hiding...

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Ever have one of those times where random people out in the world just seem to feel an overwhelming urge to invade your personal space and tell you what they think?

Well I've been having one of those months. And quite frankly if I have to put up with any more judgement from friends, colleagues, healthcare providers and random strangers in restaurants I'm going to completely fall apart.

So I've gone into hiding.

I've cancelled my appointments, cancelled my personal trainer, even cancelled my house-cleaner. I've retreated. I can't win, so I'm waving the white flag.

But only for now.

I have a big social event coming up in a week and a half and I really really want to be in one coherent piece; so I'm not taking any risks. No one is going to get the chance to derail me.

So comments are off on this post. I will be limiting my email, twitter etc. All in the name of "just in case".

getting there, slowly...

Had a really good session w Dr C today. We talked about how much my insight has improved over the last 12 months - and I would definitely agree with this. 

My session with Dr C last week was difficult as I needed to go and tell her I was struggling again. 

I had all but dropped my bundle and was crying over every little thing - which is very unlike me. I know that I'm definitely one to hide my emotions at the best of times but crying randomly in public places was starting to do my head in quite frankly. I did stop short of fully disclosing the nature and intensity of my thoughts lately (some of which I discussed here) although I touched on it by saying I had been having some dark and scary moments.

Following last weeks session Dr C decided she wanted me to get some serious sleep and come back again this week. Which I did. I'm not sure I fully realised how much my lack of sleep was profoundly affecting me. I have really been able to get things back in perspective now that I'm not so devastatingly exhausted. I have been getting by on 2 or 3 hours of sleep a night for about a month now and I didn't even notice just how bad it had gotten.

Dr C told me today that she mostly just wanted to check up on me at this week's appointment, but she was already confident that I would be much better by this week as I had identified by myself that I was struggling and I had made the necessary appointments I needed. She knew I would be better by this week because even simply coming to see her showed I was pulling myself out of the slip. I had already made the decision not to continue on the way I was - but rather to seek the support I needed to get back on track and to then follow through in returning this week.

And I really do feel much better.

In fact today, for the first time ever, I realised just how grateful I am to Dr C. I was able to sit and chat with her with an open, calm mind. And I really do owe that to her for pushing me so hard right from that first day. And I have that same feeling I had back in December of being recovered. That same feeling that I can hardly believe the last two and half years ever happened.

But this evening I saw myself in the mirror and once again saw my 'chubby' face - and I remembered that this isn't quite over yet. I am still a work in progress :)


published by http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com

the power of positive thinking

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“Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.”

- Mahatma Gandhi

“You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.”
- Christopher Columbus

 

“So many of our dreams at first seems impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable.”
- Christopher Reeve

“You must be the change you want to see in the world.”
- Mahatma Gandhi 

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life’s about creating yourself.”
- George Bernard Shaw  

I love to read the inspirational quotes on twitter. And so many of them seem to suggest that success is for the most part the simple and whole hearted knowledge that if you believe you can succeed, then you will be successful.

Or as I like to put it: Fake it till you make it.

So this is what I have decided to do. I'm going to put all my energy into just being 'recovered'. No more being 'in recovery'. I am recovered. Surely if I work under this assumption then I can make it happen.

The endless half-life of 'recovery' feels too much like marking time. I want to feel normal. I'm tired of feeling like a child who's trying to join in the conversation with the grown-ups.

So, no more.

No more waiting for something to change. No more endless appointments. No more going around in circles. I am making a change. I am going to stand on my own two feet and be the change.

Do you think it is possible?? Do you think positive thinking can be as powerful as all that? Do you think I'm inspired or insane? :)

Lazy Lexapro

pretty pills from here

As it turns out, a lot of my drive to talk/blog/write has been driven by my anxiety.

And I know this because it's disappeared a lot lately. An increase in my daily dose has had a marked effect on my 'need' to blog. And also my 'want' to blog.

I can't decided whether I can't be bothered. I'm too tired. I don't care. Or I just don't have as much to say.


Whatever the reason, the upshot is I have found it very difficult to even open my own blog - and nigh on impossible to read anyone else's. Which is very strange for me.

I'm hoping it is just a settling in period, and I'll adjust to the increase - because I really love to write. But not just to hear my own voice. And if I were to write at the moment that's what it would feel like. I want to write because I am fired up about something. Because there is something burning inside me that I have to share. I don't want to talk just to fill the silence.

So I guess this is a little explanation of where I have been lately. I'm still here, muddling along. With my good days and bad days and everything in between. I'm just not quite myself.

Not that I want to stop taking the meds. I'll take lazy over terrified and starving any day of the week...

my golden rule

PJ's Golden Rule: when in doubt ask yourself 

"do I want to do this for the rest of my life?"

I'm suddenly really scared of food again. I was doing quite well with my eating, I put on some weight, and then a little bit more, and then a little bit more, and then I got scared.

Somewhere along the line I seem to have apparently decided that to be 'safe' I need to be really 'careful' about what I eat. Yes, I still want to eat, but to stop myself from going overboard (whatever that may mean) I need to be really particular about how much I eat, when I eat it and then how much exercise I do. I've even been writing it down so I can keep track of it and make sure that I have what I think is enough but not any more - just to be on the safe side.

And I don't know about you, but that sounds distinctly like an eating disorder to me.

So even though I don't actually think I'm doing anything dangerous - I'm not restricting and I'm not over-exercising, and from the outside I probably look like I'm doing a really good job - but if I apply my golden rule, the answer would have to be "no"; this is not what I want to do for the rest of my life. This is only existing. This is not living. I'm trying much too hard to do everything 'right'. But I want to be free from even this level of stress and need to control what I eat.

So for the first time in about 10 weeks I'm going to see my dietician (M) to talk to her about this. My instinct is to tell her I'm so afraid of putting on weight she needs to give me a meal plan which I can follow and remove some of that worry - hand over the decision making to her and let her calculate exactly what I can eat to maintain my current weight and not put on any more.

But that's not the answer.

That's not what I want to do for the rest of my life either.

So what is the answer? I don't know. But I think telling M everything that I just wrote here would be a very good start...

careful, all this power might go to my head!

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I've been on Lexapro now for several months to help control my out-of-control anxiety. And I was told that I would know the Lexapro was working more in how I handle things than in how I actually feel. Well case in point would have to be lunch today.

And no, surprisingly *not* because of the food. But rather, because of the appallingly bad service.

Here in Melbourne there are lots of good cafes, so service this poor is relatively unheard of. And yet after waiting more than forty five minutes for our lunch (nothing complicated either mind you, just standard cafe fare) the kids were getting restless and I decided enough was enough.

I actually asked the waitress when our food would be ready.

Big deal I hear you scoff. Well for me it is. Normally I would shush the kids and remind them to have patience. But they were being really good, and the service was being really slow. Absolutely nothing seemed to be coming out of the kitchen.

So I was told ours was next.

Only it wasn't. It was second or third either.

I got up at this stage and went up to the counter and asked again. "Yep, it's next", they said.

Nope. Wrong. Not this time. I'd been told that answer ten minutes earlier. I very firmly told them they needed to check through their orders and find mine and double check it to make sure it was a) actually there, and b) actually next.

I returned to my seat, and lo and behold the meals arrived within 1 minute, with apologies from the manager, and 20% off the bill.

Now I obviously won't bother going back there again, but that's my choice. I'm not embarrassed by my forthrightness. I wasn't rude. I didn't even get nervous. It was poor service so I said so. Sounds easy...and it was.

I think I know the Lexapro is working. And it was kinda fun...shhhh :)


published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com

update on the plan

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After getting so upset at the gp's the other day I thought my 'when the sh*t hits the fan' plan would just take over. But it's not that easy. Something deep inside just couldn't let go of my bad feelings and thoughts. I went very quickly from 'that was a bad incident' to 'I'm a bad person' and it was seriously days before I could climb back on top of it.

Yes everything on my plan is great for averting an impending panic attack - especially one with no apparent reason. But is close to useless for helping me through the self-destructive feelings I go through after a confrontation. My plan helps with the anxiety feeling, but not with my out-of-control train-of-bad-thoughts.

So how to stop the train-of-bad-thoughts?

I don't really know is the honest truth.
Part of my ED voice wants me to feel bad because it helps trigger my ED behaviours. If I'm upset and feel bad about myself I don't eat as much. But this is not how I want to live.

I do not want to get to the end of my life and think "well at least I was miserable all the time because that kept me thin".

I think for now, if I really don't have the inner strength yet that I'm going to need in the long run, then I'm going to need to lean on my supports when I the train derails:
1. I need to talk to my hubby, and anyone and everyone on my Recovery Team list that I think can help me.
2. I really like my newly engraved bangle. I really think having this with me when I am out in the world on my own will be helpful. At a glance I see all the encouraging words really important people have said to me - and these words mean so much.
3. Eat. Nothing fuels my bad thoughts like starvation.
4. Play with my children. Their love and acceptance reminds me that I must never just give up.
5. Write. Being able to see just how fast my train-of-bad-thoughts is careening out of control is helpful. I can detach myself from these thoughts and look at them more objectively. Quite often I don't like what I see and it's enough to remind me of how I would rather be thinking and acting.

How do you stop your train-of-bad-thoughts when it's out of control??

published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com 

one of my unpublished posts

I seem to write a lot of posts that I don't publish - and this is one of them. I wrote it on wed, through a haze of tears. It was written without much thought - it's just how I was feeling. And as such I'm not sure it's all that fair to my dear sweet gp - which is one of the reasons I have been so hesitant to publish it. But I will, as I have a feeling it is going to have some ongoing repercussions for me (hopefully not all bad, hopefully I can learn from the experience)...

My self worth and self esteem are so tenuous. And although I am getting much stronger at believing in myself and my right to have opinions and my right to just be the true authentic me, it became very clear to me today that I still revert back to my previous coping strategies around Dr C.

When I went to see her this morning I was planning to tell her all about the fantastic week I have been having – but these appointments never go to plan do they. About three words into my appointment Dr C commented on how pale my toddler was looking: “She looks pale, really pale, well don’t *you* think she looks pale? Tell me what’s been going on?* Why is she so pale? Has she been sick? Is she eating? Is she sleeping? She looks really sick!”** I later told Dr C that I felt she had berated me – which she denied. Her words included: “over-reaction”, “overly-sensitive” and “need to pull yourself together a bit”.

Massively hurtful. So cue my pointless ‘shut-down’ response .

Her opinion of me matters to me more than anyone else’s. So I do accept that I over-reacted. But does everything always have to be all my fault? Surely her inability to even entertain the idea that perhaps she had bombarded me without giving me a chance to speak, contributed? Or again, is that just my interpretation and I’m at fault again? And then to make matters worse she kept banging on about being worried about my ‘mental health’. I just couldn’t make her believe that I was doing fine until I walked through her door. That perhaps it was the way she related to me that was the sole cause of me being upset. And that it is only because of how highly I regard her that resulted in my reaction. I really just felt like a naughty child. I felt small and pathetic and ashamed. And I felt like she thought I was negligent and a bad mother.

I know that this fear that people think I’m a bad mother is a common theme when I’m upset. I know that I feel this one more than any other insult even though it is only my interpretation of what has been said and not the actual words. No one has ever said it to me – I just live in fear that someone, like Dr C, will decide I’m unfit to be a mother and take my children away from me. I have nightmares about it. I feel sick just writing it.

So needless to say my ‘when the sh*t hits the fan’ plan is getting a workout today.

*this one was the worst – this one I heard as “why haven’t you been taking proper care of her?”
**my toddler has been unwell with a nasty cold. But I did take last week off work to care for her and I did take her to the dr to get her checked. She is now on the mend.

'when the sh*t hits the fan' plan

My homework from my therapist J this week was to work out a plan of action, you know, for when the sh*t hits the fan :) so that I will be prepared in advance and know what to do when I have another *bad* day...

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So here's my plan:

Breathe

I put the question of rapid destress techniques out to twitter the other day and got the great suggestion of breathe in for 5 and out for 7. Not only did this slow my breathing right down but it diverted my attention while I concentrated on counting. And this distraction was very helpful. I really did feel much better very quickly. (thank you Katie)

Remember

I have a list of single words that very special people have either said about me or said to me which have meant a lot to me:

love, loyal, trust, hope, deserve, stronger, awesome

I plan to get these words engraved in my bangle so I can carry them with me at all times and can then look at them when I need support and there's no one around to give it.

Face it

Sometimes I have a panic attack for absolutely no reason that I can think of. But sometimes, deep down, I do know the reason. My dear friend June Alexander says 'action not anxiety' and she is right. Sometimes no matter how hard it is if I can just face and deal with what is making me anxious then I can move past it. 

Listen

I love the song "I can see clearly now" - it has a great deal of meaning to me for where I am right now and for where I am trying to move forwards to. If I am stressing I like to listen to this (quite loudly) on my ipod. 

Talk

The last time I had a panic attack (only mild luckily) I explained to my husband what was going on. I have friends I can email when this is happening and that is helpful - but I had never told the person in the room what was going on. I had just smiled and tried to pretend it wasn't happening, often right up until the point that I just start screaming and throwing things. But this time I told him it is like that awful adrenalin feeling you get when you know you are about to get into terrible trouble for something you didn't do. And to make it worse, the last time this happened there was no reason for it - just hit me out of the blue.
Telling him really relieved me of so much of the pain I was in. I could feel the anxiety, but did not have to suffer it. It was shared, and that helped immensely. So 'talk about it' is definitely on my plan.

Get help

I'm usually not keen on having the kids 'taken off my hands' as this just feeds my feeling of 'everyone would be better off without me' - but I do like company when I'm feeling anxious and afraid. So letting my husband take over as primary carer for the afternoon but still including me in the fun, is what I find helpful. I don't want to be sidelined or left out, but I sometimes just want someone else to field the endless questions and whinging and arguments.

Wait

The feeling passes. I know it does. And I know that I haven't done anything wrong. I need to remind myself of this positive fact. I haven't done anything wrong. I'm not stupid and incompetent. If I have made a mistake, it's just a mistake. I can face it and deal with it, but it's not the end of the world. I am not to blame for everything. Everything is not always my fault.
This feeling will pass.

I would love to never have another *bad* day as long as I live, but I suppose that's just too much to ask for - so hopefully I am prepared to get through the inevitable when next it hits me from out of the blue.

parenting through an anxiety attack

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A lot of my ED habits are an attempt to keep my anxiety under control. And for me this is surprising, as I never knew I had a problem with anxiety before. Yes, my eating disorder has been that successful in keeping anxiety under control that I have only started having anxiety attacks this year, now that I am working to eliminate my ED.

So now that I know, I need to learn how to reduce the symptoms of the anxiety without resorting to my dangerous habits. Returning to ED habits will simply prolong my recovery, it will not cure the anxiety, so that's not an option.

So what is an option?

Well, being able to walk away from parenting, certainly isn't.  But so much of the information I have read on how to deal with anxiety attacks assumes that you are able to just disappear for a few hours to recover.

But 99% of the time I can't. There's still a house-full of small people who need to be fed, washed, dressed and driven around - and I have no family here to help me.

So here's what I find helpful.

1. stay away from the caffeine

I like coffee and tea, a lot. It is warm and comforting. But a really bad idea if my heart rate is already through the roof. So I switch to peppermint tea for the duration.

2. prioritise

What can I just skip it today? The swimming lessons? The supermarket? Am I ok with letting them just watch tv or play at the park for an hour instead of rushing around?
I like to work out what I have to do immediately and what can just be 'let go' this time.

3. break it down

If I'm having an anxiety attack I'm not myself.
Normally I'm a can-do-anything type person. In the middle of an attack everything is a struggle and completely overwhelming. But breaking down my evening and my tasks into 15 minute intervals is helpful for me.
eg: here's what my anxiety evening might look like in my head.
(Note, I'm going to 'let go' of reading to the kids and doing the dishes that night because nothing terrible will happen if I don't do those things.)

**Any time I have left over in each 15min block I can have to sit down and breathe. That is then my time as each task doesn't need to start until the next 15min block**
No rushing.

4. breathe

It's that simple. Slow deep, eyes shut, breathing. Slow everything down. No rushing.

5. block it out

If need be I will also put my ipod on quietly in my ears to block out a lot of the chatter that I don't need to hear right away. I can still hear them perfectly well if I need to, but I don't need to hear all the "don't push" "shut up" "give it me" "I was here first" "That's my chair" "don't!" "stop it!" "muuuuuuuuuum I wanted that first" "why can't I have one" "everyone else's mum said yes"
Alright, you get the idea. And you don't need to hear all of that on your anxiety night!

And once I've got them all to bed I go and take a nice hot shower.

And breathe.

And then go to bed...

and remember, I'm new to all this, so if you have some great suggestions of what works for you I'd love you to share! Thanks :)

thanks for the support

nothing quite like tea and a good chat :)

Dear Readers,

I had a post all lined up ready to go about how worthless I feel at the moment...

But I'm not going to publish it.

I have had time to reflect and breathe. And I've been back to talk to my gp again (twice in two days is never good!) but it has helped me make some big life-altering changes which I am still too scared to talk about here yet.

So instead of wallowing in self-pity - not a hobby I am comfortable with - I have re read the comments people have left for me here on my blog. And the support of people going through what I am going through as well as those who care and understand, have meant the world to me. I am so blessed to have discovered the power of blogging - both for communicating my feelings, and for the support it has given me.

So thank you to everyone who has talked to me; here, by email, on twitter and in real life.

It has made a enormous difference to my outlook and to my recovery.
Thank you
:)PJ

good advice from a wise friend

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The amazing, wonderful and all round divine Lori from Drop It and Eat came to my rescue (again!) this week; talking me out of wanting to weigh myself.

To see what wisdom she had for me check out her post:
Trust Yourself. Except When You Can't Be Trusted

Thank you Lori, so much :)

how big am I anyway?

I don't think I've had a problem with my body image in the past. Even over the last couple of years as my anorexia returned I always knew I was thin (obviously not so much when pregnant or postnatal!!). Sometimes I didn't feel thin, but if I looked in the mirror I could remember my true size. I never saw a different size to the one I was.

But now...

Now that I'm trying so hard to stick to my meal plan and not exercise; I'm suddenly enormous. My arms, my thighs, my chest, my tummy. All bloated and flabby and just, well, fat. Really fat. I feel like a rapidly inflating balloon. I'm so uncomfortable I can't stand it.

But (with the notable exception of that pair of jeans) just about all my clothes still fit me. So what gives?

I'm sure I'm a hippo. But how can I be?

ED really is a tricky bastard.


thankfully after I wrote this earlier this evening I went back to a recent post a had read on Laura's Soap Box regarding goal weight where I found she had responded to my query about ED thinking getting worse with weight restoration. To my relief Laura validated my fears - so I'm feeling much better about my distress - although I still wish it would go away!!!!

I screamed

My black and white thinking resurfaced this morning in a rather ugly way - but at least I'm starting to be able to catch myself thinking these thoughts. So there's hope I will be able to one day stop them in their tracks. But not today...

I could feel the panic rising. I've been so very tired lately and have let so many jobs around the house pile up. And pile up they have. And this morning it all became too much.

I was stupid and useless and pathetic and a complete failure because the clothes weren't put away. I was the most hopeless, lazy, stupid person ever because my house wasn't perfect. Everyone else can manage. Everyone else's houses and lives are perfect. I just couldn't get anything done. I couldn't find clothes for the children fast enough, and I couldn't get myself dressed early enough. I wanted to be ready to go first thing, and first thing was getting later and later...

Where was that perfect uncomplaining wife I planned to be (yes my own parents are divorced). Get the children ready, have everything perfect, don't bother anyone with mundane complaints about my unimportant day, be perfect and happy all the time and everything will be fine.

But everything's changing. I don't know who to be anymore. How can I be the perfect wife if I'm fat and useless?The only thing I'm any good at is exercising, and I'm not allowed to do that!!

I hated myself and I screamed.

Sadly all this did was make my baby cry and worry my husband - who was not rushing me or pressuring me in anyway - that was me projecting (I know that, and I'm so sorry).

But I stopped. It didn't go on for more than a minute or so, and although it took me while to recover from the resultant headache, I could see what happened. I could also see that I had about 30 minutes of warning signs before hand where I could have prevented it. I could have said I was feeling pressured and stressed. Could we slow down? Could he help me? (yes, he did ask and 'PJ the perfect matyr' said "no").
But was it even triggered by the events of this morning? Or was it coming on since yesterday? Was it because I restricted yesterday because I was 'busy' at work? Or was it the pasta I had at dinner? Or was it the post I read about someone discovering she likes to run - which made me feel so sad about not being able to. Any of this could have been the 'reason', and any of this I could have shared with Mr PJ.

But I didn't, so I had the panic attack instead.

However, it was at least a really short one. And no I'm not all those awful things I said. And I'm going to be that acrobat I like so much from Lori's metaphor. Yes I fumbled, yes I slipped. But I'm going to pick myself up quickly and move on without too much fuss. Because the sooner you stop wallowing and start doing again, the better.

So on with my day :)

something I'm proud of

having a bit of a wobbly moment...so am trying to focus on all the positive steps I have taken, and remind myself that my ED is scared of me - which is why it is trying so hard to rob me of my confidence and derail me at this moment.

So here's something I'm really proud of (time for a humble brag!!)

yep, see that gap there between the hamper and the loo?

That's where my scales used to be :-)

I'm proud of that gap everytime I see it.

(oh, and it will be 3 weeks tomorrow since I've weighed myself)

Today might not be a good day, but it's another day closer to recovery...

nervous nelly

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Had my weigh-in with the gp this morning…

It went well in that I got onto the scales. However I was hoping to be given ‘permission’ to go running again. But unfortunately (as apparently happens at this stage in recovery) my weight had dropped off a little – so she said “no” (and she gave me ‘the face’ when I asked her too).

So there goes plan A on stress relief.

I am conscious that my anxiety levels are over the top at the moment. It’s quite surreal to be sitting on the floor reading Mem Fox books to your toddler with part of your brain, while the rest of your brain is worrying that your heart could quite literally explode if it doesn’t stop beating so hard. The anxiety has been quite relentless. K says it is to be expected as I have so suddenly cut off all my other means of stress-management (hello ED…I’m talking about you!), and now I need to find other ways of diffusing…you know, before the panic attack takes hold (preferably).

So I've been  re-reading this post, which has a whole list of great tips. I’ve also been listening to Yo-Yo Ma very loudly on my ipod whenever I get the chance. And naturally Carrie (edbites) has wisdom on this topic too (see this post).

But at the end of the day, I know part of my problem is returning to work on Friday. I think until I’ve met that challenge I won’t be able to relax…

relapse and choice

Those who know me know that I have just had one of the worst relapses ever. It came off the back of a problem at work and resulted in me very nearly requiring a hospital admission (you know, *not* the voluntary kind). Once I managed to pick myself up and resume eating, however, I decided to add some more tools to my recovery tool-kit. I read a book last week called A Girl Called Tim by June Alexander – I read a review here a little while ago, and since June’s a fellow Melbournian I thought I would have a lookie.

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*Really* interesting read. At first I was worried – she makes constant reference to weights, something I know I find triggering. But to be truthful it didn’t affect me the way I expected. So relentless was her obsession with her weight – she hung so much on the numbers (her happiness, her success, literally everything hung on achieving a particular weight) that it had the opposite effect on me. I could actually see the futility in her constant weighing and obsessing. Me! Seeing logic? Hallelujah! 

So thank you June for a terrific, honest, frightening and cautionary story.

But thank you more because by sharing your story you have provided me with the motivation to make a choice I never thought I could. I have not weighed myself since last Friday. At all.

That’s 8 days

And I was a get-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-to-weigh-myself kinda gal. Yes I find it terrifying – I described it to my gp the other day as ‘worrying that there was something terribly wrong with me but not being able to check’. But I’m hoping that by simply not weighing myself day after day after day it will become more habit and less forced.

Not sure I really trust myself long-term though, I think I might have to chuck out the scales completely, just to be on the safe side!