how big am I anyway?

I don't think I've had a problem with my body image in the past. Even over the last couple of years as my anorexia returned I always knew I was thin (obviously not so much when pregnant or postnatal!!). Sometimes I didn't feel thin, but if I looked in the mirror I could remember my true size. I never saw a different size to the one I was.

But now...

Now that I'm trying so hard to stick to my meal plan and not exercise; I'm suddenly enormous. My arms, my thighs, my chest, my tummy. All bloated and flabby and just, well, fat. Really fat. I feel like a rapidly inflating balloon. I'm so uncomfortable I can't stand it.

But (with the notable exception of that pair of jeans) just about all my clothes still fit me. So what gives?

I'm sure I'm a hippo. But how can I be?

ED really is a tricky bastard.


thankfully after I wrote this earlier this evening I went back to a recent post a had read on Laura's Soap Box regarding goal weight where I found she had responded to my query about ED thinking getting worse with weight restoration. To my relief Laura validated my fears - so I'm feeling much better about my distress - although I still wish it would go away!!!!

so that's what's wrong with yoga...

...and pilates for that matter.

It's me.

Probably knew that already - but couldn't put my finger on what it was exactly that was bothering me. I'm embarrassed. I feel as though I'm being punished. Like this type of exercise is beneath my standards and ability - like I've been sent back to remedial exercise class for being naughty.

So it's a matter of perspective.

This revelation came to me today while I was doing a pilate class (my 2nd). So I tried really hard to change around my thinking, and come up with the positives.

1. this is my reward not my punishment. Dr C suggesting that I try yoga (or pilates) is my reward for working towards being medically stable. She did not threaten me with a hospital admission (punishment) she suggested a safe type of exercise (reward).

2. I can still work on muscle strength like I would in any cardio class, just without putting my heart under stress. So basically it's the same muscle workout but without the danger.

3. It gives me chance to try something new. It might not end up being my favourite thing - but who knows if I don't try. One of my main goals in recovery is to break this paralysing need I have for endless routine. And this is how I do that; by stepping out of my comfort zone and challenging those routines.

4. If I want it to be (and I stop sulking) the class can still be challenging. There is plenty of room for improvement in my core strength - and this will help when I return to my preferred exercise types.

5. I'm being social. Most of my exercise routines (and ED routines) rely on solitude and secrecy. And this breaks that. I'm in a group (albeit an unfamilar group) and I can use this to my advantage if I choose to.

I have also done quite a bit of reading about the science behind yoga and the effect it has on brain wave patterns - so I'm less anxious now about giving it a go, and even asked a friend this morning if she would like to do a class with me

...still, if that's what it takes to get me there, I guess I'll have to let someone to hold my hand :)

Yoga? is she serious??

Weigh-in day today. 

Dr C gave me 'permission' to continue walking and do (...wait for it...) Yoga!!

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Is she serious??

I have no doubt I will be kicked out for giggling within minutes of being asked to 'ommmm' - it's not going to work!!

But heck, I'll try anything once (but does it have to be Yoga?) - sigh...

Anyway, Dr C didn't give me 'the face' today, which can only mean I've put on weight.

Hmmm.

But we did have a chat about what needs to happen before I can start exercising safely again. She thinks I should be medically stable again within about a month, but that it takes a lot longer to build up muscles than it takes to break them down - so for the sake of my weakened heart (and general body condition) I must not do any running.

Which I do agree with.

She would also like me to consider why I so badly want to exercise. And if it is for stress relief (am I really that transparent) then to think about other (safer) ways to handle that in the meantime. She would like me to only return to exercise when it is for fun and fitness - not for stress relief and weight loss.

I spy another shift in perspective being required. It's just this one has been with me for so long, I don't quite know how to change it...