Thursday, 12 July 2012

I've lost my restriction mojo

pooped puppy from here

I'm exhausted this evening. Exhausted and emotional - but also very hopeful. A real, new glimmer of hope appeared today.

I had a session with M, my dietician this afternoon. And somewhere amid my sobbing over my regrets and my guilt, we actually managed to find some meeting point. I managed to let my guard down for just long enough to question her on something.

She commented that it didn't seem like I was able to restrict at the moment.

Cue my ED response - I'm just not trying hard enough, I'm a fat pathetic loser because I'm not strong enough to do it. I'll have to try harder, I'll get it back.

Cue my courage - I asked her what it said about me if I can't restrict at the moment.

Her exact answer has been lost in my memory through the haze of competing thoughts and voices, but the gist of it was that not being able to restrict is something to be proud of not ashamed of. If shows that my will to live is stronger than my will to starve myself to death.

That it is the sign of a healthy mind.

I really liked hearing this. Really, really :-)

In a funny way I'm shocked that I was even able to ask her the question in the first place. I was so sure  what her answer would be (that I'm not strong/brave/good enough anymore) that asking felt like setting myself up to be judged. But I'm so glad I asked. Because I was wrong. ED was wrong.

So what am going to do with my new healthy mind? We've pinpointed the one time of the day when I have no routine or structure for eating - lunchtime. It is my most often skipped meal these days now that I am regularly eating dinner with my children. But lunch - I wouldn't even know where to start. Which is risky. We talked about impulse eating if I get too hungry, and also about the desire to not eat if I skip a meal - neither of which are good outcomes.

So without setting myself 'rules' I'm going to work at eating 3 meals and 3 snacks which also fulfill the recommended servings each day. And for the first time I actually want to do this. I really feel like being healthy is something I want.

Yeah, yeah ED, that's not the same thing as being fat. Shut up ED.


Rosie Molinary said...

Loved reading about this development, PJ. SO glad you asked, too. xoxoxo

L said...

Love this, PJ! So, so awesome! I'm proud of your courage to push away the ED voice and ask that question, it's definitely provided the enlightenment it seems you needed to kick some ED arse!

Unknown said...

Awesome PJ!!!!!!!

C-Girl said...

not only choosing to live, but choosing to enjoy and feel living. you are so beautifully tapping into owning a whole new mojo. I smiled reading this, I am feeling the same at the moment…. I just want to be healthy and all of this to be behind me. to get on with life. and that's, that :)

Anonymous said...

This is such a turning point- to get to the place where your will to live and thrive is stronger than the ED voice. Go for the gold!!

M said...

Three cheers for PJ ... Hope the yum cha was great. xM

Anonymous said...

I know you posted forever ago, but I think it is so great! I am so happy for you :)

Donna said...

Great...great post as per usual PJ..I so relate to this, as I am in the exact situation (age bracket..inability to "rekindle" my restriction "mojo"..) and have been putting off cancelling my scheduled ED team appointment this Friday...Why??..Because of what you have stated so eloquently just here...Perhaps the will to live is finally overtaking the will to keep listening to Ed...Sign of a healthy..or wanting to be healthy mind? Hope so! I'm going to actually keep the Friday appointment with my team...who I have been avoiding for months now..

Also...I find that your posts/writing positively nourishes my soul..and for some reason I had not been receiving your posts..Could you verify if I am still "logged in" as confirmed follower of your blog?...Thanks for all you share....Big fan.