Yoga? is she serious??

Weigh-in day today. 

Dr C gave me 'permission' to continue walking and do (...wait for it...) Yoga!!

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Is she serious??

I have no doubt I will be kicked out for giggling within minutes of being asked to 'ommmm' - it's not going to work!!

But heck, I'll try anything once (but does it have to be Yoga?) - sigh...

Anyway, Dr C didn't give me 'the face' today, which can only mean I've put on weight.

Hmmm.

But we did have a chat about what needs to happen before I can start exercising safely again. She thinks I should be medically stable again within about a month, but that it takes a lot longer to build up muscles than it takes to break them down - so for the sake of my weakened heart (and general body condition) I must not do any running.

Which I do agree with.

She would also like me to consider why I so badly want to exercise. And if it is for stress relief (am I really that transparent) then to think about other (safer) ways to handle that in the meantime. She would like me to only return to exercise when it is for fun and fitness - not for stress relief and weight loss.

I spy another shift in perspective being required. It's just this one has been with me for so long, I don't quite know how to change it...

toasted cheese sandwiches

I can't quite decide at the moment whether my recovery consists of good days interspersed with wobby moments or wobbly days interspersed with good moments...

either way, right now is good. The wobbly of the last few days seems to have passed, and I feel back on top of things today (meanwhile my next weigh-in is tomorrow, so watch this space...)

So while I'm in such a good mood I thought I would share something else that is making me feel good at the moment - toasted cheese sandwiches!

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Bread and I have not been friends for some time - but I let my dietician put cheese sandwiches on my meal plan because I knew I could manage it.

And I like them again (albeit a nervous like..but like none-the-less)

I like them made with thick buttered farm-style white bread. I like thick handcut cheese slices. I like the bread toasted just right - I don't like over-toasted dry sandwiches, or undertoasted sandwiches where the cheese hasn't fully melted. But juuuust right...

mmm....

know LESS than me about recovery?

I'm guest posting over at Recovering Inspiring today

please pop over and share your wisdom with me :)

there's nothing wrong with me

I'm fine, there's nothing wrong with me, I can cancel all my appointments now.

One day this will be true. But it's not today. ED is such a liar!

Time to go back and read my warning signs list again...

something I'm proud of

having a bit of a wobbly moment...so am trying to focus on all the positive steps I have taken, and remind myself that my ED is scared of me - which is why it is trying so hard to rob me of my confidence and derail me at this moment.

So here's something I'm really proud of (time for a humble brag!!)

yep, see that gap there between the hamper and the loo?

That's where my scales used to be :-)

I'm proud of that gap everytime I see it.

(oh, and it will be 3 weeks tomorrow since I've weighed myself)

Today might not be a good day, but it's another day closer to recovery...

a good day

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Had a really great talk this morning with a very lovely lady (D). And D just happens to be fully recovered. She is the recovery support officer at a local ED association and is the first person I ever talked to face-to-face who has had an eating disorder (you know, to my knowledge). It was such a productive chat - I even managed to talk a little as well.

So many many things came up - so I'm just going to write them all here in no particular order (although, I do like the first one best!!):


1. I'm going to recover - I have it in me :)

2. Recovery is like climbing a mountain. You just keep going up, even when you slip and have to get up again. And I'm not going to be satisfied with just going most of the way to the top. I want to finish the climb.

3. I 'forget' to take my vitamins, iron supplements, and I won't drink juice or eat meat because I don't think I deserve to feel better (am aware of this one now!!!)

4. I am not alone in thinking that I can somehow protect my family from harm by depriving myself - but that it is not true.

5. My most immediate need is to eat.

6. When I manipulate my treatment team it is not me doing it but my ED - I'm a nice person, my ED is not.

7. My ED put a condition on me returning to a healthy weight to have my babies - "yes you can gain weight, but only if you come back when it's over." And so I did because the ED told me to. I need to stop listening to it.

8. My ED got worse after I first admitted to having a problem because it is scared of me :)

9. Needing help and asking for help does not make me whiney, needy and pathetic.

10. I can call on her anytime I need help :)

I really like D. I related so well to her - I think we are very similar in so many ways, except that I have *such* a long way to go...sigh...

danger, will robinson

there's so much advice in my head!!!

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Dr C tells me that the fact that I have trouble accepting, and seeing the severity of my eating disorder is part of the disorder...

M tells me that it is common for patients to change their minds back and forth about recovery...

K tells me that I am going to find sticking to recovery very tough to start with because I have taken away all my exisiting forms of stress relief...

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and all this advice is not only well founded, but it is needed! I've had a couple of pretty messy slip-ups and I know I'll have many more before I done :-)

So with this is mind, I've come up with a checklist of my warning signs to help me (and Mr PJ) recognise when I'm struggling before it becomes a problem.

• feeling like I’m fine so I can just cancel my appointments now :)
• conversely feeling like I’m ruining everything by eating 
• not taking my multivitamins and iron supplements
• deliberately restricting how much/what I eat  
• drinking coffee/tea instead of eating
• avoiding K and M
• lying to Dr C/Mr PJ about what I’ve eaten
• weighing myself
• setting myself a new (lower) goal weight
• thinking: I’ll just get down to Xkg and then I’ll stop
• feeling physically sick at the thought of eating 
• feeling like the tension in my chest is getting too much 
• feeling overwhelmed by my ‘to do’ list
• feeling like I have to exercise whether I want to or not

and I know I'm guilty of the first three today alone!!

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 Obviously I don't know much about this whole 'recovery' thingo, but one thing for sure is I'm going to make a lot of mistakes.
But after reading this post over at Drop it and EAT recently I don't mind so much. I love Lori's acrobat metaphor SO MUCH!! I think of it everyday...it helps me to keep going even when I stuff up big time :-)

"The longer you wallow in your disappointments, 

the harder it is to get your act together.

And after you slip, remember to pick your self up, with grace.  

Slips happen!

...and, you'll still get applause." 

(Drop it and EAT - Lori Lieberman RD)  

So, bring on the applause!