Monday, 23 April 2012

hiding...

[source]

Ever have one of those times where random people out in the world just seem to feel an overwhelming urge to invade your personal space and tell you what they think?

Well I've been having one of those months. And quite frankly if I have to put up with any more judgement from friends, colleagues, healthcare providers and random strangers in restaurants I'm going to completely fall apart.

So I've gone into hiding.

I've cancelled my appointments, cancelled my personal trainer, even cancelled my house-cleaner. I've retreated. I can't win, so I'm waving the white flag.

But only for now.

I have a big social event coming up in a week and a half and I really really want to be in one coherent piece; so I'm not taking any risks. No one is going to get the chance to derail me.

So comments are off on this post. I will be limiting my email, twitter etc. All in the name of "just in case".

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

"you make me look normal"

this was said to me recently by a friend - so straight away I was laughing -no offence taken.

but she was serious. "no really, you make me look normal"

she went on to explain what she meant - not that I was so nuts that by comparison she appeared far less nuts :-) but rather that to her I was normal. She doesn't see me as nuts, but we share so many things, so many habits and thoughts and worries, that by extension my normality gave her a sense of normality.

I really loved hearing this.


If any of you out there reading my blog think that I am normal and you are nuts, just remember I am every bit as nuts as you, and therefore you are every bit as normal as me.

And to those of you kind enough to be concerned about me after my last post, I'm no more or less nuts that I have been in the past, I'm just saying it out loud a little bit now instead of always bottling it up - so that's really quite a good thing - but thank you xx

*normal pic from here

Sunday, 8 April 2012

I miss the old me

I remember very early on in my treatment my gp asking me what percentage of my time do I spend thinking about food/diet/eating/exercise - and I replied very matter-of-factly, because it didn't occur to me that it was a problem, that it was all I thought about. I was very happy with this. These thoughts made me happy. I loved thinking about what I was going to eat. About planning my day ahead. About calculating calories in and calories out - and then being rewarded for my excellence with the tumbling numbers on the scale.

I miss this so much. Now those bloody numbers just go up. They mock me and my failure.

My thoughts were so comforting then. They were not scary, and dark, and mean, and unkind. They were bright and happy and kept me company.

I don't know at what point they changed from being light and breezy thoughts to being crushing dark thoughts, but I long to get back to the point before. The point where they filled my every waking moment - but still made me happy.

Was this ever true though? I feel sure that it was. But I'm also sure that everyone on my treatment team would try to tell me that it was never the case. That my thoughts were never good or comforting or warm. That they were my nasty, manipulative ED voice that I must stamp out and not listen to.

But I'm not so sure. I really feel that before I lost control of it, it was a comforting thing. Almost a hobby.

What annoys me the most, I guess, is that everyone else in the world is allowed to have these thoughts, are allowed to want to lose weight and plan for how they will do - and they are praised, not made to feel dirty and guilty.

It's very confusing wanting to hang on to something that everyone else says is wrong. I just want to go back to how I felt before everyone explained eating disorders to me. Before everyone else decided there was something wrong with me.

I don't think there is anything wrong with me. I'm sorry, but I don't. I know I'm not supposed to say this. I know I'm supposed to have moved past this and accept like a good little girl that I have a problem that everyone else wants to fix for me. But quite frankly I have just run out of things to say to everyone.

I'm overweight. I'm enormous. I don't exercise. I eat. I hate myself in a way I never did before.

I never argued with my gp before. I never looked away in shame when she talked to me before. I never resented people's help before. I never cried like this before. I never froze up and just completely lost the ability to speak before. I never cut myself before. I never burnt myself before. I never had so little control over every aspect of my life before. I was never this exhausted before. I never had so much unwashed laundry before. I was never this isolated from my family before.

Rambling again. No answers again tonight. Sorry, I guess eventually if I just keep writing I'll find a point.

No guarantees though.

Thursday, 5 April 2012

screw calm

  
appropriate pic from here

I don't have a lot to say at the moment.

Actually I have a lot to say - but it's all ranty, screamy, cranky crap that I'm not really sure I should let out here.

Some of it is bitching about my 'so called (IRL) friends' who I'm just *over* at the moment. Over their judgy-judgy games. Over their inane conversations. Quite frankly I'm just over trying to socialise and be nice.

Some of it is really not-appropriate anti-recovery stuff I really don't want to say here. I know that it's good to be real and honest - and show readers that everyone has ups and downs - but I'm conscious of not wanting to give anyone an excuse for embracing a slip or relapse.

And some of it is cranky "I don' want to talk to you" "I don't need your help" ranting directed at J and DrC that I can see perfectly well is just because I'm avoiding stuff.

So no great insights today. No neat wrap-up where I see the error of my ways and turn it into a positive.

Today it's just bollocks, bugger, crap, stupid, leave me alone shit that I don't really feel any better for having voiced But that's life boys and girls.