brave enough

Bravery - that's the self-discovery word by word series word for this month.

Couldn't we have an easy one like failure, uselessness or cowardice? I could write a tome on these. But bravery...I'm a bit lost on where to start with this one.

But I hate sooking - so before this rapidly descends into a 'pity party for PJ', maybe I should start with what I think bravery is...


Bravery is the name given to actions that display courage. And that to me is the crux of the word

Bravery requires action. 

This is where I find my block with this word. The reality is I'm not out there *doing*. I'm sitting at home hiding behind this pseudonym. I'm not taking any hits. I could just stop blogging, turn off my computer and pretend like none of this ever happened. That's hardly bravery in my eyes.

The really brave ones are the ones that come out in the face of stigma to raise awareness. Writers like June Alexander, Carrie Arnold, Dana Udall-Weiner, Lynn Haraldson, Kendra Sebelius, Margarita Tartakovsky, Arielle Bair, and so many many more...

I so admire them - and I wish I could be like them.

But I'm ashamed. And afraid.

Those who have spoken out and made the commitment to change their lives forever in order to change people's minds, they are truely brave. They have fought and won their battles and then candidly shared their stories so that I might learn.  And I am so grateful.

Without them I wouldn't know I am not alone.

But typing that last line has made me realise that this knowledge does so much more than relieve the shame; it gives me just a little bit of courage I didn't have before. In fact maybe it makes me just brave enough.

Okay, brave enough is not too bad! I can live with brave enough. After all, when I think about it, I've done quite a lot with brave enough:

asked my gp for help
gone to the dietician
gone to the councellor
told my husband I have an eating disorder
taken my husband to the gp with me
told some close friends I have an eating disorder
told my brother I have an eating disorder
stopped weighing myself!!
stopped exercising
admitted when I'm hungry and eaten 
learned to see slips coming and ask for help

I have my moments of bravery, fleeting though they might be (and often followed immediately by a stint of hiding under my favourite coffee table) - but it's enough to make a difference in my life. And maybe for now that's what I need to aim for.

Be brave enough to fix my life now.

So as much as I would love to stop hiding behind PJ, share with you my real name and fight the good fight to raise ED awareness (especially for those of us who are just a teensy bit older than average) - I can't yet. I'm just not ready.  

Bravery will just have to wait for another day - but it doesn't mean it will never happen.

And maybe brave enough will one day have knock-on effects that I can't possibly forsee today...I certainly hope so :)

...but first I have to be brave enough to press 'publish post'!!

the times they are a-changin'

Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'.

I recently gave my gp a list of my options as I saw them. What is to follow, wasn’t the list, but rather the thinking behind the list:

1. continue on doing what I want (restrict and over-exercise)

2. find a middle ground where I can continue on as I am but without doing myself as much harm

3. change what I am doing

this was the actual list of options:

1. die

2. exist

3. live

Pretty confronting. But it made my decision so much easier. And yet so much harder.

I chose ‘live’. But by doing so I also chose ‘change’.

So how to change? Am I afraid of change? Yes. But what if I reframe change and view it as challenge? Does that make it less intimidating? Well, I’m not afraid of any challenge – I have three children after all. I have three degrees and work two jobs. I welcome challenge as the daily excitement of living. I am constantly inspired by those who embody challenge; scientists, adventurers, astronauts, athletes, engineers, artists…

…no one ever wrote a song about how great it is to stay exactly the same.

So I have started where I feel most at home – education. By reading and listening and asking questions I have been equipping myself with as much knowledge as I can to formulate my plan. I like a plan.

So what have I learned so far?

Firstly that change will not happen without nutrition. No amount of introspection will compensate for starvation.

And secondly I will need help - this is a huge change for me. Never before in my life have I ever uttered the words “I can’t do this alone, I need your help”. But I do.

So, big deep breath…it’s time to embrace my change. I’m not promising I’m going to like it. But change happens regardless of how hard we try to stop it – and this is my chance to direct and drive that change…

 

…and my time to me is worth saving – and I’m a strong swimmer.


 
this post was inspired by medicinal marzipan and her word by word series