Monday, 6 August 2012

a word on rumination

cute cows from here
Before I started all this recovery bizzo 'rumination' to me meant something cows did. But apparently, in the psychology world, it also refers to the thinking, thinking and over-thinking thing that I do - especially about mistakes I have made.

I was a cow last night. And not the cute and cuddly one up there, but the mean, cranky, fly-off-the-handle-and-have-a-gold-medal-tanty type of cow. And then I cried. And I cried. And I cried some more. And then I rang my big brother and I cried some more. And then once he'd calmed me down enough for me to stop crying,  I went and apologised to MrPJ. Who said, and I quote, "it's ok, just relax".

What? Just like that we could forget about my tanty? What about all the beating myself up? The endless explanations about why I was so stressed. The guilt, the shame, the waiting for forgiveness. Oh shit, that's right, he's my husband not my father.

MrPJ has a way of just forgiving and moving on. Yep, you were a cow, and thanks for saying sorry. Ok, what's for dinner.

But that almost doesn't feel like enough. If I don't ruminate then I haven't punished myself enough for my terrible behaviour. Surely I need to go over and over and over it again in my head so I can re-live and reinforce just how horrible a person I am.

I think I prefer MrPJs approach. Re-living my tanty doesn't make it better. I am sorry and I said so. And if I'm really lucky I will have learned something from the experience to help me deal with my anxiety better next time it happens. But I actually don't have to punish myself by re-living it 75000 time in living colour. Reinforcing what a bad person I am is ED talking, not me. And I don't listen to ED. He is a dick.

So I think I'll choose to listen to MrPJ.

And just relax.