Monday, 25 April 2011

the times they are a-changin'

Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'.

I recently gave my gp a list of my options as I saw them. What is to follow, wasn’t the list, but rather the thinking behind the list:
1. continue on doing what I want (restrict and over-exercise)
2. find a middle ground where I can continue on as I am but without doing myself as much harm
3. change what I am doing

this was the actual list of options:
1. die
2. exist
3. live

Pretty confronting. But it made my decision so much easier. And yet so much harder.

I chose ‘live’. But by doing so I also chose ‘change’.

So how to change? Am I afraid of change? Yes. But what if I reframe change and view it as challenge? Does that make it less intimidating? Well, I’m not afraid of any challenge – I have three children after all. I have three degrees and work two jobs. I welcome challenge as the daily excitement of living. I am constantly inspired by those who embody challenge; scientists, adventurers, astronauts, athletes, engineers, artists…

…no one ever wrote a song about how great it is to stay exactly the same.

So I have started where I feel most at home – education. By reading and listening and asking questions I have been equipping myself with as much knowledge as I can to formulate my plan. I like a plan.

So what have I learned so far?
Firstly that change will not happen without nutrition. No amount of introspection will compensate for starvation.
And secondly I will need help - this is a huge change for me. Never before in my life have I ever uttered the words “I can’t do this alone, I need your help”. But I do.

So, big deep breath…it’s time to embrace my change. I’m not promising I’m going to like it. But change happens regardless of how hard we try to stop it – and this is my chance to direct and drive that change…
…and my time to me is worth saving – and I’m a strong swimmer.

this post was inspired by medicinal marzipan and her word by word series


EmilyH said...

Hi PJ,

I related to what you said about having options. I have been "surviving" for so long, and I worry that it will be this way forever. I want to know what it feels like to "live". To kayak on a river. To go to a bridal shower. To cook a meal for my family. ED prevents me from focusing on any of those things. He wants me trapped in his grasp at all times. Don't worry; I have hope I'll get there. I just don't know how yet.

Thank you for letting me know about your blog!


PJ said...

@Emily - agree! staying 'in the moment' is incredibly difficult, but every now and then I get a little reminder of how it used to be and I am inspired to keep working at it!

M said...

Pj, I'm glad you chose live, even though it's hard. Just stumbled across your blog and have read through from the beginning. I'm a fellow 'older' aussie sufferer. In my mid 30's, having struggled for half my lifetime, last year I decided enough was enough and jumped headfirst into recovery. It's been harder than I imagined possible. I've discovered feelings and emotions I never knew I had. Just recently I've been beginning to feel like I may have glimpsed the other side of life after an eating disorder, and as scary and unfamiliar as that is, i think it's also good.