caught off guard on thurs night when she told me the trend of my weight over the last three or four months. Basically it went up slightly originally and has then been stable for the last two months.

Right.

How do I feel about this?

How about, completely confused.

M did spend quite a long time explaining what would have caused the initial weight gain. Firstly all starved people are dehydrated, even if they are drinking. And since 1L of water weighs 1kg, fluid alone will account for quite a large percentage of that initial increase. Then there’s the GI tract. Initially, of course this would have been pretty empty, but now that I am eating again normal changes here will add to the numbers on the scale. And neither of these factors will affect how ‘big’ I am. Just the number on the scale.

Okay. So I’m a scientific thinker. This all sounds reasonable to me, doesn’t it? Well, no. It must be wrong. I have always questioned Dr C’s scales anyway – they are so imprecise. So her scales must be wrong.

But is that me thinking that, or ED?

Like I said completely confused.

It’s not that I don’t trust Dr C or M, or that I think they are lying to me. It’s just that I think they must be mistaken. My weight simply could not be stable.

So I weighed myself.

And to say that I’m more confused now would be a gross understatement. My weight is where they said it was. It hasn’t increased that much. In fact I am okay about it.

But I’m not oblivious to how dangerous that decision was. What if they had been wrong? What if my weight had gone up more than I expected? What would I have done?

Don’t get me wrong – I’m fine. In fact I’m really pretty good. But that in itself concerns me as I think I’ve let those damn scales determine my mood again. Arrgghhh, so confused…

ED is getting petulant

this is how I'm going to see my ED from now on!!

I've had a couple of quite big challenges over the last few days - challenges that have left me in tears, and which have had me seriously reconsidering where I am going and whether I like who I am becoming. And all of which I have managed to get through with a reasonable amount of dignity still intact (huge improvement on some serious hissys I've had recently!).

And I've noticed that I've started to become able to separate my thoughts from my actions. My mind is still yelling abuse and telling me what to do (and the consequences if I don't), but my body is on auto-pilot.

Sure ED is telling me not to eat, and how if I just know what I weigh I'll be able to get everything 'back on track' (ED's track you understand).
But my body still goes and makes the meal and eats the meal, and then sits down after - no matter how much my brain says 'go running now'.

ED is saying all the same things, but it's tone of voice is different. It's much quieter, yes. But it's also petulant. And that's quite funny. It's a scowling, arms-crossed, huffy little sook. With it's bottom lip stuck out telling me 'if you eat that I'll scream!'

So? Go ahead and scream you little brat! I couldn't care less.

Hellooo?? I'm the one in charge! Remember?!

how big am I anyway?

I don't think I've had a problem with my body image in the past. Even over the last couple of years as my anorexia returned I always knew I was thin (obviously not so much when pregnant or postnatal!!). Sometimes I didn't feel thin, but if I looked in the mirror I could remember my true size. I never saw a different size to the one I was.

But now...

Now that I'm trying so hard to stick to my meal plan and not exercise; I'm suddenly enormous. My arms, my thighs, my chest, my tummy. All bloated and flabby and just, well, fat. Really fat. I feel like a rapidly inflating balloon. I'm so uncomfortable I can't stand it.

But (with the notable exception of that pair of jeans) just about all my clothes still fit me. So what gives?

I'm sure I'm a hippo. But how can I be?

ED really is a tricky bastard.


thankfully after I wrote this earlier this evening I went back to a recent post a had read on Laura's Soap Box regarding goal weight where I found she had responded to my query about ED thinking getting worse with weight restoration. To my relief Laura validated my fears - so I'm feeling much better about my distress - although I still wish it would go away!!!!

PJ's spectacular slipathon continues...

Am trying really hard to get over this slip.

I'm not as desperately frightened as I have been in the past though. Which is either because ED is shielding me from the real danger, or because I know how to do this. It's the latter that I think really applies in this case. Even Dr C reminded me this morning that I've done this before. Sure, I've gone down this path, but I've been strong enough to pull myself out.

So I will.

And I'm comforted that I've have a lot more tools in my recovery tool box this time too:
Like support. So much support on which to draw. Just today my brother has emailed me, my PT has phoned me, and several friends have emailed, tweeted and DMd. And all this has happened because I reached out and asked for some support.

I also have Hope. I know I can do this. I know I really want to do this. And I didn't know either of those things even two months ago. But now a slip is not such a scary monster - even though I would rather never have one again.

I have insight. I know that I used this slip. I used it to get through a difficult appointment today which was causing me a lot of anxiety. And although it may have gotten me through, I need to stop doing that. I need to find a better way of dealing with stress that is not harmful to my health. I also know that if I don't eat then things go to hell in a hatbox very quickly. Not eating does not make me stronger, braver and able to think more clearly. It makes me a flippin' basket case.

Slipping and being imperfect is okay. My friend Poppy recently confided in me that she has an eating disorder. So I did what any friend a year further down the recovery track would do - reassured her that recovery was worth the effort. That there is a light at the end of the tunnel and things really do get better - even if she can't see that yet and might not see it for a while. So I worried that by venting I would frighten her and put her off trying. But I think the opposite is true. By showing her the truth - that everyone slips - I'm not only letting her in on the reality of her path, but also showing her that slips are not the end of the path. A slip is not the same as failure. Slips are just another chance to learn and get stronger.

I also made a big decision today which I am feeling okay about. I went back to see K and talked with her about why I was upset (you know, once I unfolded myself and stopped crying long enough to breathe).
And after I left I decided I would not go back.
K is extremely kind and patient, but it just doesn't seem to be a good fit - or perhaps it's just me? I don't know I've never done this before (I'm so not a talky-talky person). But I won't know unless I give someone else a try. And when I first met D she recommended the name of a therapist, so I think I'll start there.

Even after a year of trying, today feels like a new begining.

do you weigh yourself?

I don't.

And I think I can say this with some degree of certainty now after 8 weeks. Plus I even managed to stop the nurse who was weighing me for my recent ECG from telling me my weight or writing it where I could see it (even though she had *no idea* what I was on about and I could so easily have cheated).

But I still really want to.

I liken it to a smoker who knows they have to give up smoking for their health but still really wants to do it. Ask in them in 6 months (or even 6 years) if they would like to take it up again and I bet 9 out of 10 times the answer is 'yes' - but they don't do it because they know it's not good for them.

So I'm not expecting to be happy about it. I just know I shouldn't.

Mostly because it is not the great stress reliever I thought it was. I thought it was helping me to relax because I knew what I weighed, so I was either 'good' or 'bad' (in which case I needed to 'work harder').

hmmmm

But now that I've stopped I can see that there are far less consequences to everything, which is helpful:

• I am able to eat without worrying what the scales will say
• I can stop exercising without worrying what the scales will say
• I can sleep through the night without having to get up just to check what the scales say

And without the scales having so much to say all the time, there's far more chance for me to hear what I have to say:

• I say I need to eat because my body cannot sustain starvation
• I say I need to eat because I need my mind to function properly
• I say I need to stop exercising at the moment to allow my heart to heal.
• I say I am in charge - not the scales and not ED.

After all, my life is worth more than a number on the scales. I am important in the lives of others and that gives me value which cannot be measured. So even though my jeans didn't fit this morning, and even though I have cried far too much over this fact, I will still not be weighing myself. Will you?

a little too personal

I'm really on a roll at the moment. I reeeeeeally want recovery - now!

So I found some courage over the weekend and asked the advice of someone I trust. I wanted her opinion on how to get my recovery moving faster.

And the answer I got was not what I was expecting at all.

I've met some wonderful people online just recently - people who know so much more than me; people who have seen it all; and people who have lived through it all. And the wonderful woman I chose to pose this question to is from the 'people who have lived through it all' camp. So I not only trust her, but she is one of the few people I *can't* say to "but you just don't understand".

So when I got the response, I was competely taken aback - but knew there must have been a very good reason for it. And when I asked her - telling her that I found the response upsetting because it was so personal - her reply was:  

yes - that's the only way to deal with this - to meet the challenge "head on".

So I crawled under the coffee table and waited for the world to swallow me up.

But you know what? 

I can do some really good thinking under there when I need to. After all, like I said, she *really* understands what I'm going through - so I knew that she was right, I just needed to understand why she was right.

But I worked it out...

Nothing must be allowed to stand in the way of my recovery.
Nothing must be used as an excuse.
Nothing is too uncomfortable, too time consuming, too embarrassing or too childish.
No excuses are acceptable.
Do what needs to be done and that's the bottom line.
I must not minimise this illness just because it makes me feel incompetent - that is ED at work.
That is ED's MO.
That is how ED is trying to beat me.

and I won't let that happen.

'helpful' websites should know better!

am I the only one who has ever found some of the information on 'help' websites triggering? 'Cos I found a real doozy tonight...

I should have known from the outset that I was in the wrong place.

Pictures of women's midriffs adorning the home page -- should have closed the window. The one in particular along with the caption 'eating disorders' -- that flat, flat (she's never had three enormous babies) tummy and prominent hip bones -- should have closed the window.

Why did I read on?

Why, because it told me it was a 'caring' space. Pro-recovery. And I had been sent there following a tweet which promised "resources for adult eating disorders". All I want at the moment is someone to give me some guidance on how to maintain my motivation and stick to my eating plan. So I stupidly went on until I found the section entitled 'mid-life anorexia'. Ah, I think, this is where I'll find some answers.

All I found was a majorly condescending fluff piece article about one woman's experience. Not only does it actually go as far as to validate everything that ED has been telling me about how pathetic and shallow I am to have an eating disorder at my age -- but it then follows this up by talking about her current weight.

quick PJ...off to google lbs to kg conversion.
but wait, my weight must be creeping up to that now -- so if she's in recovery, then I'm overweight! crap.

reading this site was supposed to be helpful! Why didn't I close the window?

I can't tell you how much I wish I hadn't read this. Stupid stupid mistake -- and they should know better. Really really ticked off with this website. Really hurt and betrayed.

Careful what you read people. Not everyone is as careful and understanding and knowledgeable as they think they are.

Jerks.

there's nothing wrong with me

I'm fine, there's nothing wrong with me, I can cancel all my appointments now.

One day this will be true. But it's not today. ED is such a liar!

Time to go back and read my warning signs list again...

something I'm proud of

having a bit of a wobbly moment...so am trying to focus on all the positive steps I have taken, and remind myself that my ED is scared of me - which is why it is trying so hard to rob me of my confidence and derail me at this moment.

So here's something I'm really proud of (time for a humble brag!!)

yep, see that gap there between the hamper and the loo?

That's where my scales used to be :-)

I'm proud of that gap everytime I see it.

(oh, and it will be 3 weeks tomorrow since I've weighed myself)

Today might not be a good day, but it's another day closer to recovery...

a good day

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Had a really great talk this morning with a very lovely lady (D). And D just happens to be fully recovered. She is the recovery support officer at a local ED association and is the first person I ever talked to face-to-face who has had an eating disorder (you know, to my knowledge). It was such a productive chat - I even managed to talk a little as well.

So many many things came up - so I'm just going to write them all here in no particular order (although, I do like the first one best!!):


1. I'm going to recover - I have it in me :)

2. Recovery is like climbing a mountain. You just keep going up, even when you slip and have to get up again. And I'm not going to be satisfied with just going most of the way to the top. I want to finish the climb.

3. I 'forget' to take my vitamins, iron supplements, and I won't drink juice or eat meat because I don't think I deserve to feel better (am aware of this one now!!!)

4. I am not alone in thinking that I can somehow protect my family from harm by depriving myself - but that it is not true.

5. My most immediate need is to eat.

6. When I manipulate my treatment team it is not me doing it but my ED - I'm a nice person, my ED is not.

7. My ED put a condition on me returning to a healthy weight to have my babies - "yes you can gain weight, but only if you come back when it's over." And so I did because the ED told me to. I need to stop listening to it.

8. My ED got worse after I first admitted to having a problem because it is scared of me :)

9. Needing help and asking for help does not make me whiney, needy and pathetic.

10. I can call on her anytime I need help :)

I really like D. I related so well to her - I think we are very similar in so many ways, except that I have *such* a long way to go...sigh...

are you sitting comfortably?

yes? well then, let's begin...

Since this is the first post I should probably start at the beginning – especially now that I know when that was (so bear with me – I don’t usually talk this much!). About 20 years ago, after a family holiday I decided that everything would be so much better - I would be a happier, smarter, more confident and more popular person - if I lost weight (you know, a *lot* of weight).

I weighed 57kg* at the time.

Fast forward 20 years. I now present at my mothercraft nurse appointment with my third bub in tow. She has known me for 8 years, takes one look at me in my clothes I bought from the kids section of my local Target, and wants to know what has been going on. I calmly explain that everything is okay. I’m only doing this because it makes noise in my head and stops me worrying about all the bad things that might happen to my baby while she is so small and vulnerable. Mothercraft nurse is not happy. ‘No’ she says, ‘I’d like you to go and see your gp’…

So I do. This is so silly. So I explain to my gp that I only restrict what I eat and compulsively exercise because it helps me to control what I think about. It makes perfect sense. I don’t want to think about all the bad things that might happen to my baby, so I fill the silence with thoughts that I control. ‘No’ she says, ‘You have an eating disorder.’

Blimey, what was that noise? Oh right, that was just the rug being pulled out from under me.

ED: she’s wrong anyway. You don’t have an eating disorder. What a load of rubbish. You’re just really clever and you’re doing this for a really good reason.

PJ: but what if this is what’s been going on for the last 20 years.

ED: it doesn’t matter, it’s working so well.

PJ: but back in my teens and early twenties I got so thin I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning. I had heart palpitations and would cry all the time. What if that happens again?

ED: it won’t. You’re in control this time. You know why you’re doing it and it is important. And besides, there’s nothing wrong with you anyway. And you need me…

PJ: yep, you’re right, I can’t let the gp take you away from me. I need you. You fix everything.

ED: yay!!!!

Okay that little conversation happened last July. I’ve now had two half-hearted stabs at recovery, each time knowing that I didn’t really want it, mostly because I really didn't believe I needed it; and all the while just hoping that somewhere along the line something would click and I’d realise Dr C (my lovely gp) was right. Because she is lovely and she really knows what she’s talking about. And I really like her, even though most of the time I really hate her.

But a recent relapse has shown me just how real this all is, and just how dangerous it can be...
 
So now it’s try #3. Only this time it’s different. This time I have support. Mr PJ knows now. Dr C is on my side. I also now have a counsellor (K) and a dietician (M). And just yesterday I made contact with a support officer at a local ED association. I’ve also been steadily arming myself with information from a number of fantastic blogs (like this one, this one, this one and this one).

I’ve also found that now that this thing in my head has a name I have soooo much to say about it. Hence this new blog. I’m probably going to blather on quite a bit. And I’ll probably whinge and complain. But hopefully I’ll have some insights along the way. And I’d really love you to share your insights with me – especially if you, like me, are a *teensy* bit older than the average. But having said that I know for a fact that there are a lot of hugely insightful people out there who are far younger than me – so all helpful comments will be gratefully appreciated**

Because this time I’m going to recover. Come hell, high water and relapses, I’m going to fix this mess…watch me!

*this will be the only time I mention an actual weight. I mention it here to underline my belief that eating disorders are largely genetic in nature. No amount of exposure to glossy mags  and barbie dolls could make a slim and fit 17 year old believe that every aspect of her world would be better and more under control if she was thinner.

** bear in mind this is *my* blog and I will edit and rewrite all unhelpful comments (especially anonymous ones) until they amuse me!