"you make me look normal"

this was said to me recently by a friend - so straight away I was laughing -no offence taken.

but she was serious. "no really, you make me look normal"

she went on to explain what she meant - not that I was so nuts that by comparison she appeared far less nuts :-) but rather that to her I was normal. She doesn't see me as nuts, but we share so many things, so many habits and thoughts and worries, that by extension my normality gave her a sense of normality.

I really loved hearing this.

If any of you out there reading my blog think that I am normal and you are nuts, just remember I am every bit as nuts as you, and therefore you are every bit as normal as me.

And to those of you kind enough to be concerned about me after my last post, I'm no more or less nuts that I have been in the past, I'm just saying it out loud a little bit now instead of always bottling it up - so that's really quite a good thing - but thank you xx

*normal pic from here

ever feel like no-one understands *YOU*?

Well, soon there will be a book for you to give to your family, friends and anyone else you think could do with a bit of translation-education.

Bloggers and eating disorder survivors Cate Sangster and June Alexander are currently working on a book to breakdown the language barrier that often exists between ED fighters and their family and friends. This can range from simple comments like "you look well" to seemingly downright thoughtless ones like "stop trying to get attention and just eat your dinner".

More often than not the family and friends of those affected by eating disorders have NO IDEA WHAT HAS HIT THEM - and really need a hand to get inside the mind of their loved one in order to avoid saying triggering and hurtful things.

This book will fill that need. It will help family and friends to understand the language of eating disorders - and therefore better understand how to help YOU on your journey to full recovery. And it will also help break down that stigma that you are doing this on purpose, or just to 'get them back' or to 'be difficult'.

SO HOW CAN YOU HELP?
Cate and June are looking for suggestions of experiences you have had where someone has said something to you and couldn't understand why you were upset by it. But also they would love suggestions from your family and friends as well. Get them to add their voices with suggestions of comments they have made where you have reacted unexpectedly so they can help fill in those blanks too.

And spread the word too. Cate has two buttons on her side bar (see below). Go grab the codes and put them on your blog. One button is to let people know about the book, the other is to let the world know that you have been a part of this valuable project too!!

NEXT STEP??

Go visit Cate's blog for the funny, and June's blog for the facts, including the email address of where to send your suggestions.

MAKE YOUR VOICE HEARD. THIS IS BOOK WILL HELP PEOPLE TO BETTER UNDERSTAND. 

To paraphrase Abraham Lincoln:

"I don't understand ED. I must get to know him better"

Mental Illness: Why do we need an umbrella term anyway?

This post has been prompted by a post from Laura's Soap Box on the term "brain disorder"

It's not a rant. Really it's not (I know it has been in the past) - but this time it's more just thinking aloud.

One of Laura's responses to a comment in defence of the term was that fear of the term should be unfounded as if we would referred to diabetes as a 'pancreatic disorder' we wouldn't automatically attribute the same concerns to that label as we do to 'brain disorder'.

But I don't see that argument as fair.

If you walked into any shopping mall and conducted a quick vox pop on "What does the term brain disorder (or the currently official umbrella term: mental illness) mean to you?" I guarantee you the answers would all follow the same line:
someone mental
someone crazy
someone who walks down the street talking to people who aren't there
someone psychotic
someone who snaps and kills their neighbours with a sharpened fork

...get the picture.

But my big question today is - why do we need this umbrella term at all? Why do eating disorder sufferers need to face the stigma of being associated with psychotic and dangerous people. Don't we have enough stigma being vain little sillys who just want to look good in our skinny jeans??

Lung cancer, emphysema and cystic fibrosis all severely affect the lungs. But we don't lump them all together as lung disorders. So why do we do this with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, schizophrenia, BPD, PTSD etc etc. They all have different presentations. Yes, I suffer from anxiety and an eating disorder. But it didn't kill me to say both those things separately - so saving time surely can't be the reason.

And if the reason is to better inform the public - that ain't working either!

Any way - just my thoughts - I would be very interested to hear your thoughts. Do you like the term? Do you, like me find that it is too fraught with stigma to be useful?

If I read one more tweet/blog that tells me I'm not "REAL" I'm going to scream!

I've got my ranty pants on today - and unlike the last time I blogged something to this effect I'm not going to let you make me feel bad about myself.

I've just read those damn words again:

"real women have curves"

But so many of you who say this also say you advocate "Size Acceptance" and "Health at Every Size"?

Interesting.

Now for those of you who just say you advocate for "Fat Acceptance" I don't mind this in the least. You are not implying that you speak for me. As a fat woman you have every right to push back against societal stereotypes and inequities - and you know what - I support you! I think society is very unfair, biased and down-right appalling in it's general treatment of fat people.

But I'm here (complete with ranty pants) to tell you that if you want to speak for "Heath at EVERY size" you sure better include MY size in that - as well as EVERYONE elses.

Because I exist.  

And what is it exactly that you think makes you a MORE real woman than me?

I'm a woman.

I have had three babies.

I have a loving husband and wonderful friends.

I laugh and love and cry and dream.

I am strong.

I have a career I love.

I am getting healthier every day.

I am not the size of my trousers any more than you are!

And don't you dare say that I am a fat-hater. At no point anywhere in my blog or in my life have I judged anyone by their size. You know nothing of my history or my experiences. So that won't ever be justification for how inferior you have tried to make me feel.

This issue has nothing to do with being fat or being skinny. It's about accepting people for who they are - regardless of size. That REAL WOMEN come in all shapes and sizes, and being skinny does not make you less, any more than being fat does.

So if you think it is offensive for someone to judge you based on your size, well guess what sister - that's exactly what you just did to me  - and I am offended. And you are a hypocrite.

Your words have power, and meaning, and they hurt.

And if you insist on telling me you are more real than I am I will call you on it. I have found my voice and I am not afraid to be me anymore.

I am not better than you. But I sure as hell am not any less real than you either.

10 things you *SHOULD* say to a mum with an eating disorder

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My "10 things *NOT* to say to a mum with an eating disorder" post the other was intended to help people wishing to support someone they love to avoid saying some of the biggest clangers I've been on the receiving end of.

But it was really only half of the story wasn't it? And when Rosie Molinary suggested I write the other half I simply responded "what a good idea". But it has been much harder to write than the first.

Because sometimes no matter what you say, it will seem like the wrong thing.

So here are some suggestions of comments I have found immensely helpful and encouraging. A lot of these would relate to any adult with an eating disorder, while some are specific to mothers. But just remember - everyone will react differently to things you say for a variety of different reasons. And often what you say will be misinterpreted by the person's eating disorder. I have seen the blank and puzzled look on my husband's face on more than one occasion as I've reacted completely unexpectedly to something he felt was innocuous.

So if your carefully considered comment doesn't goes as planned - don't despair and don't give up...ever!

1. I believe you - to be told this is so much more powerful than you can imagine. I was so sure my gp would laugh at me the first time I went to see her - and when she didn't I felt immediately like I could really trust her.

2. I don't know the right thing to say but I'm here for you - you can't fault honesty, and when your eating disorder is looking for any hint of trickery in someone's voice honesty is always the best policy.

3. I will stand by you through this - this again is one from my gp. She promised to be loyal to me no matter what. So I know no matter how badly I behave one week I can always go back the next and there is nothing to apologise for - ever.

4. You can recover - I did not know this. And even once people started telling me this it took me a long to believe it - so make sure you keep saying it, because it is true!

5. You can still be a good role model for your kids while you are recovering - I worried endlessly that I would only feel like I could be a good mother once I was recovered, but I can see that I am able to share the wonderful insights I am gaining (such as learning to put situations in perspective and positive self talk) with my children in an appropriate way. And this is what good parenting is all about. It's not about waiting until you are a perfect human being.

6. You will be a better, more aware mum now that you've identified you have an eating disorder - I am so conscious to be aware of personality traits my children display which are red-flags for me, such as catastrophising and being down on themselves - and I am now able to support them with the strategies I have learned.

7. What is your most immediate need? And how can I help/support you with this? - Usually I instinctively know what my most immediate need is; such as 'eating', 'going to see my gp', 'being hugged' etc. But not always. Sometimes I am so distressed I have no idea what to do next. But it is nice to be asked none the less.

8. You can trust me - one of my biggest fears has always been that the person I tell will tell someone else; that I will become the subject of a mother's coffee morning gossip session. I need to know that my privacy will be maintained (within reason of course, such as if my gp needs to know).

9. I will help you find the right person to talk to - so important in recovery is finding the right fit with a really good treatment team, and being supported in my decision to change a member of that team was helpful as I didn't really feel I was 'allowed' to. I lacked so much confidence, I needed encouragement - and my recovery has benefited from this decision.

10. I will come with you to your appointment if you want me to - this not only let me know that I was believed and supported, but also that I was worth the time out of their day to 'waste' sitting around in a drs office. They didn't have anywhere more important to be at that time. And that was huge!

And when all else fails hugs are nice. A hug is so helpful when you are feeling completely worthless. So don't hesitate to hug.

And lastly, did you know that support people can also ring helplines such as that offered by The Butterfly Foundation? So if you want some information, advice, or you just want someone nonjudgmental to talk to too you can ring them and they will listen.

Any more to add? What has been helpful for you to hear? Please share. Let's give support people a little bit of confidence to start the most important conversation they will ever have. 

published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com


also check out my flipside post: 10 things *NOT* to say to a mum with an eating disorder

10 things *NOT* to say to a mum with an eating disorder

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Over the past year or so I've had some great friends offer me wonderful advice and support. From people who have freely admitted they don't know anything about eating disorders but will listen anytime I need to talk, to people who have seen it all or lived through it all.

But every now and then I have encountered people, often through no fault of their own, who have said just the wrong things. Things that have set me back. Things that have confused me. And things that have hurt me more than I could ever tell you.

So here's my top ten list of things I have really hated having said to me (in no particular order). Don't get me wrong though - I still actually really appreciate the fact that they said something (mostly) - it is far worse when a friend or loved one suspects or knows you have an eating disorder and chooses not to say anything.


1. I wish I had your problem
Having an eating disorder does not just mean someone is really good at dieting. An eating disorder is not a diet gone wrong. You may wish you were slimmer - but would you wish to have autism or cancer? An eating disorder is an illness, it is not a quick fix to get into your bikini by summer, and nothing will minimise someone's very real pain and suffering faster than if you assume it is.


2. You should recover for your kids.
Now if you are a trained healthcare professional ready to support someone through the fallout of this statement feel free to disagree with me on this one - but it's my list so I'm adding it here. I've had this said to me more times than I care to count, by people thinking it would motivate me. But what I hear is: "You are a lazy bad and worthless mother because you can't even fix this for those beautiful children of yours who you say you'd do anything for". ouch.


3. Surely you're too old to have an eating disorder.
Surprisingly there is no such thing, so just don't say that.


4. You're setting a really bad example for your children.
At the end of the day this may be true. But no one chooses to have an eating disorder, and guilt and blame have no place in recovery or in the support of those trying to recover. You cannot guilt someone into getting better. The guilt only makes it so so much worse.


5. It's just the baby blues, it happens to everyone these days.
Ah, the ubiquitous "stop making a fuss, you're nothing special, get over it" comment. Again, adding guilt is not helpful.


6. You're just bored. You'll get over it once you go back to work.
No, an eating disorder is an illness. Taking up a hobby will not fix this. Someone with an eating disorder may find work really rewarding, but for so many reasons more valuable than just they need a distraction. Building up self-esteem is one of those valuable reasons, but proper treatment is also absolutely necessary.


7. It's the fault of the media.
This implies that firstly that the person with the eating disorder has been sucked in by the media because they're so gullible and easily manipulated. And secondly that once again, it's just a diet gone wrong and they really just want to look like those chicks from Desperate Housewives.

8. Oh man not you too! Does everybody have an eating disorder these days or what?
See #5 if you can't figure out why you shouldn't say this one!


9. Is it just that being a mother is so much harder than you thought, dear?
Well firstly, der, it's much harder than anyone thought. If we all knew how hard it was going to be before we started it, we'd never becomes mums! But seriously, that kind of condescending "I sound like I'm concerned but I'm really just putting you down" comment is not helpful.

10. For heavens sake don't tell anyone!!
And this one I'm not even going to justify with an explanation. If you say this to anyone with an eating disorder then you are worse than a fool, because you are a dangerous fool.

Any more to add? What's the least helpful thing that has ever been said to you by someone trying to offer support? And what advice would you like to give them now?

published by: http://recoverypjstyle.blogspot.com

EDIT: I've published the flipside - 10 things you *should* say to a mum with an eating disorder

my armour

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The new therapist, J, asked me if I would like to do some writing activities to help me get my thoughts out - which I thought was probably a good starting point given my general reluctance to talk too much during sessions. So when we last met J brought along some writing prompts, one of which was to do with discussing how I use armour to protect myself in daily life - how this helps and how this restricts me.

At first I interpreted this to mean how does ED act as my armour - which I thought was interesting since I had never thought of ED as protecting me. But try as I might I couldn't make this model fit. The best I could come up with was 'tissue paper' armour that dissolved at the first sign of rain.

In actuality ED is more that frenemy we all had in high school that would talk us into doing something stupid or dangerous and promise they'd be 'right behind you'. But of course as soon as there was trouble they were not there to back you up.

But as I re-read the writing prompt it didn't actually mention ED at all. It simply says talk about 'your armour'. Which is really more the front I put on for others. Which I definitely do - all the time. K (the old therapist) once commented that I had turned 'fake it 'till you make it' into some sort of olympic sport. But I suspect I'm not the only one who does this??

So who am I protecting with all this armour? Me? My reputation? My kids? My husband? Take your pick. ED will tell me that all of these are in terrible danger if the truth were to get out. I think my biggest fears would be losing my job and my kids getting bullied for having a 'mental mum'.


But I'm starting to let go of this. Firstly I think there are worse things in life that your mum having an eating disorder. And since I'm planning on beating this thing I hope I will raise them to be proud of me. And secondly I'm not really sure I care if I lose my job. Yes I love love love my job - but if anyone thinks I'm any different once they know about my eating disorder than I was 10 secs before they knew, well I'm not sure I want to know them.

But I guess my armour does restrict me. It stops me from finding out who my true friends really are for a start. And that is something I have decided needs to go pretty high on my list of priorities. I am not going to bother socialising with anyone who doesn't support me (in any sense of that word). Life is too short for fair-weather friends.

Have you ever thought about your armour? Does it really protect you? 

Do you think you will always wear it?

why I hate the term 'mental illness'

One word; stigma

I had a great conversation with my dietician the other day and it clarified a few things for me. I told my dietician that she (meaning the ED professional community) needs to come up with a better term than 'mental illness'. The stigma attached to that terminology is too damaging. It really makes no difference what it actually describes - the general community associate the term with psychotic behaviour. It immediately conjures up an image of someone who is a danger to the community and therefore cannot be trusted. True that someone with an ED is inherently (and seriously) a danger to themselves - but I resent the implication that I must be 'mental' to have a 'mental illness'.

My dietician made the comment 'but you don't have to be the one to fix it'. But quite frankly I think I do. I have a voice and I have experience that I think is worth something.

And I find it frustrating when people who are not personally affected by anorexia tell me how I should feel about the term. I find it condescendingly paternalistic that I should be told to accept a label simply because some professional came up with it. It is like an explorer naming a country without asking the current inhabitants what the country is actually called.

It may be a perfectly exactly descriptive name - but the stigma is too damaging. And stigma is everything. It is what the uninformed use as fact to pass judgement. The media encourage it and the masses repeat it and retweet it.

I'm not mental, or even unintelligent. I refuse to be categorised, pigeon-holed and labelled. I don't like the name someone else chose for my country. So I'm not going to call it that.