My first degree was in science - I majored in human anatomy and biochemistry - so when I started on this adventure I assumed the dietician would be the one I would relate to most easily. I refused flat out for some months to see the councellor...that was way too touchy-feely-talky for me. But the dietician I agreed to go and see *fairly* soon after my gp suggested it.
So I really was surprised when the dietician turned out to be the most challenging one in my team. Not because of her - she is extremely kind, generous, patient and cheerful - but simply because there is nothing much else to do at her place than sit around and talk about food (hello...challenging much!!).
But if there's one constant in recovery, it's that everything takes time. Nothing is a quick fix.
And being able to talk to M is no exception.Today was maybe the 6th or 7th time I have been to see her and definitely the first time I've been able to listen to her.
So what did I hear?
Firstly that I don't eat enough. This was actually really reassuring. It means that my worst fear, that if I start eating again I will suddenly gain 20kg, will not happen when I choose to add a little more to my eating plan.
Secondly the fact that I am not eating enough yet is not a criticism of me personally. She recognises the big changes I have made and I am not a failure who needs to do better.
Thirdly that I should acknowledge the shift in my focus. Previously I saw my challenge as eating as little as possible, but now I am trying really hard to challenge myself to put food on my plate and sit down and eat it.
And lastly that every meal is not the most important meal ever. It is not a reflection on my personality if I just can't manage everything I set out to eat every time I sit down to try to eat it.
I wasn't going to post anything tonight because I am going back to work tomorrow and I thought worrying about that would take up all my headspace - but I'm feeling so good about this session with M that I wanted to come straight home and write it all down so I don't forget!!
And since my gp visit yesterday was not a huge success, it is nice to feel a little proud of myself for a change :)